I NEED A FILTER

I NEED A FILTER

A while back, I was visiting a friend and his wife whom I knew married years ago in somewhat of a hurry.  In an attempt to open a bottle of wine he was looking for a specific tool.  He asked his wife “could you hand me that rubber thing?”  I immediately responded, “If you had asked that question 40 years ago, you might not be married today.”

I need a filter.

This is why I do not like large parties with people I do not know very well.  I need a filter.  In lieu of a filter I often just shut the F up.  People often ask, “Why are you so quiet?”  Mrs. Cranky just interrupts with, “You really don’t want to know.”

People who know me realize that I am harmless.  If given the opportunity I will make fun of anybody and any subject.  Those whom are politically correct will gloss over stereotypes and controversial subjects.  I believe in attacking stereotypes and touchy subjects by either making a joke or just discussing a subject without a filter.  Avoiding subjects is to keep them in the closet.

RT - I like everyone I have ever met, and HATE everyone else.

My parent’s generation never mentioned the subject of homosexuality.  Every family had a “confirmed Bachelor Uncle” or a “spinster” Aunt.  Families did not have Gay friends or relatives.  I was twenty years old before I knew that a gay lifestyle even existed.  How’d that work out?  Pretty good if you were straight, not so good I’m guessing if you leaned in the other direction.

I know people who claim to be “Color Blind.”  “Oh I never notice if a person is white, brown, yellow or green.”  Yes you do!  It’s the first thing you notice.  When I’m at a party and a green person walks in, I notice right away!  “Look, a green person!” 

I need a filter.

When I meet a woman with a nice rack or a great butt, I will tell them.  “If you don’t mind me saying, you have a really nice ass.”  It is amazing how many women are not offended by such a comment.  However, some do not appreciate the attention.

I need a filter.

I do try and have a filter when I am around people I just met.  Here are some comments that got caught in my “Cocktail Party Filter.”

To the snotheads who put down great artwork as being “low-brow” and infantile:

“Fuck You, I love the ‘Dogs playing Poker’ and the ‘Cats with giant eyes’!

To the homeowners that are the “Good taste police”:

“I like plastic pink flamingos and mirror balls on a pedestal and I’m proud of it!”

To the “Thought patrol ass-holes” that want to protect everyone else from provocative thought or language:

“Screw you, Howard Stern is a fucking genius, and you’ve probably never heard his actual broadcast you PC moron!”

To the sports purists who make fun of anything not soccer, football, baseball, basketball, or golf:

“I like bowling thank you very much, and it is the only sport where you can drink and smoke while you participate.”

To the wine snobs of the world:

“I love the convenience of twist off caps and a box with a spigot.  Deal with it!”

To the idiot who when discussing a controversial book asked, “Do you believe EVERYTHING you read?”

“No, but I THINK about everything I read…you numbnuts!”

To anyone political:

“I may not like his politics either, but it is PRESIDENT Bush or PRESIDENT Obama.  Show some respect Dickhead!

And finally, to the TV snobs who “Only watch PBS”:

“Then you will go to your grave without gaining the infinite wisdom of JUDGE JUDY!!”   

I need a filter.