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Friday, October 25, 2013

WHEN IN THE SUPERMARKET…


WHEN IN THE SUPERMARKET…
 
I just got back from the supermarket, and I was about to pull up my misogynistic cranky pants and go all bat crap about women and shopping.

But then…

I had an epiphany! 

The supermarket is woman’s territory.  Women make the rules, they determine the culture.  When I am in their environment, it is up to me to adapt to the rules of the supermarket.  It is silly for me to expect that normal behavior and courtesy would prevail; it is up to me to learn the rules and abide by them.

And so…

From now on when I am at the supermarket I will be sure to push my cart not all the way to the right, but right down the middle of the aisle.  I must remember it is the supermarket, not the highway.  The rules of the road do not apply in the supermarket aisle.

When I meet another shopper who is also pushing straight down the middle of the aisle I will remember to look down or at the produce.  The first person to see another cart coming is obliged to veer to the right. 

If I am looking for an item I now know to leave my cart on the opposite side of the aisle from where I am looking.  That way I am sure to keep any other shopper from passing through until I pick out my item.  Never, I repeat never, look behind you or you will be obliged to move your cart for another shopper who is coming through.  This will make you an object of scorn and the other shopper will block you from passing while she is looking for a jar of olives.

If you change your mind about buying something, just put it on any shelf, preferably behind a box of cornflakes.  Remember it is not your problem.

If you are buying corn on the cob, always shuck five or six ears to get the very best ones.  Put the ones you don't want back...they will go bad when un-shucked.   Other shoppers will have to purchase the inferior spoiled corn.  Hey, it is the supermarket...shuck'em! 

Never check out of the express line with less than 18 items, the 12 item limit is just a suggestion.  Multiple items count as one, i.e. ten cans of tuna fish even if they are rung up separately still count as only one item.

When you are checking out, take your time, shoppers behind you probably have nowhere else to go anyway.  Let the cashier bag for you while you read the latest copy of “Star,” then put it back in the rack.  Do not take out your wallet until the final tally is announced, then take your time seeking out the most bills and change possible to reduce the weight of your wallet.  Never just hand the cashier a ten dollar bill to pay $9.74; you have the exact change dammit and if it takes eight minutes to dig it out it is well worth it.

In keeping with the aisle rule, stay in the middle of the road as you push your cart back to the car.  The cars behind you really have no place to go.

If a car is waiting behind you to take your space when you are all packed up and ready to leave, that is the perfect time to make a phone call.  You will be too busy when you get home to blab to someone about nothing.

I know there are many other rules of which I am unaware, but this is a start.  If I work hard at getting used to and abiding by the rules and culture of the supermarket I may be able to survive a simple shopping trip without blowing my stack.


I discovered a new blogger today, check out http://thebrandywinechronicles.blogspot.com/ she reminds me a whole lot of my daughter...ok, she's my daughter. 
Her first post mysteriously disappeared...it is back again.
 

 

19 comments:

  1. Or what's worse, when they decide to write a cheque! (sorry, "check")
    See, there's the problem. It's called a "check-out", so some of these dimwits think that means writing a check for your groceries is OK. Maybe you need to go back to spelling it "cheque", but I don't think that would help.
    There's none of that here in Canada (or any other parts of the world I've visited, now that I think of it) but I sure saw enough of that in the States.
    Don't even get me started about shopping in Puerto Rico! Gah!

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  2. OMG, this is hilarious and so true. Supermarket aisle rage!! One time I caught a couple checking out in the express aisle separately. I said to them, "My that is crafty." She responded, "we are paying separately. We are not married anymore but my ex is dying of cancer and so I am taking care of him."

    Oh

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  3. You paid $9.74 at the super market? Hell, that's just the cover charge these days.

    Yeah, I feel your pain. I try to do my shopping mid-morning on a weekday so I won't have to put up with too many of those airheads.

    Good post!

    S

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  4. I'm not sure how Mrs. C feels about you, but God bless my husband!! He's done all the marketing for years--he even goes to Costco. Of course he MAY just be a masochist, after all, we've been married for 58 years!!

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  5. This is a fantastic post. I laughed my tail off. I have only one question. What is a supermarket?

    I'm on my way to check out the new blog.

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  6. you ARE a crank!

    women shopping alone are not a problem. put a man and woman together to 'couple shop' and you've got the clogged aisles, carts all over the place, body blocking as they're discussing velveeta or the store brand...

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  7. Great observations! Forgot one, though. Bring the entire family to the supermarket for the full shopping experience. Husband, wife and all three to ten children. Allow them to wander freely and scream if they'd like, and not with their indoor voices. So remember to bring along the relatives next time you're shopping.

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  8. You are really cranky today.
    I almost never go in the grocery store. Problem solved.

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  9. I have said many a time: nothing makes you realize how much you hate people like grocery shopping.

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  10. Augghhhh!!!
    you've covered about all of the things that irritate me when I go to the supermarket... except maybe the disgusting electric grocery carts.

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  11. Make sure to run your cart up on the heels of the shopper in front of you who does not realize that supermarket aisles, like the autobahn, have no speed limit, and some people come in just to test-drive the carts, with no intention of stopping to buy anything.

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  12. Ha! This is all so true. What do you think about people who don't take their cart back but instead leave it in the parking lot, perhaps wedge in a planter or something so that it won't roll? Are they lazy? or are they just giving the supermarket lot attendants job security? My son used to work for a supermarket and he said that when it was slow he really enjoyed collecting all the carts in the parking lot because it gave him something to do and it made him look busy.

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  13. What's the rule when someone is completely blocking an aisle and there's a kid in the cart but no parent in sight? Mrs. C. says I can't touch or move it but I do anyway. Am I jail bound?

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  14. Oh, and they leave their purse in the cart, and look at you like you're a criminal when you try to squeeze between them and their neglected pocketbook.

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  15. Hmmm. I do recognize a few of these. It doesn't help that my store plops extra displays into already crowded aisles.

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  16. I also like being in the supermarket especially purchasing the things I wanted...

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  17. Hmm, I think I do that wandering down the middle of the aisle thing. And leaving my trolley on the opposite side of the aisle when I'm looking at something on the other side. I will stop.
    I hate couples blocking aisles, people using the express lane with more than 12 items, and people who leave trolleys all over the car park. And driving in supermarket carparks is pretty hazardous too.

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  18. Indeed, the supermarket has its own rules of behavior! Now the next time I see snaking queues, I will remember these tips. Thanks for sharing!

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