Stupid Headlines 033119

Stupid Headlines 033119

This week’s stupid headlines and my stupider sometimes sophomoric comments.

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Convicted pedophile passes out after getting sentenced to 260 years behind bars - He was hoping for only 130 years.

Apple targets core customers with new credit card – “Core” customers …Really?

 Japan says it will not build 'killer robots' – Actually what they promised was no ‘kirrer lobots’.

Vermont woman, 84, heading to Poland to compete in pole-vaulting championship – After that she plans to go to Finland to compete in swimming.

Stolen Indiana hot air balloon recovered by police – It was about 70’ tall multicolored in a grid pattern and heading west with the wind at about 10 mph, probably not that hard to track and find.

Florida homeless man calls cops to report he paid for sex -- but got scammed – Homeless, but still able to scrape up enough money for sex…maybe next time he makes it COD.  At least he won’t be homeless for a while.

Bride busted for embezzling $93K for her wedding gown and a butt lift – It would have been cheaper to have the dress altered to fit her butt, rather than to get a butt lift to fit the dress.

Phillies fans booed Bryce Harper after his second strikeout on Opening Day – The fans that bombed Santa with snow balls, boos their new zillion dollar star on opening day…I LOVE PHILLY! No, seriously their fans are great.

A 1998 slaying went cold for 20 years -- until the suspect applied for a job – He probably should have left “murderer” of his resume.

Ohio couple accused of having sex on giant spinning Ferris wheel – “Hey, what the Hell, she said she wanted to get off!”

Nicolas Cage claims he was too intoxicated to ‘understand’ his marriage – Being intoxicated was the only thing that made any sense in my last marriage.

THIS WEEKS FEEL-GOOD HEADLINE:

Mom Snaps Viral Picture of a Cable Technician Comforting Her Disabled Son While He Fixes the Internet – Feel-good?  It works for me.

https://www.goodnewsnetwork.org/picture-of-cable-technician-comforting-disabled-boy-while-fixing-internet/

Jussie Smollett

Jussie Smollett

A cranky opinion for

Cranky Opinion Saturday

The following is the opinion of a cranky old man with little expertise on the topic opined.  Opposing opinions are welcome, but they are wrong!  As always, no name calling, and that means you, you big stupid-head!

I really didn’t want to comment on this Jussie Smollett thing.  First of all, I don’t really care all that much.  I’ve never watched his show, and never heard of him until this whole bru-ha-ha hit the news.  But I did post on his guilt a few weeks ago, so I guess I need to post on this new turn of events.

https://joeh-crankyoldman.blogspot.com/search?q=Jussie+Smollett

OK, in a nutshell, this actor claimed he was a victim of a racist homophobic attack which he said was committed by two white guys wearing red MAGA hats.

It turned out that the whole thing was a hoax and Jussie was looking at serious charges and possible jail time.

The other day, out of the blue all charges were dropped.  There is more evidence on his guilt than against OJ, but the charges were dropped.  The Chicago Police and the Mayor are livid.

Why were the charges dropped?

One theory was some very powerful political arm twisting.

Another theory was the Police by having a public airing of the evidence and forcefully declaring Jussie’s guilt they poisoned the jury pool and any trial would be very difficult.

My position?  I don’t care that this is not going to trial.  It was a hoax, and Jussie is now and will continue to pay a price.  He may still appear on his TV show, he might bring extra curiosity seekers to the show for an episode or two, but when that show is done, I suspect his career is toast.

What really fries my buns, is after all charges were dropped, and everyone knows it is BS, Jussie went before the cameras and proclaimed his innocence.  He was very convincing, except we now know what a skilled actor he is and it was clear he was acting again.  It was not only incredibly nervy, it was also stupid.

If Jussie wanted to save his career, he should have shown some remorse.

“I want to thank the DA for dropping this case, I am grateful to having been spared the expense and embarrassment of a trial.  I am not admitting guilt, but I do want to apologize for all the people I have hurt through my bad judgement.  Let me just leave it at that.  False claims of injustice only serve to incite injustice, making a false claim for any purpose is counterproductive.

I hope I can eventually put this incident behind me and move forward.  That is all I can say at this time without jeopardizing the decision of the DA.

Thank you very much and I ask for everyone to understand and forgive.”

OK, maybe this would have incriminated him and would have been stupid, but then he should have just said nothing other than “I’m glad this has been settled.” Reasserting his innocence was pouring salt in the wound of public opinion when contrition might have started the healing.

People in this country are generally very forgiving.  If you are perceived as genuinely contrite, you will be forgiven.

The stance Jussie took guarantees that he will never be forgiven.  His name will be associated with this hoax.  It will become a verb for any future hoax.  

“I don’t believe you, I think you’re Jussieing us.”

I think you Lewinskied it Jussie, you are cleared by law, but as guilty as OJ in the court of public opinion and that will be your own private prison, a prison that carries a life sentence.

The preceding was the opinion of a cranky old man, and not necessarily that of management…Mrs. Cranky.

She’s Back!!

She’s Back!!

Not the real Mrs. C...stunt Mrs. C

Mrs. C came back from a week of working at her dance studio’s Ball Room Dance competition.  She is back, but life is not yet normal.

Apparently when you work seven days in a row, and many days are from 6am to 2am, you come home tired.  When you come home tired you also are a bit cranky…even crankier than your cranky husband.

Exacerbating the problem was my cleaning up while Mrs. C was away. 

You see, my wife tends to not throw things away.  Specifically, she saves paper napkins she scarfs up at diners and restaurants.  We have drawers stuffed with paper napkins; her car has compartments with paper napkins spilling out. 

“You never know when you’ll need a paper napkin!”

She also saves all the plastic bags you get at every store in Jersey.  I don’t know about other places, but in Jersey if you buy a pack of gum, they toss it in a plastic bag and hand it to you before you can tell them you don’t need a bag to carry a pack of gum.  I sometimes open up a drawer or closet, and paper bags come at me like Jack in that all-around-the-Mulberry-bush song box.

Mrs. C also saves receipts.  This is not a bad idea, it is handy to have the receipt if you need to return a purchase, but after two months, I’m pretty sure we are not going to return anything we bought at Stop-and-Shop.

I went on a rampage while on my own and tossed any receipt that was over six weeks old, and plastic bags and paper napkins that were in obvious excess.  I know better than to toss anything else.  You never know what my wife might have a reason for saving what seems like crap.

Most of the time I think she just does not want to toss something without thinking about it.   She saves it somewhere that she won’t see it for weeks.  Then when she does stumble over it she thinks,

“I must have saved this for a reason, I’ll figure it out later,”

Anyway, I don’t toss stuff willy-nilly.

When my cranky sleep-deprived wife came home her first words when she saw the kitchen was in less disarray than when she left were,

“WHAT DID YOU DO?”

“I just tidied up a bit and tossed excess paper napkins, plastic bags and old receipts.”

Now for the last few days, every time she can’t find something, I get blamed.

“Did you throw away my good pencil?”

“I told you what I threw away, I did not touch anything else.”

“Where is my bobby-pin?  I had one right on the table under the catalog for outdoor wear that I never buy, but you never know?”

“I told you what I threw away, I did not touch anything else.”

“Where is my lucky lottery scratch-off coin?  The next time I have to go away, you are going to my sister or your son’s house, I can’t leave you alone!”

“I told you…”

You get the picture.

It is getting better.  Another day or two of normal sleep and I may get the real Mrs. C back.

In the meantime, I am laying low and throwing nothing away.

She may be right, maybe I am a jerk.

A PERSONAL POLITICAL OBSERVATION

A PERSONAL POLITICAL OBSERVATION

I know I have declared this site to be a politics free zone, however, in this time of political turmoil, I am going to make an exception and voice my opinion.

In the elections of days gone by, I have often been disturbed by how shallow our electorate can be.  I have found this to be especially true of our estrogen positive electorate.

I have known many women where if you asked a question about a candidate, their first observation was,

“I’m not so sure, but he is kinda cute.”

Yes, I realize this is a sexist observation, but sometimes the basis of a sexist comment is overt sexist behavior.

Just look at our last Presidents from the time that there was a TV in almost every home.

John F. Kennedy - As handsome as he was charming.

LBJ - Doesn’t count, he stepped in from Vice President.

Richard Nixon -  Also doesn’t count, he ran against Hubert Humphrey, a great man, a good politician, but even less attractive than Nixon.

Gerald Ford - Still doesn’t count, another VP that slipped in…actually not too bad looking for a clumsy bald dude.

Jimmy Carter- A good looking man, with a very attractive wife. 

Ronald Reagan - An ex-movie star, clearly a handsome man.

George H.W. Bush - My ex-wife, a very liberal woman, often gushed that she had a bit of a crush on him for his athletic good looks.

Bill Clinton - A rock-star, he had the ladies swooning all the way to the polls.

George W. Bush - He inherited his father’s good looks.

Barrack Obama -  Another rock star in looks and demeanor.

Donald Trump - OK, maybe not so much, but he is 72 years old.  In the day, many found him to be a handsome man.

Think about it, if any of these men had bulbous noses with warts and big bald misshapen heads, would they have ever been president?

I don’t think so.

Lately with the many Democrats lining up to run for President, or take over the house I find myself in sympathy with the segment of the electorate that has different body parts than I.

When asked about my opinion of the new Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, I find myself responding,

“She is kinda cute.”

What do you think of Elizabeth Warren?

“She’s attractive, probably was a hotty back in the day.”

Would you vote for Kamala Harris?

“Well, she is a good-looking lady.”

What do you think of the qualifications of Kirstin Gillibrand?

“Not sure, isn’t she that really cute New Yorker?”

Should Nancy Pelosi retire?

“She is not getting any younger, but she’s still puts it together pretty well.”

What do you think about Sarah Palin’s intellect?

“I have no idea, but she’s still hot!”

I probably should not be allowed to vote!

CRANKY’S TV RULES

CRANKY’S TV RULES

I am an admitted TV addict.  Don’t get all judgy on me. I quit smoking (except for an occasional cigar), I quit drinking (except for an occasional glass of wine with dinner or scotch with my occasional cigar), I have recently quit carbs and sugar (except for…OK I’ve cut way back).  Point is I am NOT giving up my TV.

I do have a few TV complaints which I wish the powers-that-be would rectify (tee hee Val, I said rectify.)

If you are listening, powerful TV people, here is my list of Cranky’s new rules for TV.

New Rule – I get to steal Bill Maher’s “New Rule” schtick.

New Rule – No whispering.  I CAN”T FRIGGIN HEAR YOU! Speak up.  If you are not in a library or a movie theater, speak at a normal volume.  I know you think whispering is dramatic, but so is HEARING! If the scene is in a library or a movie theater, use sub titles.

New Rule – English accents do not make a character interesting or sophisticated, they make a character difficult to understand.  Between the whispering and the accents I finally lose the ability to concentrate and lose the plot altogether.  Just use a sub-title that says “This character is sophisticated.”

New Rule – Characters need to look different.  When everyone is thin, white, and blonde, and whispering with an English accent, it is impossible to tell who is who.  Mix them up, TV moguls; throw in some black people, some Asians, and some Mexicans.   Have them wear different color clothes, mix up the hair color and length.   Hell, if I had my way I would assign numbers with names on the back of each character like they do the players in baseball and football.

New Rule – Names have to sound different.  “Is that Marge, Mary, Margret or Marcy?” Come on, mix it up.  If there is a Mary, make the next person Betty, then Noreen, then Peggy.  I’m old; can you please make it easy to follow along?

I grew up when TV knew how to make watching easy.  The Lone Ranger wore a great big white hat…Black Bart wore a black hat.  The Lone Ranger spoke clearly and loudly…Black Bart mumbled. The Lone Ranger was always smiling; even when he was tied up to a chair with fire following a trail to a giant can of gasoline.  Black Bart was always angry and when he smiled it was with that evil villain laugh.  

The TV I grew up with was easy to watch.  There were no twin brothers to confuse you; no dead people who did not actually die; no fancy optical illusions or technological tricks used by the bad guy to confuse the audience.  We knew who to root for and who to boo, and when the bad guy was caught (never killed) he always admitted his guilt and explained what he did and why, with any blanks in the story filled in by the victorious good guy. 

When you watched a show in the good old days, you pretty much knew what was going to happen, then you saw it happen, and at the ending wrap up, just to be sure, they explained to you what just happened.

Finally, New Rule – If the show is not going to end on this week’s episode, tell us before we start to watch.  If the plot will extend to several seasons, let us know.  I can wait and binge watch three years from now.

That’s it TV moguls.  Those are Cranky’s New Rules.  Please fix them…

I’ll wait.

This cranky re-run is from March 2015

Stupid Headlines 032419

Stupid Headlines 032419

This week’s stupid headlines and my stupider sometimes sophomoric comments.

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"Smart" pills are here and we need to consider the risks – My number one worry…What would happen to Reality TV without stupid people?

Playboy Mansion is haunted with a female spirit, ex-playmate says – Gives a different meaning to Ghost Busters.

Nonstick frying pans can make your penis smaller, study says -

            (Shrinkage…you know about shrinkage, don’t you?)

Always just use an old iron skillet with a little olive oil to fry your penis; or better yet, never cook your penis!

The last two headlines are especially for your thirteen-year-old selves.

A slew of CEOs charged in college entrance cheating scam – The only thing about this story that surprised me was; They give scholarships for rowing?

Texas man brings steer to Petco to test ‘all leashed pets are welcome’ policy – Even in Florida they wouldn’t try this…Petco welcomed them.

https://www.foxnews.com/us/texas-man-brings-steer-to-petco-to-test-all-leashed-pets-are-welcome-policy

Parents don’t get enough sleep for 6 years after a child is born, 
researchers say - Are there any mothers in the world who wouldn't say this research was a waste of time and money?

AT&T CEO interrupted by robocall during onstage interview – I wonder if he took advantage of his last chance to qualify for a low interest credit card.

New York man kept 7 sharks in pool at his home – Local kids’ favorite game is Marco Poly-Crap… SHARKS!!!

Wisconsin man charged in bank robbery told police he ‘decided to try something new,' – And now he gets to try something else new…JAIL! Actually, that is probably not new to him.

Man arrested at airport for smuggling drugged orangutan in luggage – Clearly it is just wrong to drug an orangutan.

Woman, 21, opens up about sex life with 74-year-old fiancé - None of my business, and hats off to the old dude, but I still find this to be really creepy!

FEEL-GOOD STORY of the WEEK:

Waffle House waitress helps man cut his food, gets scholarship – What she did was no big deal…she is not a hero, but it is feel-good when good karma comes to good people who just do nice things without an agenda.

https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation-now/2018/03/09/viral-photo-captures-heartwarming-moment-waffle-house-worker-helps-elderly-customer/409948002/

College Scandal

College Scandal

A cranky opinion for

Cranky Opinion Saturday

The following is the opinion of a cranky old man with no expertise on the topic opined.  Opposing opinions are welcome, but they are wrong.  As always, no name calling, and that means you, you big stupid-head!

This Cranky opinion Saturday thing is difficult when you can’t post on politics.  Well you can post on politics, but if you post wrong you will be excoriated.  Apparently, these days you can only express acceptable positions.  If you are not sure if your position is acceptable or not...it is not.

Finally there is something in the news where I think I can safely voice an opinion.

 

Rich people paying to get their children into the best colleges.

There is clearly only one acceptable position to take on this…rich people suck.

Actually, rich people don’t suck, rich people that care about status suck.  These parents paying zillions of dollars to get their children in the “Best” schools, suck.

The thing that gets me, is, dollars to donuts, most of these kids could probably get into very good schools, but that is not good enough for the rich.  Only the best will do. 

I’ve known some of these parents.  From preschool and kindergarten, they hire tutors so their precious budding geniuses will be accepted to “Gifted and Talented” classes.  Then they help with homework all through school.  If precious does not get great grades they badger the teachers…oh yes, they do, I’ve talked to teachers!

Precious then takes “advanced courses” because these days a 4.0 cumulative average is no longer perfect, the best schools demand better than perfect, and advanced courses can do that.  It’s like bowling a 300 (perfect) game is not good enough, they give extra credit for style.

Anyway.

After getting into “Gifted and Talented” and taking advanced courses the little darlings need high SAT scores to get into the prestigious schools, so parents pay big money for special tutoring to “Ace” the SAT’s.  Sometimes they even pay big money for someone else to take the test.

If none of this is good enough, these parents apparently will just buy their little darlings’ way into the best schools.

The best way to do that apparently is giving money to coaches.  Coaches can get almost anyone into school is if they want them on their team...after all, what is more important to a college program then winning at sports?

The stories that I find the most amusing are the children getting into school due to their rowing skills.

Hell, if I was a rowing coach, I might take a few Hundred thousand dollars to get some rich kid into school.  How much can a rowing coach make? 

I would love to hear how these coaches get these little rich bastards (many are actual bastards) into Hoity-Toity State.  How do they pitch the admissions professionals?

“I need this kid, she is a great rower.”

“How did she do on her High School team?”

“How do I know, there are no rowing teams in High School…Hell, half of the High Schools in the country are not even near water big enough to row on.”

“How do you know she is a great rower?”

“Well, she has been on the water, and her parents own a yacht!”

“That doesn’t seem like enough to me.”

“What if I told you I could get you 25 grand if she is accepted?”

“Hmmm…could you give her a megaphone and teach her to yell ‘Stroke, stroke’?”

“Absolutely, she yells great.”

“Well then, she is in!”

The thing about college is, a good school will help you get a good job, but about one week into the job, no one gives a crap where you went to school.  If you went to Harvard, but suck on the job, sucking caries far more weight than Harvard.

At least that is how it used to be.  Now I guess if your parents are willing to fund you beyond college, they can buy your way up the corporate ladder.

Or better yet, if your parents have that much money, who needs to work?  These parents are proud to support a worthless do-nothing piece of crap kid…as long as they have a degree from a top school that they can brag about.

The preceding was the opinion of a cranky old man and not necessarily that of management…Mrs. Cranky.

  

When The Cat is Away

When The Cat is Away

Mrs. C has been away this week.  She is working at a dance studio event.  Her boss runs two events like this every year.  They are a big deal in the world of Ballroom Dancing.

While she is away, I am free to watch whatever TV I want.  I can practice guitar as long as I want.  I can smoke a cigar without hearing about the smell, and enjoy it with an extra glass of port.  I stay up even later than normal and sleep as late as I want…ok that is nothing new.

Point being, for a full week I am on my own.  Being on your own every once in a while, is a good thing.  I sort of look forward to it.

Don’t get judgy on me, I know Mrs. C always looked forward to alone time during my once a week visits to sit for the Pennsylvania grandchildren.

Being on you own sometimes is good for a relationship. 

It is now the third day that I am on my own.  Mrs. C will be back in four more days.

Have you heard of the three-day rule?  That is the limit of days that you visit or are visited by family or friends.  More than three days and welcome starts to run out.

Apparently, there is a three-day rule for Mrs. C being away.  Her absence is no longer a welcome change of pace.  Enough of the alone time, and the cigars and extra glass of port. 

I miss the wife…Let that be our little secret.

My Fair Lady

My Fair Lady

A few weeks back I got a text from fraternity pal, Captain Don.

Getting tickets to My Fair Lady at Lincoln Center March 16 with Joe C and Judy…you in?

Not being a fan of musicals, I responded

I’d rather eat glass!

Unfortunately, he also copied in Mrs. C who responded,

Ignore Cranky, we’re in.

I don’t like musicals.  If the music is good, then I’ll just listen to the record.  Most musicals, the music is really people sing-talking.  It all sounds alike and it all sounds bad. 

I’m pretty sure I’d seen My Fair Lady the movie, how could the stage be better than a movie?

Anyway, we went. 

Joe C drove.  It was a 2 o’clock show, ended at five.  We had wonderful dinner after at Captain Don’s. (Hmm, that’s a great name for a restaurant!)

I’ll bet some of you are thinking,

“You probably had a good time, it should be a great show.”

Some of you would be right.  I did take a short snooze early on, not because the show was bad, I was just tired. 

It turns out I knew all the music and some of the plot, but I never saw the movie or the show before.  I knew all the music because the pieces are so iconic.  The music was great, the singing excellent.

I prefer movies to stage shows, as they can do so much more with sets and effects. 

Stage shows are a special art form. 

I did have a special appreciation for this play.  It was interesting how clever the sets were and how they changed seamlessly.  I was impressed with how the actors went through multiple costume changes, and the fact that they could go through their lines flawlessly. 

The theater was great, not a bad seat in the house.  So OK, I enjoyed the performance. 

That is the difference between the stage and the screen.  On the screen you rate the movie.  On stage you rate the performance.  Comparing the two mediums is like comparing a photo with a painting.  You can do more with a photo, but painting takes a special talent.

Amazing that this story has been around for 60 or more years and I didn’t even know how it turned out.  Let me just say, I was happy Eliza left Henry. 

Henry Higgins was a dick!

Anyway; great show, great friends, great food...much better than eating glass.

As an aside, due to a recent post, I received in the mail today two boxes of Samoa’s, my favorite cookie that Mrs. C hides under dish towels.  They were sent by Captain Don.  What a thoughtful guy.  I just mention something I love in a post, and he sends me two boxes.

Thanks Captain Don…and, just a thought, I have always wanted a Porsche Boxter.