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Wednesday, January 30, 2019

MY WIFE IS TURNING ME GAY

This post is reworked from August 2013.  This is probably the third time around for this post, but it seems to be a favorite.  If you have already read it, have a nice day.  Otherwise please enjoy:
MY WIFE IS TURNING ME GAY

I married my wife on 12/11/10 (she thought even I could remember that date).  When we married I was a heterosexual.  I know I was heterosexual because I had four children through previous marriages.  Other signs which would confirm my gender preference are I am a slob, I love sports, I watch football four times a week when in season, I have no taste in clothes, and I fart a lot.
I have reason to believe my wife became Mrs. Cranky at least partly because I was a heterosexual.  She seems to enjoy the fact that I prefer the company of a woman, and yet it also seems she is turning me gay.

This process is slow and insidious.  First, she is not a neat person.  I find myself picking up and cleaning where I would never have done so before.  Gay?  She does not like make-up. She seldom wears lipstick mascara or rouge.  Yet I am still attracted.  Gay?  I know what rouge is.  Gay?

Next she slowly gets me hooked on TV shows I never before would have even paused over on the remote; “The Bachelor” and “The Bachelorette.”  I began saying things like “I wonder if Jason will choose Amy.   They have had such an awesome journey and shared such amazing times.”  Or “I hate that Robert, how can Sarah give him a rose?  He is sooo inattentive.”  Gay?

She now has me hooked on “Americas Next Top Model”, “Project Runway”, and “Say Yes to the Dress.”  The other day I caught myself saying, “That dress has too much rouging, I hate the crumb-catcher, there is no wow factor and the mermaid cut does not go with her figure.”  GAY!!

Two weeks ago she actually had me watching soccer…..WOMEN’S SOCCER.



As I sit on the toilet peeing, I worry about this transformation.  It is not that there is anything wrong with being gay; it’s just that I thought I had the whole straight thing down, and I think I am too old to change.

My last hope is football; NFL football.  I thought I was doomed years ago while it looked like a strike might end the NFL,  but it was settled.  I was saved.  

Football!  Hitting, gouging, dirt, blood, fights, pain, guys carried off the field on a stretcher. Football!   Now this week there is another Super Bowl, just the thing to keep me on the XY chromosome team.

I cannot wait for this game.  My only concern is the two team uniforms.  I think the NE silver clashes with the gold horns on the Ram's helmets.

The halftime show should be exciting, and I can't wait for the commercials!  That's not Gay is it?  

13 comments:

  1. Heh, heh! After the commercials and half time show, you can let us know.

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  2. You are probably straight and your wife is teaching you to be sensitive. Nothing wrong with that.

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  3. It seems to be a full-time job, but I guess somebody's gotta do it! Otherwise you might be unmanageable. She knows it's time for a refresher course every time she has to say, "JERK!"

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  4. Not gay at all, just a well-rounded person who sees things from both sides and helps around the house. Sitting to pee is not gay either, that's just a great way to be sure you don't leave drips on the seat or rim. Plus you don't have to raise the seat and Mrs C won't have to call you a jerk when she has to lower it.

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  5. It would be interesting to know how many hetero men watch those shows. Probably more than you think.

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  6. I don't think you're gay. I think your life has changed for the better. Just go with it. Now if you start having thoughts about the cute guy at the grocery store then you can start to question your sexuality.

    Have a fabulous day, Joe. 😎

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  7. That is funny but you are probably safe. Love that you sit to pee. I have only known a few guys that did and they were perfectly hetero, just thoughtful and liked to avoid arguments. Besides, didn't you mention that you cleaned the bathrooms? Makes sense.

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  8. In touch with your feminine side.

    God bless.

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  9. I once knew a guy who began peeing sitting down after he cleaned the bathroom floor once.

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  10. Lol, I had never seen this post, but it gave me a great laugh (which is always a good thing!).

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  11. You shouldn't worry.

    Now if you get a cat and start wearing purple shirts...

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