CRANKY’S TV RULES
I am an admitted TV addict. Don’t get all judgy on me. I quit smoking (except for an occasional cigar), I quit drinking (except for an occasional glass of wine with dinner or scotch with my occasional cigar), I have recently quit carbs and sugar (except for…OK I’ve cut way back). Point is I am NOT giving up my TV.
I do have a few TV complaints which I wish the powers-that-be would rectify (tee hee Val, I said rectify.)
If you are listening, powerful TV people, here is my list of Cranky’s new rules for TV.
New Rule – I get to steal Bill Maher’s “New Rule” schtick.
New Rule – No whispering. I CAN”T FRIGGIN HEAR YOU! Speak up. If you are not in a library or a movie theater, speak at a normal volume. I know you think whispering is dramatic, but so is HEARING! If the scene is in a library or a movie theater, use sub titles.
New Rule – English accents do not make a character interesting or sophisticated, they make a character difficult to understand. Between the whispering and the accents I finally lose the ability to concentrate and lose the plot altogether. Just use a sub-title that says “This character is sophisticated.”
New Rule – Characters need to look different. When everyone is thin, white, and blonde, and whispering with an English accent, it is impossible to tell who is who. Mix them up, TV moguls; throw in some black people, some Asians, and some Mexicans. Have them wear different color clothes, mix up the hair color and length. Hell, if I had my way I would assign numbers with names on the back of each character like they do the players in baseball and football.
New Rule – Names have to sound different. “Is that Marge, Mary, Margret or Marcy?” Come on, mix it up. If there is a Mary, make the next person Betty, then Noreen, then Peggy. I’m old; can you please make it easy to follow along?
I grew up when TV knew how to make watching easy. The Lone Ranger wore a great big white hat…Black Bart wore a black hat. The Lone Ranger spoke clearly and loudly…Black Bart mumbled. The Lone Ranger was always smiling; even when he was tied up to a chair with fire following a trail to a giant can of gasoline. Black Bart was always angry and when he smiled it was with that evil villain laugh.
The TV I grew up with was easy to watch. There were no twin brothers to confuse you; no dead people who did not actually die; no fancy optical illusions or technological tricks used by the bad guy to confuse the audience. We knew who to root for and who to boo, and when the bad guy was caught (never killed) he always admitted his guilt and explained what he did and why, with any blanks in the story filled in by the victorious good guy.
When you watched a show in the good old days, you pretty much knew what was going to happen, then you saw it happen, and at the ending wrap up, just to be sure, they explained to you what just happened.
Finally, New Rule – If the show is not going to end on this week’s episode, tell us before we start to watch. If the plot will extend to several seasons, let us know. I can wait and binge watch three years from now.
That’s it TV moguls. Those are Cranky’s New Rules. Please fix them…
I’ll wait.
This cranky re-run is from March 2015
Heh, heh! I vote you to be the head rectify-er of all TV! That mumbling stuff kills me. And the characters looking alike. I couldn't tell Luke Perry and Jason Priestly apart for the first season of Beverly Hills 90210! Same hair, same sideburns.
ReplyDeleteBut Jason Priestly was "the pretty boy" and Luke Perry was just good looking. And stayed good looking as he aged.
DeleteAnd I thought it was only me that was bothered by new TV. Most times I can't understand or even hear what they're saying. I'm almost at the point of trawling through programmes looking for old fashioned films.
ReplyDeleteThe volume thing is annoying, esp. Since the commercials are so loud.
ReplyDeleteI'll take it the the powerful TV people didn't heed your post the last time around so better luck this time.
ReplyDeleteAlso, some of the stations seem to speed up the broadcast so they can jam in more commercials.
ReplyDeleteI watch TV when we eat dinner each evening and I’ve noticed the things you mentioned but also the speed thang. It drives me crazy.
Queenie hates it but I sometimes turn on subtitles and read rather than listen. Not only are the variations in speech volumes, accents, and similar looking characters troubling but far too many of the 'actors' have similar voices and voice patterns from studying under the same set of 3 vocal coaches in Hollywood such that their timing, pacing, and tone are near identical.
ReplyDeleteAnd for the record, O LOVE DVRs because you don't have to watch on their schedule. But I hate DVRs with a raw and primal hate because Queenie turns the volume up and down when scenes get louder or softer but isn't quick on the trigger so we sometimes watch a scene two three or four times in succession while she fiddles with the volume so she can hear it at her preferred level or so she can understand everything that was whispered.
Hmmm, sounds like a need a 'his' TV room ......
I have to check that caption thing, I must have it somewhere. I know the caption thing on the gym tv's are a bit delayed, that would put me up the wall...gonna give it a try.
DeleteI'm with you on the whispering and accents and yes I will resort to closed captioning on English movies. It isn't perfect but I do get to follow the plot. I always record my shows and often have two waiting so if it is continued, I have the second show ready to go.
ReplyDeleteI think you got great rules. We gave up cable last year and went to an antenna to get local channels and then we stream what we want through Netflix and Amazon Prime. Cheaper in the long run from what we were paying for cable. Lost some "favorite" channels but still quite a bit to watch out there. Hubby likes to watch old westerns. I have to say, you can keep up with the plot much better with them than some of the newer things out there. And then you don't have to worry about profanity in case young ears are over.
ReplyDeletebetty
great rules. I agree with each one.
ReplyDeleteThe rule of blonde white women may be starting to wane, at least a bit. I hope so.
We go to NetFlix a lot for binge watching. WE too get tired being disappointed. I still wonder what happened with the Space Family Robinson ending.
We use captions on nearly everything we watch these days.
ReplyDeleteThere's no reason for you to quit watching or apologize because you do, and there should be no mumbling or whispering, for certain. Notice they never whisper the commercials, either. They should be just as certain you get the plot as you do the advertising.
ReplyDeleteI've totally given up on TV. Since we moved here Dec 10 I may have watched 2 hours of TV .. total...and yes, that whispering has GOT TO GO.
ReplyDeleteI can't see myself ever giving up Tv, but it was easier to watch when the soundtrack didn't drown the dialogue and yes please, people who don't all look alike and under 25 years old.
ReplyDeleteThe same with movies, we set the volume high to hear the dialogue and get blasted when the "chase" music plays. The one TV show that really got it right was Monk. We own the series on DVD, go through it over again at least once a year. It's fairly easy to follow, and in case you missed something they explain it all at the end. Oh yeah, we still laugh too.
ReplyDeletePerfect rules!
ReplyDelete