STUPID HEADLINES 113014

STUPID HEADLINES 113014

It is time once again for

This is why editors should not drink

STUPID HEADLINE SUNDAY

This week’s stupid headlines and my stupider sophomoric and sometimes offensive comments.

One headline may be completely made up, guess the fake and win a mention and a Whoop-tee-doo. 'None of the above' may be the correct answer.

_________________________________

Obama: Americans want 'new car smell' in 2016 – So a Coupe de Hilary?

Police say naked man crashed through ceiling, attacked elderly man at Boston airport – A naked man broke up a Boston Pee Party?

Women's desire for sex is complicated, study finds – What did we use to say back in the olden days?  Oh yeah, No Duh!

21 dolls on bamboo stakes found in Alabama swamp- This would be creepy, but it is in Alabama.

Kim Jong Un's sister given senior North Korea government role – Surprisingly, despite the obvious nepotism, not a single North Korean has objected.

Obama 'puzzled' by annual turkey pardon – The President doesn’t know why Republicans aren’t protesting the pardon.

Earthlings to send 90,000 hellos to Mars – Pretty obvious after the first 10,000 hellos…WRONG NUMBER!

Residents asking why city smells like cat urine – This is litterly disgusting.

Seals documented having sex with penguins – All for a couple of anchovies…cheap penguin sluts.

Religious group wants to build McDonald’s in a church – “Do you want fries with that McWaffer?”

Experts claim climate change is responsible for latest change in climate – On a similar note, economists claim inflation is responsible for higher prices.

Death row inmate’s prison food complaint rejected - In a short, unusual decision, the Judge simply wrote “Fuck’em!”

______________________________

Last week’s fake headline was:

Woman claims Bill Cosby never raped her – Cosby lawyer refused to dignify this claim with a response. (Actually this may have been a real headline, I never Googled it.) As a 40+ year fan of Cosby this whole situation saddens me.  I hope he is who he seemed to be and the accusations are all false, but there is so much smoke, I smell fire.  Either way it is a shame.

This week’s winners are:

fishducky

I'm going for Woman claims Bill Cosby never raped her--although it could be true, because he never raped me, either!!

I’m beginning to think she is a witch!  Still, you have to love anyone who calls herself fishducky.  Go visit at @ http://fishducky.blogspot.com/  

Stephen Hayes

My wife tells me she was not raped by Bill Cosby. In spite of this, I'll pick the Cosby headline.  For an artist, he is pretty smart!  He also tells great stories and other stuff, visit @ http://thechubbychatterbox.blogspot.com/

Dan the Mountain Man

I am going with "Woman claims Bill Cosby never raped her," I hope it is true but I don't see the news media reporting it. Another win for the mountain man.  Visit @ http://danmtnman.blogspot.com/  Also shop at his on=line bookstore.

Jimmy

Bill Didn't Do It, for heavens sake there has to be at least one, seriously though and sad to say a headline claiming he didn't do would have to be fake. The man is on a run, visit @ http://jimsop.blogspot.com/ for more than just opinions.

Drop by all the winners, and come back next week for more

STUPID HEADLINE SUNDAY!!

TODAY’S KID SHOWS SUCK! a cranky re-run

TODAY’S KID SHOWS SUCK!

Taking a break, here is a re-run from December 2011

Why do I care about the quality of children’s TV shows?  Because on Thursday I become Grandpa Joe and I baby-sit the Pennsylvania Crankettes.   On Thursday I am subjected to children’s TV. 

These shows are not about fun or funny.  Noooo, they have to teach something and be at all times politically correct. 

When I was a kid (before the internet), cartoons showed really funny stuff.  Arab dudes chasing Bugs Bunny with a huge sword yelling “Hassan CHOP!!”  There was a coyote falling off cliffs, being squashed by boulders and run over by trucks while chasing a flightless bird.  A cat was tortured by a mouse and subjected to being burned to a crisp or even more brutal being turned completely inside-out.

None of this violence turned me into a mass murderer or a sociopath.  In fact I am quite the pacifist.  At an early age I could recognize that this cartoon violence was not real.  It was intended to be comical, and it did in fact make me laugh.

I recently viewed a cartoon of today with the Pa. Crankettes.  In this story, Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.  Humpty Dumpty was afraid to come down from the wall.  Apparently Humpty having a great fall would be too much violence for children of today (in my day he would fall break apart and Daffy Duck would scramble and eat him).

In order for Humpty to get down from the wall two super hero cartoon characters were brought to the scene; Alphabet boy, and Word boy.  These super heroes decided a ladder was needed to save Humpty.  They built a ladder using letters from Alphabet Boy helping Word Boy to create the word LADDER.  The building of the ladder was excruciating.

“We need to build a ladder, can you children in TV land help?  What letter makes the la sound?”

Twenty seconds of silence followed as we wait for the audience to respond

“L…that’s right boys and girls L; now what letter makes the AH sound?”

This went on for fifteen minutes until finally the word ladder was built and leaned against the wall for Humpty to climb down while Alphabet Boy and Word Boy shouted “You can do it” encouragement. 

At this point I turned the set off when I noticed the Crankettes were not watching.  The three year old was shoving a stuffed rabbit into a garbage truck and was giggling while crushing it in the compactor.  The one year old was pushing a car off a table and practicing his crash and explosion sounds.

The namby pamby, politically correct, non-violent, nicey nicey imaginary world has come to children’s TV.  The producers of this pabulum crap think they are contributing to a softer nicer safer world where the children of today will become the caring correct thinking liberated adults and leaders of tomorrow.  I think they should go back to entertainment and laughter.  If children do not watch their crap, their minds will not be molded.

At least in my youth while we laughed we did learn something.  There was a cartoon code of conduct.  Bad stuff happened to bad people (or caricatures).  Bugs always made the evil, violent Hassan look like a fool.  The murderous coyote never caught the clever lovable road runner.  Jerry, the cute mouse, was never eaten by Tom, the nasty cat.

I am betting that the producers of today’s cartoons all have their doctorate in children’s education. 

All the creators of the old cartoons had was a sense of humor.     

I prefer the sense of humor.       

TURKEY DAY - cranky re-run

Suldog http://jimsuldog.blogspot.com/ keeps calling for "Thanksgining Comes First."  Christmas does start too early.  Maybe one problem is there is no Thanksgiving Day music.  If we had some good traditional Thanksgiving songs maybe the Christmas Season would not start until AFTER Thanksgiving once again.  To that end I offer up my suggestion for the first traditional Thanksgiving Day song

TURKEY DAY

To the tune of Buddy Holly's "Everyday" (GIYP)

Turkey Day it’s a gettin closer

Who don’t love a tasty oven roaster

A well cooked bird will surely come my way

A hay a hay a great day

Turkey Day goin to be a- crazy

A great big meal

Then get really lazy

A well cooked bird will surely come my way

A hay a hay a great day

Turkey Day Lions get their ass beat

Either way just give me some white meat

Come that day Right in front of my seat

 pumpkin pie for me

Turkey Day it’s a gettin closer

Who don’t love a tasty oven roaster

Turkey and gravy will surely come my way

A hay a hay a great day

 Turkey Day goin to be a- crazy

A great big meal then get really lazy

 Thanksgiving is sure my favorite day

Oh I luv, Thanksgiving Day

OK, its lame, but its a start...anything to push the Christmas Season back to where it belongs...AFTER THANKSGIVING!!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone

and after tomorrow

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

WASP SALAD

WASP* SALAD

As some of you may know, I love, love, love TV.  I am not ashamed of loving TV.  I watch everything on TV, except for PBS.  Well I even watch some shows on PBS, but I am not one of those TV snobs,

“Oh I hardly ever watch TV and when I do I only watch PBS.”

I watch everything except “Honey Boo Boo,” “Revenge” (a Friggin whisperfest) and “Once Upon a Time” (In a plot jam? Wave a wand and presto; shit happens and there is a new plot…Yeech!)

One of my favorites are cooking shows.  I watch “How to’s” and Cooking Contests.  I even watch “Rachel Ray.”

I have learned a lot from these shows, and I do like to cook, in fact I am a prima-barbaqucer.  Several things about most cooking shows do annoy me.

Everything is quick and easy.  Yeah, after someone else has already chopped everything, measured everything and sautéed everything.  All you have to do is dump it into a $500 mixer, turn it on, pour it into a pan, put it into the oven and at the same time pull an already perfectly cooked batch out of the oven.

I also hate how they tell you what you can do if you want to.

“I like to add Sicilian olives soaked in Brazilian tomatoes for three weeks with some Himalayan salt and Portuguese pepper, but you can just use any canned olives if you want.”

Why thank you!  I can also add raisins and a pint of vodka if I want.  I don’t really need you to announce the rules!  Anyway, maybe it’s just me.

The last thing I hate is the audience reaction every time garlic, hot peppers or booze is added to a concoction.  They go crazy with applause and laughter and oohs and ahhs.  “Ooh wine! I drink wine!  I’m a lush! Ooh ooh!”

Just stop it! Most of these people have eggnog on Christmas Eve and think that is a big deal.  Besides, the alcohol is all burned off anyway.  Damn! Anyway, maybe it’s just me.

Oh, I missed this last thing I hate about these shows; “the taste test.”

EVERYTHING IS TO FRIGGIN DIE FOR!  The yumm’s the wows, the foodgasms over everything from fried kale to cheesy French fries.

Anyway, perhaps that is just I.

Oh yeah, this post, WASP SALAD.

With Thanksgiving coming up I am offering my favorite Thanksgiving recipe, WASP SALAD.

WASP Salad is really just Waldorf salad, but my  Irish former in-laws called it WASP SALAD.  I never thought of it as being “Ethnic” food. To me “Ethnic” food is anything that is not grilled or boiled, or that ends in a vowel.  My Irish in-laws  loved my WASP SALAD.  At least they claimed they did, but we always had a lot of left-over’s so maybe not. 

Who cares, I love it and here is my recipe:

WASP SALAD

Take four apples and cut into small 1/4 to 1/2 inch cubes.  (You can cut in different size cubes if you want.) I like red crunchy sweet apples (you can use soft green crappy apples if you want.)

Wait, you know what?  No you can’t!  Make it exactly like I say, or don’t make it at all!  Called it German WASP SALAD.

Coat all the apple chunks in lemon juice.  Why?  Because I said so**!

Take several stalks of fresh celery and chop into small, but not fine, bits.

Of course wash it first…damn do I have to explain everything?

Add the celery to the apple chunks and then mix in chopped walnuts and raisins. How many? I prefer just the right amount.

Here comes the part that creeps out non-WASPS.  Add mayonnaise to this mixture.  You can use any mayonnaise you like, but in case there is a WASP at the table, tell them you used Hellman’s.  WASPS think there is a difference; don’t upset them.  Mix the mayonnaise until everything is covered with a fine film, and then add more mayonnaise.  Keep adding mayonnaise until it starts to look disgusting, then stop.

Chill, serve with the turkey, and enjoy watching the Lions get their ass kicked. 

WASP salad is also excellent with left-over turkey sandwiches the next day.

*White, Anglo-Saxon, Protestants.
**Lemon juice keeps the apples from turning brown

ATHEISM – THE OTHER RELIGION a cranky re-run

ATHEISM – THE OTHER RELIGION

A cranky re-run from November 2011 for

Atheism is the rejection of belief in the existence of a deity or unexplained force which is responsible for the miraculous creation of life.  If you ask an Atheist what religion he follows, he will say he is an Atheist.

Atheism is, I submit, the religion of non-religion.

There are articles in the paper or on the web everyday about Atheists objecting to religious symbols, be they Christian, Jewish, Islamic or Hindi, in public buildings.  Atheists object to any prayer or even a moment of silence in any public function.  They object to teaching of any religions, even if done in an educational, non-proselytizing format.  They object to using the term God before a school team takes the field.  They even object to students wearing or displaying their own religious symbols in schools.  These objections are always made on the Constitutional doctrine of the separation of church and state.  

It seems to me, that Atheism is itself a religion.  It is a religion that preaches or if you will proselytizes the non-existence of any deity.  If Atheism is itself a religion, the symbol of Atheism is no symbol.  If schools and other Government institutions are to be separate from religion and religious symbols, then having no symbols, the symbol of Atheism, is also in violation of the separation doctrine.

When I enter a school, or court and I see no religious symbols, I am made uncomfortable by the obvious insinuation that the institution is supporting Atheism, the religion of nothing.  I should not be uncomfortable in these institutions that I support with my taxes.  I should not be forced to be subjected to these non-symbols which clearly support Atheism.

These government buildings should display symbols of all religions so that no one is made to feel uncomfortable.  Every building should have a symbol representing Christianity, Judaism, Islam, Hindi, and Atheism.  The symbol for atheism could be a circle with a collage of Jesus, Mohammad, Gandhi, and Moses with a bold line through the circle.

Our money should be minted with the phrase, “In God We Trust…or not.” The Pledge of Allegiance should be amended to read, “One nation, under God….or not.”   All prayers before public functions should end “Amen…assuming God exists.”

The solution to Atheist’s objection to other religious inferences in public places is to include equally the symbols and message of Atheism.  No citizen should be made to feel uncomfortable because of religious messages, and that includes Christians, Jews, Muslims, Hindi and ATHEISTS!

STUPID HEADLINES 112314

STUPID HEADLINES 112314

It is time once again for

That might call for a disengagement

STUPID HEADLINE SUNDAY

This week’s stupid headlines and my stupider sophomoric and sometimes offensive comments.

One headline may be completely made up, guess the fake and win a mention and a Whoop-tee-doo. 'None of the above' may be the correct answer.

_________________________________

Second hand marijuana smoke as harmful as tobacco – But way more fun!

Jose Canseco plans to sell his middle finger on eBay – On New Jersey highways drivers will give you their middle finger for nothing.

Texan arrested for trying to steal police car, with detective inside – Those Texans…not satisfied with just the car.

Woman claims Bill Cosby never raped her – Cosby lawyer refused to dignify this claim with a response.

Satanic group plans to hand out coloring books in Florida schools – Well that will separate church from state.

Kitty litter mix-up at fed lab contributed to costly nuclear radiation leak, report says – Oh yeah, water cools the nuclear rods, not kitty litter; simple mistake.

President Obama pardons turkey; Republicans object to abuse of power – Oh come on, of course this is fake, there is one more.

Duggar Expands Anti-Gay Brand to Include Racism – Homophobic and racist wow!  Reality star with 19 children doesn’t get that probably at least two are Gay, but probably none are Black.

Pennsylvania Great Dane gives birth to 19 puppies – All in one shot? Kinda makes the Duggars seem like losers.

Most Heavy Drinkers Are Not Alcoholics – They just drink a lot and can’t stop, while an alcoholic can’t stop drinking a lot…good to know.

Mattel apologizes for inept computer engineer Barbie – Why does Mattel apologize, is it their fault that computer engineer Barbie is inept?

100-year-old woman sees ocean for the first time – “That’s it?  It’s just a lot of water.  Big Friggin deal!

_______________________________

Last week’s fake headline was:

Flatulence can trigger Asthma Attack – NYC Mayor DiBlasio pushes to fine farts…wait that didn’t come out right…oops, neither did that.

And the winners are:

fishducky

It SHOULD be the New York City headline, but I'll go with the flatulence one!!

I just can’t beat fishducky!  Visit fishducky @ http://fishducky.blogspot.com/ always funny stuff!

Jimmy

I was going to go with the gagged dummy but changed my mind, thinking that asthma is the least of your worries when it comes to flatulence, so I'm guessing that one is fake.

He is on a hot streak! Visit Jimmy for not just opinions @ http://jimsop.blogspot.com/

Hilary

I was going to say the flatulence one but then I started thinking that they didn't necessarily mean your own. That now seems plausible. So I'll guess no fakes.

Oh gee, so close.  I’m sorry, I can’t give a mention to Hilary @ http://thesmittenimage.blogspot.com/  To bad because she has a very entertaining blog, stories told with photos. 

Sandee

I'm going to go with along with the stupidity virus. Okay, I've not a clue this week.

Oh no! A seventeen week winning streak just came to an end. Sorry, but no mention for Sandee @ http://comedyplus.blogspot.com/ Funny stuff, especially silly Sunday, but I just can’t give a mention.

Visit and congratulate all the winners and come back next week for more

STUPID HEADLINE SUNDAY!!

DRONE as in MOAN!

DRONE as in MOAN!

Sorry, horrible title for

CRANKY OPINION SATURDAY

The following is the opinion of a cranky old man with little or no knowledge on the topic opined.  Conflicting opinions are welcome, but will be ignored.  As always, please, no name calling.  That means you, you big butt-head!

This just in:

The Federal Aviation Administration won a key ruling this week allowing it to regulate drone flights.

The decision by the National Transportation Safety Board was a setback for those who had argued drones should be allowed to fly without all the regulations that apply to more typical manned aircraft.

The decision revolved around a $10,000 FAA fine against businessman Raphael Pirker, who used a remotely operated 56-inch foam glider to take aerial video to make an advertisement.

An NTSB judge overturned the fine in March, holding that the FAA aircraft rules should not apply to unmanned aircraft.

But the NTSB ruled Monday that the FAA rules should apply.

You have got to be kidding me!  I am not a big fan of government regulations, but Holy Hannah!  Planes without pilots flying around without any regulations? 

Who is at the controls?  Do they have any idea what the heck they are doing?  Are the drones maintained properly? Does the idea of small objects with multiple propellers knifing through the air anywhere any time by anyone scare only me?

Do drones ever crash?  Could they crash on a moving vehicle, or a pedestrian, or another plane, or an electric wire, or through a school window, or a nuclear power plant, or a…well pretty much anywhere?

Who is asking for drones without regulations or standards?  Are they crazy?  Gee, what could go wrong? 

Personally I would like to see drones outlawed by all but our Armed Forces.  I’m not a fan of guns, concealed or otherwise, but imagine the damage a lunatic could reek with a drone and some fertilizer. How about a teenager goofing around, or a drunk, or me for crispy sake.

I’ve read about Amazon wanting to use drones to make deliveries.  No thank you, I’ll wait.

If we allow anyone to fly these things for any reason, without making sure these operators are qualified, sane and law abiding; if we allow these drones to fly without assuring proper maintenance, there will be accidents.  People will be killed, property will be damaged and then for sure, laws will be passed.

Maybe we should think about it and pass adequate laws now. 

Hell, if I can’t smoke because it disturbs someone else’s air, then I sure as hell don’t want to be breathing in your drone fumes or even worse smacking into your drone!

The preceding is the opinion of a cranky old man, and not necessarily that of management…Mrs. Cranky.