THE CRANKY OLD MAN
Random thoughts and stuff from a cranky old man. Humor (maybe)and satire, mostly stuff from a confused head.
I intend for this blog to be non-political. If I offer a political statement, rebuttals are permitted, however this blog is not for the unsolicited political opinions of others and as such those comments will be deleted and not published.
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Monday, January 7, 2019
MY F*CKIT LIST
MY F*CKIT LIST
As I get older, I think more and more about my bucket list – things I want to do before I move underground. I am a simple man, my list is pretty short:
1. Catch a blue marlin
2.Bowl a 300 game
3.Shoot a hole-in-one
4.Join the ½ mile high club (I am afraid of hights)
5.Ask a famous person if he would like my autograph
6.Jump in a NYC cab and yell “follow that car”
7.Go to a fancy restaurant and order a box of wine
8.Rent a Porsche and park it in my driveway on Christmas Eve with a big red bow on the hood
As much as I want to achieve these things there is also a list of stuff I have never done and plan to meet my maker without ever doing them. I call this my F*CKIT list:
1.I have never shot a gun, I aim to keep it that way.
2.I will never have a threesome (there could be some wiggle room on this one).
3.I will never jump out of a plane with or without a parachute.
4.I will never go camping (I might be convinced to spend a night in a tent if it included #2).
5.I never ate a dill pickle I intend to keep it that way.
6.I have never masturbated.
7.I have never told a lie
8.I never let the air out of Miss Gromlick’s car tire when she failed me in Trigonometry, i'm not going to start now.
9.I have never keyed someone’s car after they pissed me off by taking my parking space that I had been waiting for last Christmas Eve at the Menlo Park Mall and I never will.
10.I have never gone to an Opera and plan to keep it that way.
11.I have never sang karaoke, never will.....fuckit!
12.I have never egged Mrs. Rosenthall’s house because she wouldn’t let me cut through her back yard as a short cut to my friend’s house when I was 12, why would I start now?
These are all things that I have never ever done and vow to never ever do.