WASP SALAD

WASP* SALAD

As some of you may know, I love, love, love TV.  I am not ashamed of loving TV.  I watch everything on TV, except for PBS.  Well I even watch some shows on PBS, but I am not one of those TV snobs,

“Oh I hardly ever watch TV and when I do I only watch PBS.”

I watch everything except “Honey Boo Boo,” “Revenge” (a Friggin whisperfest) and “Once Upon a Time” (In a plot jam? Wave a wand and presto; shit happens and there is a new plot…Yeech!)

One of my favorites are cooking shows.  I watch “How to’s” and Cooking Contests.  I even watch “Rachel Ray.”

I have learned a lot from these shows, and I do like to cook, in fact I am a prima-barbaqucer.  Several things about most cooking shows do annoy me.

Everything is quick and easy.  Yeah, after someone else has already chopped everything, measured everything and sautéed everything.  All you have to do is dump it into a $500 mixer, turn it on, pour it into a pan, put it into the oven and at the same time pull an already perfectly cooked batch out of the oven.

I also hate how they tell you what you can do if you want to.

“I like to add Sicilian olives soaked in Brazilian tomatoes for three weeks with some Himalayan salt and Portuguese pepper, but you can just use any canned olives if you want.”

Why thank you!  I can also add raisins and a pint of vodka if I want.  I don’t really need you to announce the rules!  Anyway, maybe it’s just me.

The last thing I hate is the audience reaction every time garlic, hot peppers or booze is added to a concoction.  They go crazy with applause and laughter and oohs and ahhs.  “Ooh wine! I drink wine!  I’m a lush! Ooh ooh!”

Just stop it! Most of these people have eggnog on Christmas Eve and think that is a big deal.  Besides, the alcohol is all burned off anyway.  Damn! Anyway, maybe it’s just me.

Oh, I missed this last thing I hate about these shows; “the taste test.”

EVERYTHING IS TO FRIGGIN DIE FOR!  The yumm’s the wows, the foodgasms over everything from fried kale to cheesy French fries.

Anyway, perhaps that is just I.

Oh yeah, this post, WASP SALAD.

With Thanksgiving coming up I am offering my favorite Thanksgiving recipe, WASP SALAD.

WASP Salad is really just Waldorf salad, but my  Irish former in-laws called it WASP SALAD.  I never thought of it as being “Ethnic” food. To me “Ethnic” food is anything that is not grilled or boiled, or that ends in a vowel.  My Irish in-laws  loved my WASP SALAD.  At least they claimed they did, but we always had a lot of left-over’s so maybe not. 

Who cares, I love it and here is my recipe:

WASP SALAD

Take four apples and cut into small 1/4 to 1/2 inch cubes.  (You can cut in different size cubes if you want.) I like red crunchy sweet apples (you can use soft green crappy apples if you want.)

Wait, you know what?  No you can’t!  Make it exactly like I say, or don’t make it at all!  Called it German WASP SALAD.

Coat all the apple chunks in lemon juice.  Why?  Because I said so**!

Take several stalks of fresh celery and chop into small, but not fine, bits.

Of course wash it first…damn do I have to explain everything?

Add the celery to the apple chunks and then mix in chopped walnuts and raisins. How many? I prefer just the right amount.

Here comes the part that creeps out non-WASPS.  Add mayonnaise to this mixture.  You can use any mayonnaise you like, but in case there is a WASP at the table, tell them you used Hellman’s.  WASPS think there is a difference; don’t upset them.  Mix the mayonnaise until everything is covered with a fine film, and then add more mayonnaise.  Keep adding mayonnaise until it starts to look disgusting, then stop.

Chill, serve with the turkey, and enjoy watching the Lions get their ass kicked. 

WASP salad is also excellent with left-over turkey sandwiches the next day.

*White, Anglo-Saxon, Protestants.
**Lemon juice keeps the apples from turning brown