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Monday, October 14, 2013

ELEVATOR STUFF - a cranky re-run


This re-run is from October 2011

I seldom use an elevator ever since I retired some three years ago, so I have no idea why this is in my head.
These are things about elevators that annoy me:

I used to work in an office building which had eight elevators in the lobby.  These elevators were high speed and you rarely had to wait more than ten seconds for a car.  Ninety percent of the time, before the doors would close, some numb nuts would come running yelling, “hold the door.”  The elevators in this building did not have a button labeled open or close; instead the buttons had an accordion pattern which I could never figure out. The closed accordion pattern represented either a closed door so you push to open, or this is the button that you push to close the door; visa versa for the open pattern. 
If you did not hit the correct button, the aforementioned numb nuts would curse and call you something unpleasant as the door slammed in his face.  To which I always thought, “Relax asshole…and why is the ten extra seconds you might have to wait more important than me waiting an extra ten seconds for you to race to the door?”

This next one always irked me.  Waiting for the door to close and some jerk leans over and pushes the close button (everyone could figure it out but me) then as the doors close he acts all cocky like if he hadn’t pushed the button the door would not have closed. 

These are the same idiots that push the button to change the light at a cross walk.  They push and push and after three minutes when the light changes they think they actually did something.
Why won’t some people let you out when you reach your floor?  Just step the fuck out, let me go, and then you can get back in.  It won’t leave without you!

People please don’t talk loud in the elevator!  First off it is annoying and second when you get off I don’t get to hear the end of your conversation.  I can’t tell you how many times I was late for work following these people to hear the end of a story.
Parents please, control your kids!  Why do parents let their kid push the buttons for every floor as they exit?  GRRRRR!

When the elevator is crowded, some lady always touches me inappropriately!  Please!! I am not a piece of meat.  (I’m just kidding on this one, go ahead and fondle,)
Finally, when on an elevator, please, I beg of you, please do not cut the cheese, they always blame the old guy!


  1. At least a benefit from having kids on the elevator is having someone to blame the "cut cheese" on.

  2. laughed at your being late to work as you followed folks to hear the rest of their conversation. good one!

  3. Both Stephen & TexWisGirl make a good point!!

  4. I tell my kids that if they push the elevator "call" button continually then the elevator will go faster as it races to get to our floor. And then once the elevator arrive, I tell them to check to see if the people that were in the elevator have messy hair from the wild ride they just had.

    I hate getting in an elevator when there's just one other person in there with me. I always feel like I should be polite and talk to them or something.

    Did you ever see the elevator prank that is on YouTube? I swear I would FREAK OUT completely if it were me in there with that scary ghost girl. Check it out:

  5. So if you're usually the oldest guy on the elevator, and you know you're gonna get blamed for it anyway, why not get on holding a "tip cup"? You might never have to pay for a lunch out-of-pocket again. ;)

  6. I just had a birthday and am now prolly officially "the oldest guy!"

    Stand back!

  7. I hate it when kids stare at me. Turn around and stare at the closed door like everyone else, kiddo. I am not some circus freak escaped from the midway. But I think that gassy old guy is.

  8. I have never figured out proper elevator etiquette. How about the person who hits the button even though you just pushed it to call the elevator and they saw you.

  9. So glad you used the 'cut the cheese' expression on one of my posts so I knew what you were talking about.

    Why do some people hog the buttons too? I want to push my own button not have to ask someone to do it for me or, even worse, when they let their kid hog the button and I'm supposed to find it really cute when they press the button for me.

    Let me push my own button dammit!