This blog is now sugar FREE, fat FREE, gluten FREE, all ORGANIC and all NATURAL!!

Wednesday, July 31, 2013



This is a pressing issue that needs to be addressed: Baseball hat wearing.

Our children today do not know how to wear a baseball cap.  There are only two acceptable positions in which to wear a baseball-style hat.

1.    Brim straight ahead to protect the eyes from the sun.

2.    Brim directly behind to keep the wind from blowing the hat off your head.

A slight shift from brim facing straight ahead is acceptable in some situations based on the angle of the sun, but these variations should only be for the short term. look like an idiot! want to look stupid, right?
Umm...don't call us, we'll call you.
Turn it around...TURN IT AROUND!!


Here are some other rules:

If your hat fits over your ears it is too big.

I won't tell him, but...he looks stupid.

Brims should not be flat.  They should have a curve to them…they just should.

This look just screams PUSSY!

Tags or stickers should be removed after purchase.  Even if you stole it...take the tag off.
To summarize, there is a right and a wrong way to wear a baseball hat:

Example of the perfect way to wear a baseball hat.

Tuesday, July 30, 2013



I am sometimes asked by those who knew me in my previous life, “Cranky, now that you have a small audience that follows your blog, do you ever think to use that forum to bash your former wife?” It is tempting to let off some steam about how she is a lying, cheating woman who may or may not have a serious mental problem, but I am better than that.

I could tell how she once had an airport meltdown when asked to remove her shoes in a security check,  how she couldn’t believe they put her through a tighter check after she told the Jamaican officer that she was probably not even a citizen.  I could explain how I was then blamed for the whole incident for not standing up for her.

I could relate the time she reamed me a new asshole for taking the toll lane with the longest line. I could explain how I was always screamed at whenever we were five minutes away from any long travel destination.
I could bring up the fact that she turned me away from my children and my brother, and tried to alienate me from my mother who was suffering from dementia.

I could mention all this and much, much more, but I am better than that.  So what if I never knew if I was coming home to Donna Reed or Joan Crawford.  What does it matter that she clawed my face and tried to knee me in the groin when my son was late for a visit to our shore house.  He just turned and drove two hours home when she hit him with a tirade. 

It doesn’t matter that she almost ruined my son’s wedding because he did not include her in a “Wedding Dance.”

Maybe all these issues were my fault, what do I know.  The fact that I have traveled extensively with Mrs. Cranky and never had an argument could just be a coincidence.  Just because Mrs. Cranky is able to get along with my children and extended family does not mean the ex was not right to dislike them all.  The fact that I no longer have to filter my every thought in an attempt to not upset my wife means nothing.  I’m sure that if my ex had not run away to another state to hook up with her former fiancé who cheated on her twenty years before, I still would have stopped drinking a daily bottle of wine and a two-liter bottle of scotch a week.  I’m sure I would have still been able to quit smoking, and with a little luck I would probably still be alive.
So, no…I will not blog about times gone bye.  I am better than that.  I say live and let live.   

Monday, July 29, 2013

ATTENTION DISORDER - a cranky re-run


This re-run is from July 2012

ADD, Attention Deficit Disorder, is a very common diagnosis for young people today, particularly young boys.  ADD used to be called daydreaming; it can be a serious learning disability.  Are you either ADD, or not ADD?  Certainly there must be different levels of this condition. 

If you have a severe attention deficit disorder it can and should be treated.  I knew a young man who was incorrigible and unable to withstand the simplest social situation, he became a completely different, delightful, polite person when drugs allowed him to focus on his environment.

I also believe children can learn to focus without drugs.  Sometimes this disorder can actually allow a person to successfully multitask.  I know I am sometimes attention challenged, yet I can watch TV, write a blog, and carry on a conversation with Mrs. C all at the same time (Mrs. C would dispute the conversation part.)

In high school I was able to learn math without paying my undivided attention to the teacher.  A2+B2=…Damn Sally Ferguson has a nice ass…C2.  If I was on medication I might have missed out on Sally Ferguson’s nice ass, or more than likely my full attention might have been diverted totally away from math.

My oldest brother had an attention disorder completely on the other side of the spectrum.  He would be so focused on a book, an article, or just inventing stuff in his head that you could not get his attention.

“Jim…JIM…JIM…JIM…whack him on the head with a wad of paper…JIM.”


Surely my brother could have been diagnosed with Attention Over-focus Disorder or AOFD.  Perhaps he could have been treated with drugs to have a normal attention span, but then we would have missed out on a great mind, and several sonar and radar inventions which make our country safer from attack by our enemies.  Sure it would have saved the wadding up of countless pieces of paper, but I believe a unique mind is more than worth a little cajoling to get ones attention.

Attention Deficit, or attention over-focus, when either seriously affects a person’s ability to have a normal life perhaps medication is in order.  However we must be careful, especially with young children, to not destroy the uniqueness of a young mind. 

Sometimes “disorder” can just mean “different.” If we medicate “different” we may gain another “normal” mind, but lose the next genius who could help solve some of the world’s greatest problems.

Hey…I’m just sayin……damn, Sally did have a nice ass.


Sunday, July 28, 2013



It is time once again for:


Gee it was just here!


This week’s stupid headlines and my stupider sophomoric and sometimes offensive comments. 


One headline is completely made up.  Guess the fake and win a mention.



Foul-smelling 'corpse flower' blooms in shadow of US Capitol – Well it’s in the right place to get plenty of fertilizer.

Flat screens mean dogs are watching more TV – So that’s why my set is always tuned onto the “Animal Planet.”

Scientists have found “God’s bathtub,” a lake totally untouched by climate changeScientists were baffled by a flock of rubber ducks found in the lake.

George Zimmerman rescues family from truck crash last week, police say – When the family in an overturned SUV saw Zimmerman they came out with their hands up!

Teen motorist on seaside daytrip parks car on beach - and returns to find it submerged by 3ft tide Ebb tide is low tide?...Ah shit!

CIA wants to control the weather, climate change – The biggest problem is when agents in North Dakota try to make it warmer pissing off agents in Arkansas!

Town in Norway builds giant mirrors to avoid 5 months of darkness – Unfortunately the entire Kardasian family could not resist the giant mirrors and they blocked the sun’s reflections.

Skydiver collides with shortstop, knocking him out for the season – Shortstop called “I got him” but then lost the skydiver in the sun.

Pfizer reports Viagra sales shrinking – Seriously?

Women Often Miss Easy Way to Increase Chances of Getting Pregnant – Stop having headaches?

Norwegian woman wages public fight against Dubai jail sentence after reporting alleged rape – Woman was sentenced to jail for having sex outside of marriage when she was raped.  Sharia Law anyone?


Last week’s Fake headline was:

Atheist group demands crosswalks be referred to as “pedestrian safety zones”- Maybe we should also refer to Easter as “more east!”

             And the only winner - fishducky said...

So many weird ones this week, it's hard to guess. Is it "Atheist group demands crosswalks be referred to as “pedestrian safety zones”"?

Curse you fishducky!!

Visit fishducky @     

Saturday, July 27, 2013



In the summer of 1958, a twelve year old Cranky was visiting his Uncle Jack and Cousins Johnny and Dex.  My Uncle was a big man, over 300 pounds with a laugh to match his size.  It was on this visit that I first heard the recording.

My Aunt Sally had gone shopping, and Uncle Jack asked if anyone wanted to hear a funny record.  We all of course said yes, and Uncle Jack proceeded to pull out a small 78 record hidden inside a volume of Compton’s Encyclopedia. 

“Do not tell Aunt Sally, or your folks,” I was admonished by Uncle Jack, “this is a bootleg record.”

Now I was excited.  A bootleg record; was it even legal to listen to such a recording?  Uncle Jack said nothing as he queued up the record and placed the needle on the bootleg disc.

What followed was shocking to a lad that had been raised by WASPS.  Raised by a family of adults who had never uttered a curse word in my presence, always appeared very proper and certainly were not the type to listen to potty humor.

The bootleg recording was produced in 1946 in Canada by two sportscasters as a goof.  Apparently they made several copies, but it was not for distribution.  The recording was copied again and again on disc and reel to reel tape.  It was distributed underground and played in dark rooms and back alleys around the world.

I about peed my pants listening to this record.  It was years later before I ever discussed it with anyone.  It was a bootleg recording.  Was it illegal?  It was just wrong…wasn’t it?

I later met many people who had also heard this recording and also had about peed their pants.  This recording was the earliest example of something gone viral; quietly, and whispered in the dark, viral.

Thanks to the internet I have rediscovered the recording.  If you are immature, and enjoy potty humor, sit back, hit play, and enjoy the blow by blow description of the contest between the champion Englishman Lord Windesmear, and the challenger, Australian Paul Boomer as they compete in:

The Great Crepitation Contest!

It is a bit long, 15 minutes.

Paul Boomer and Lord Windesmear at the farting pole

Friday, July 26, 2013



My Dad was a chemical engineer, or as he liked to joke, “I are a chemical engineer.  In the late 1950’s his company was building a chemical plant in Japan.  Dad made several trips to Japan, and of course his counterparts from Japan visited the States.

One year around Christmas, Pop called my Mom in the afternoon and informed her that we would be having company for dinner, (yes, it was a male chauvinist world in the 50’s) two Japanese businessmen.

Mom dutifully prepared a roast and set a fancy table for our guests from Japan.  Keep in mind, at the time there were no Japanese cars in the States, “Made in Japan” was synonymous with cheap reproductions, and it was less than 15 years that we were at war with the Japanese…the “inscrutable” Japanese.

When Dad arrived at the front door with his two guests, Mom immediately met them with a deep bow.  The two guests bowed politely and then in the finest English with only a hint of an accent,

“Good evening Mrs. Hagy and thank you for inviting us into your home.”

Mom responded very slowly and loudly in her best Japanese,


My Dad quickly took mom by the arm and whispered, “Peg, they speak perfect English, there is no need to shout.”

“I know,” Mom replied, “I’m not an idiot!”


My brothers quickly pulled mom into the kitchen.

“Mom, they speak perfect English!”

“I know, why does everyone keep telling me that?”

“Because you are talking to them like the Lone Ranger talks to Tonto!”

“Oh really.”

“Yes, stop shouting, and use your verbs and articles.”

“Oh my…thank you for telling me, I had no idea I was talking like that.”

“Well Mom, you were.”

We all went back to the table for dinner, and Mom came in with a perfectly cooked Roast Beef on a platter.


It may have been the longest dinner ever.

Strangely, my father’s guests from the other side of the world were quite smitten with my mother.

Wednesday, July 24, 2013



The following is the opinion of a cranky old man for Cranky Opinion Saturday.

Opposing opinions are welcome (wrong, but welcome) and please, no name calling and that means you, you big stupid-head!

Oops! Posted early by mistake, so I guess Cranky Opinion Saturday comes on a Thursday this week.


New York City is set to elect a new mayor.  Our (anyone in the tri-state area considers NYC as “OUR” city) current three term mayor, Mayor Bloomberg, is declining to run for a fourth term.

The current leader in the polls is Anthony Weiner.  Mr. Weiner is a career politician.  He is an excellent campaigner, an intelligent man, he has done some positive things in public service and embraces all the politically correct issues that anyone seeking office in NYC needs to embrace.

Mr. Weiner has also been exposed exposing himself.  In 2011, Mr. Weiner sent explicit text pictures and messages to several women, all while his wife was expecting their first child.  Anthony stepped down as a congressman due to the ensuing scandal, apologized to his wife and his constituency, and slunk into obscurity for two years.

Now Anthony Weiner is back, and just now more explicit sexting messages and pictures are being brought to the public eye.  These messages were sent in August 2012, one year after he apologized to his wife and constituency for his previous indiscretions and momentary lack of judgment.  Anthony Weiner’s sexting name is “Carlos Danger.”

Anthony Weiner is still the leading candidate in the polls for becoming the next mayor of New York.  Apparently many New York voters believe that what a person does in his personal life should not affect his performance in public life.

After all, what difference does it make? 

If Anthony Weiner picked his nose in his private life and his wife did not care, then screw it, let him be mayor.  If Anthony Weiner scratched his nuts in his private life, then screw it, let him become mayor.  If Anthony Weiner smoked pot but never inhaled, screw it, let him be mayor.  If Anthony Weiner watches girl on girl porn in his private life, screw it, let him be mayor.

I draw the line at texting pictures of your genitals to multiple women while your wife is pregnant.  It indicates a lack of judgment, it indicates a disregard for personal relationships, it indicates a weak person, a vane person, a mixed up person, and it indicates a person is an asshole.

New York is a great city.  New York has a history of great mayors; LaGuardia who invented the Airport, Wagner who invented the paint sprayer, Koch who invented “How’m I doin,” Dinkins, who invented…ok Dinkins was not so great, but Giuliani cleaned up after Dinkins and was heroic during the 911 terrorist attacks, and current Mayor Bloomberg, who even though he is a little wacky regarding cigarettes and soft drinks has been an outstanding mayor.

From the history of all these great mayors, is my city really going to elect a man that no one would allow to baby sit their children, a man with no self-respect, a man who doesn’t have the decency to remain under a rock out of the public eye, a man who is an asshole?

Is my city really going to elect as its mayor a man who has texted pictures of his penis to multiple different women while his own wife was pregnant with and even after his first child was born? Are we really going to elect “Carlos Danger?”

God I hope not. 

It’s bad enough that New Jersey bars have gotten away with selling dirty water as booze, how much more shame can I endure?

Please New York City; don’t elect an asshole as mayor!

The preceding has been the opinion of a cranky old man, and not necessarily that of management…Mrs. Cranky.        



Is there one really smart person out there?  I need an app!  There is an app to tune your guitar, an app to pick up chicks, an app to find a restaurant or a motel.  If you want it there is an app for it…except…

Every day I get multiple emails from Adriana21.  Apparently this young lady has seen my picture on Facebook and she wants to have sex with me.  If I want to get in touch with her to have sex I need to send her my SS #, my birth date  and the account numbers of all my bank accounts. 

Every hour my blog gets multiple hits from the same internet address in Russia.

Will someone please invent an app that allows me to block emails and or blog hits from a specified IP Address?  I want to block Adriana21 and bounce her message right back to her.  If she is bothering other handsome men she finds on Facebook, and I suspect she just might be doing so, and her emails are blocked and returned by all these irresistible men she will have to deal with computer overload!

If these Russian a-holes are spamming other bloggers and I suspect they are and their spam gets sent right back to them it just might knock them off line. 

Please, how hard is it to design such an app? 

The return message should be:

“I’m rubber you’re glue, all your spam bounces off me and sticks to you…dickhead!” 

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

CRAZY EYES - a cranky re-run

This re-run is from July 2012

This is for you Debbie of Staten Island
This may not be a politically correct thought, but I believe it has some validity, so I will express it.

We are currently suffering through a tough economy.  Cities and even states are suffering a monetary crunch.  Taxes have reached the point of diminishing return.  Raising taxes in this economy results in a decrease of revenue.  If you can’t make ends by raising taxes then states and municipalities need to reduce expenses.

One way which I believe we could cut costs is in the area of the courts.  It is a very expensive process judging and trying defendants for their criminal behavior.  Prosecutors are expensive, defense lawyers are expensive, judges, courts, and juries are all very expensive. 

Many defendants can be judged as guilty instantly by their “CRAZY EYES.” If a defendant has crazy eyes...Guilty.  No trial, no expense.  Next case.

Please…don’t get all uppity you know crazy eyes.  Remember “The Runaway Bride?” 

Jennifer Wilbanks, an American woman who ran away from home on April 26, 2005, in order to avoid her wedding with John Mason, her fiance, on April 30. Her disappearance from Duluth, Georgia, sparked a nationwide search and intensive media coverage, including some media speculation that Mason had killed her. On April 29, Wilbanks called Mason from Albuquerquem New Mexico, and falsely claimed that she had been kidnapped and sexually assaulted by a Hispanic male and a white woman.
One look at those Crazy Eyes and you just knew GUILTY.

How much money did it cost to convict Charles Manson?  Do you even remember his eyes?


Here are some others, what do you think?

Sirhan Sirhan – Murdered Bobby Kennedy in 1968

Crazy Eyes=Guilty!

Jared Lee Loughner - charged with the shooting in Tucson, Arizona, on January 8, 2011, that killed six people, including Chief U.S. District Court Judge John Roll.  Guilty?
You make the call.

Marshall Applewhite - Led 39 members of Heaven’s Gate cult to their death in 1997. 

He was guilty…he had Crazy Eyes!

Ted Bundy – Killed 30 people between 1974 and 1978.  He was said to be very charming.  He was almost hypnotic with his…you got it


Osama Bin Laden


George Zimmerman is about to go to trial for second degree murder of Travon Martin.  I don’t want to influence a jury, but this trial will cost millions of dollars.
  George’s eyes?  Crazy?

OK, I know the eye thing is not foolproof.  There are exceptions.  Comedian Marty Feldman would have been convicted without a trial of almost anything.
  Oops! Guilty of being funny 

Well our system today makes errors 

 At least my system would save money.

Monday, July 22, 2013






Thursday, July 11, was a rainy day on the Jersey Shore.  I was stuck in a small seashore apartment with my son, Spencer, Mrs. Cranky, and step-crank Casey.  It would have been a miserable day except…The Syfy Channel was holding an all-day shark movie fest.

It started with “Mega Shark Vs. The Giant Octopus,” a must see as Spencer and I had watched it before.  We had to see the giant shark leap one mile out of the ocean to grab a 747 just one more time.

This classic was followed by “Swamp Shark,” “Super Shark,” Malibu Shark Attack,” and finally, the coup de grace, the long awaited premier of “Sharknado!”  What a way to pass a rainy day.

“Sharknado” was promoted all day.  We planned our dinner around “Sharknado.”  We were not disappointed.  This was the best bad movie EVER!

“Sharknado” staring Ian Ziering and Tara Reid and Cassie Scerbo is not to be believed.  In short, a freak hurricane swamps Los Angeles, and a series of tornados suck up and drop thousands of sharks on a terrorized populace.

In the must be seen to be believed final action scene, Ian Ziering is wielding a chain saw and chopping falling sharks in half.  A giant shark swallows him and his chain saw whole. 

Ian saws his way out of the sharks belly, and then goes back inside the shark to pull out Cassie Scerbo who had fallen out of a helicopter trying to stop the tornado with a bomb.


That is as much as I will tell you, I don’t want to ruin this soon to be classic by giving away any more action.

What I want to know is how did anyone pitch this movie idea to a producer?

“I have an idea Bob, a tornado hits LA, and dumps thousands of sharks on the city.”

“Hmmm Thunder, let me think about that…er…ah…that has to be the STUPIDEST FREAKING IDEA I HAVE EVER HEARD!...I’ll bet the Syfy Channel will buy it.”

Great lines from Sharknado:

Cassie in the helicopter surrounded by sharks in the tornado, “Were going to need a bigger helicopter.”  Sound familiar.

Cassie explaining scars on her leg.  She was fishing with her grandfather when the boat hit the rocks and sank among sharks, “So, six of us went into the water, I survived…sharks got the rest.” Quint anybody?

Anyway, all you wanna-be writers, and I know you are out there, do not be discouraged by all those rejections, all it takes is one good idea.  Like “SHARKNADO!”