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Saturday, August 25, 2012

I’VE GOT AN IDEA, BODY ART!


I’VE GOT AN IDEA, BODY ART!
 

When I was a child it was common to make fun of the strange customs of other cultures.  In China they bound young girls feet so they wouldn’t grow.  How crazy is that?  In some African cultures they used rings to stretch the necks of their young girls.  Some tribes put plates in women’s lips…always an attractive look; and what virile young man would not want to show off by adding a bone through their nose?

How silly, how backward, how strange we thought once upon a time.  Yet our culture today is every bit as silly and even more backward, and strange.

EXAMPLES:

I’ll see your plates in the lips and raise you lip injections.  Doesn’t everyone want to look like a duck?

Bind your feet?  We got anorexia, what young girl wouldn’t look more attractive if they could only lose five more pounds?

Bone through the nose?  We have nose rings, tongue studs (alwas bawy attwaktive.)  Want more?  How about toe rings, ear rings, nipple rings, belly-button rings, vagina rings, and penis (shudder) rings?

Not enough?  We have breast implants, butt lifts, penis enlargement, nose jobs, grills, and tattoos.  Yes tattoos because we can’t have enough permanent shit painted on our body. 

Mrs. C. wanted me to get a tattoo.  I almost got the New York Yankee “NY” permanently affixed to my left bicep until I realized that would be the new initials of my first ex-wife.

In what universe do people think earlobes stretched to your shoulders is a good look?  I have never had anyone elbow me and say, “Hey Dude, check out those earlobes.  Damn they are HOT!”

Face lift?  Would you rather look like a mature woman or catwoman?

Why are black people bleaching their skin white while white people are risking skin cancer in the sun trying to be black?

Here is a really good idea.  Squirt poison in your face to reduce wrinkles and gain that always attractive porcelain smooth no expression-ever look.  And just to keep it in place, squirt that poison in every four months.

I can understand a little plastic surgery for actors and actresses whose living often is dictated by their looks, but women do you know:

If your husband found you attractive when you married, he probably still finds you attractive as you age.  Well…most men.

Beauty is skin deep.  Body art, surgery and ornamental attachments do not make you attractive.

You want to be more attractive? 

Lose some weight (or gain some weight) it’s healthy. 

Men…get a job, a car, and move out of your parent’s house.

Women…read a book.

Men…take a bath, wash your hair and brush your teeth.

Women…smile and stop complaining.

Men…open doors, pull out a chair, and learn how to give a sincere compliment.

Women…say thank you, and act like a Lady…oh…and show some cleavage for God sake!

9 comments:

  1. What did Joan Rivers say? She'd like to show some cleavage but these days she'd need open-toed shoes to do it.

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  2. Dude, you have some valid points.

    And some chauvinistic tendencies as well.

    UNLESS you are just stirring?

    Where do you draw the line on what is attractive?

    Can women wear makeup?
    Wear jewellery?
    or are they 'attachments too?

    And how does reading a book make a woman more attractive?

    Sheesh I read books all the time and I'm no Mona Lisa... I feel gypped now!

    Back at ya.... only I'm off to bed, it's late saturday night here.

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  3. Lotta truth here Cranky. Often times we'll go back to our old neighborhood where they have some very upscale restaurants, clubs, theaters, etc, and just people watch. What I never understood was how the women were dressed to the nine's....hair, makeup, magazine cover good looks....while the guys were in torn jeans and a dirty white t-shirt, looking like they just crawled out from under the car after a day of transmission repair.

    I've actually slammed the door on guys coming to pick up my daugher (many years ago) if they looked like a refugee.

    S

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  4. Clap Clap Cranky....We are currently living in a weird society. I am currently working on a post on botox watching a documentary at this very moment and I am shocked. It is horrible what plastic surgeons will do to your self esteem if you allow them to.

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  5. Too funny....I have nothing to add, you are right and it is hilarious.

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  6. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  7. Would that be enhanced boob cleavage Cranky?

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  8. So funny!!!!! But, being married to a dude who does T & A's for a livin' THANK GAWD, for crazies who strive for society's perception of "beauty" 'cause they put dinner on my table baby!!!!

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