This blog is now sugar FREE, fat FREE, gluten FREE, all ORGANIC and all NATURAL!!

Monday, July 21, 2014

HOUSE WARS - a cranky re-run


This cranky Monday re-run is from July 2011.  Note how angry the 2011 Cranky Old Man was.  Is it possible that I am mellowing?

Every relationship goes through battles over silly shit.  Sometimes these battles get out of hand and relationships are destroyed.  Most times a hard and fast rule is established or a compromise is reached.  The following are the most common causes of HOUSE WARS!!

Do knives go pointy side up or pointy side down in the dishwasher?

Pro – Pointy side up assures the business end is thoroughly cleaned.

Con – Pointy side up can cause the dish un-loader to stab him/her self.

Answer – Pointy side up!

Should the toilet seat be left up or down?

Pro – Leave the seat up.  If left down there may be pee on the seat when beer drinkers cannot see in the middle-of-the-night.

Con – Put the seat down, otherwise wine sippers might fall in the bowl because they cannot see in the middle-of-the-night!  

Answer – Put the seat down.  Even in a bachelor pad, put the seat down.  Women feel very strongly about this one!

Should toilet paper be loaded over the top, or under the bottom?

Pro – Over the top assures no germs from the wall are on the toilet paper.

Con – Who the fuck cares!

Answer – Over the top.  Women care!

Roll socks up into a ball, or just put them away paired off?

Pro – They never get lost rolled up.

Con – Rolling up into a ball stretches them out.

Answer – Roll up the men’s, pair off the women’s.  This one calls for a compromise.

Can you put Tupperware in the dishwasher?

Pro – Of course you can

Con – The dishwasher ruins the whoosh!

Answer – Yes, if your wife is not looking; otherwise definitely not!

Should the BRBQ be covered when not in use?

Pro – The cover keeps the rain out and it looks neat.

Con – The cover captures moisture and rusts out the insides of the BBQ.

Answer – Do not cover the grill.

Should dishes be hand dried or can you just let them air dry?

Pro – They will dry just fine, do not waste time hand drying.

Con – Hand drying assures there will be no spotting.

Answer – Women are allowed to let dishes air dry.  Men must always hand dry the dishes. (I don’t know why…just fucking do it!!)

Should your wife be allowed to sleep with other men?

Pro – She may want to.

Con – I don’t think so!

Answer – I still say no, but I am 0 for 2 on this one!

Should the man be allowed to hold the remote control?

Pro – Men will flip through all channels so you never see a commercial.

Con – Men will flip through all channels so you will never see all of a show.

Answer – Give him the remote.  Without the controller his whining will not allow you to see all of a show anyway.

Can you leave a bedroom window slightly open in the winter?

Pro – Leaving the window open a crack allows fresh air in and keeps you from getting migraine headaches.

Con – Leaving the window open a crack lets out warm air and causes more expensive heating bills.

Answer – If the wife sleeps with other men, open the fucking window and get rid of all of your headaches!


  1. When you have young kids in the house, all utensils go pointy side down. You don't want to risk any spills or falls around things pointing up, especially sharp things!

  2. Well this is an interesting post. We've not argued over any of these things. Both of us just do things in the same manner. I don't know if they are right or wrong, but both of us are doing the same thing so it's all good.

    Pointy side down on the knives and forks. We've seen that accident already. It wasn't pretty.

    Have a fabulous day. ☺

  3. I'm so used to getting my way around here that I can't relate to any of this!

  4. Do it your wife's way--don't be a JERK!!

  5. Not only do I leave the toilet seat down, I pee sitting on it. I know this is unmanly but that one time I cleaned the floor around the toilet convinced me this was the best way to go, especially since I couldn't convince Mrs. Chatterbox she was the one doing all the splashing.

    1. I had a friend just like you. You are both studs in my book.

  6. What fishducky said!

    Should the man be allowed to hold the remote control? <-- This reminded me of a line by Jerry Seinfeld: "Men don't want to see what's on TV. They want to see what else is on TV!"

  7. You really are quite the mellow fellow. I see all sorts of compromise there but obviously you don't unload the dishwasher. Fun post.

  8. Hmmm, I'm about 50% on this. Wait a sec . . . was that a gun being cocked I just heard in the hallway?

  9. What was it Dr. Pill once said?....Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?

    For some reason this reminded me of a Rodney Daingerfield line: "I got in a cab and asked the cabbie, 'where can a guy go to have a good time, if you know what I mean? He took me to my house." Ouch!

  10. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I love this post and I've missed reading your blog! :) And maybe it's just me but if you're grown and stabbing yourself on things in your dishwasher, a.) perhaps you should stop unloading whilst intoxicated, and b.) just step away from the dishwasher..

  11. I always put Tupperware in the washer. But then again, as bachelor I should probably take a class on all these things or something.