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Thursday, January 24, 2019

Cranky Guide to Being Politically correct


Cranky Guide to Being Politically correct

Warning, potentially offensive material, if it does offend, I don’t care, you were warned!

I offer this post especially for old people whom have yet to grasp the concept of politically correct speech and the importance of closed-minded thought.

I still do not understand all the nuances of the politically correct concept, but I have learned enough to stay clear of certain words or thoughts.

First and most important is not using certain words.  Some of these words are so incorrect that you cannot even use the words to explain what words you cannot use.  Instead we are only allowed to use the letter of the offending word.  This is not a complete list, but it is what I have been painfully instructed on up to now:

The “n” word.  Use of this word will have you branded in a most undesirable way, do not even think about it.  Do not even use the word that describes very cautious monetary behavior…just use cheap.

The “b” word.  Apparently, it can be used at the Westminster Dog Show, but then only very carefully.

The “c” word, even worse than the “b” word, and one that old people have never used except to say don’t use that word, instead use the “p” word.  Actually, only use the “p” word to describe a man who is not acting manly, which currently acting manly is no longer politically correct, so a man who is a “p” word may be enviable today…I’m not sure, it does get complicated.

The “T” word.  This word will get you in big trouble, unless it is used in disdain and with a scrunched up “I just ate a lemon” face.  Best to just avoid it.

If you do not know what these “n”, “b”, “c”, “p” and “T” words are or are unsure, just avoid any words that start with n, b, c, p or T.  Definitely do not watch NBC on Tv.

Climate Change:

Just avoid all conversation regarding the weather.  The Earth is getting warmer and if you question that fact, it is your fault.  I’d rather not be blamed for the destruction of our world.

Strangely enough, even though global warming is a great concern, it is incorrect to like snow.  Snow is bad and it actually makes some people angry.  Also, if it does snow, it is somehow the result of global warming and you are to blame.  Avoid saying anything nice about snow.

Teachers

Teachers are under paid, over worked and underappreciated! Just except it.  That English teacher driving the BMW on her extended summer vacation that failed you your junior year in High School because you ended a sentence a preposition with; just thank her for her service…move on!
Women (This get a little tricky)

Women can do anything a man can do and do it better, they only need to be empowered.  They are smarter and stronger, than men.  Even though at 70+ years old I could probably physically overpower 85% of any woman on the planet, that is because they need to be empowered.  Where it gets tricky is only women can use the word “empowered.”

Men (This is easy)

Men, all men, but especially white men, suck.  They are to blame for anything wrong in the world.  If you are a man, hold your head low and try to cross your legs when you sit.  Also learn to clap with the flat of your hands and act giddy.

Other

Being gay or even better, transsexual, needs to be encouraged and celebrated.  It is OK to be heterosexual, just do not flaunt it.

Sports

All sports are bad, they result in self-esteem issues.  Competition is bad and needs to be discouraged as it leads to bullying.

TV

TV is evil except for award shows where entertainers are fawned over for having a nice voice, and or are really good at pretending to be other people.  Their opinions help form many of the politically correct principals we need to respect.

PBS is acceptable along with any news show except of course if it is on FOX.

Music

All music is good, and some music can even use the “n” “b” “c” “p” words.  The exception would be any song where a man and woman engage in harmless flirting which might lead to heavy petting.  Those songs today, suggest a bullying and rape culture.  It is ok to ‘beat yo ho’, but do not suggest it is too cold outside to leave your cozy fireplace.

Food 

Meat is bad on many levels.  Fish is good unless it is farmed or it is an endangered species, so…just eat kale.

Plastic

Not yet completely politically incorrect but it will be.  A scene from “The Graduate” will probably have to be cut.

That is all I have, certainly not a complete list but enough to keep me out of trouble most of the time.  Just be very careful what you say and what you think, if it is not wrong today, it probably will be soon.  

Best to just stay at home and watch PBS.





  











18 comments:

  1. I can't figure out what the T word is, but I'm sure I never use it!!

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  2. It's hard to keep up isn't it. Yes it is, and I love watching people go ape poo when they are offended.

    Have a fabulous day, Joe. 😎

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  3. This is great, Joe. I especially like your comment about being able to overpower most women. It's true! Also true, at 50+ years of age, I'm convinced that I'm more physically fit than 75% of the population, and therefore could outrun any of them.

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  4. Like Skip, I would also say, "Bacon!", but I don't want to be called the T word. Also, I am offended by Sandee's use of "ape poo", but that's just a niggling little detail and... Oops! I will surrender myself to the proper authorities.

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  5. I am easily offended. In fact I am offended that I told you this.

    God bless.

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  6. Man, YOU are going to be on the news tonight! Sorry that I'll have to drop you from my blog list, and deny ever associating with you. You'll be wishing for the good ol' days, when you were just a JERK every now and then!

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  7. My advice? I am well aware you didn't ask for it but here it is anyway. Stay home, knit, don't ever talk aout knitting, if you have to go out do NOT make eye contact or, for heavesns sake, smile at anyone. (Don't use the word 'heaven'.)Watch whatever you like on TV but DO NOT talk about what you watch. Do Not offer advice on any subject especially if you are over 40. Never talk about age. Don't talk at all unless you are forced in to it and limit your conversation to yes or no (come to think of it weren't we advised of that very same thing many many years ago in some famous book or other?

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  8. Great list, funny on one level but sad on another.

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  9. Thanks for the advice, i'll try to remember it all, and if i don't, you can pretend you don't know me.

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  10. It took me ages to get past that Teachers paragraph, I wanted to reach in there and rap your knuckles with a ruler, teacher style, for writing "just except it" I know you MEANT to write "just 'accept' it", but then you for got to proof-read your work.
    I have no idea what the T word might be, but I can live without knowing.

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  11. “n”, “b”, “c”, “p” and “T” ...I'm completely lost.

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  12. Yeah, I've gotta admit, this PC stuff has gotten a little (?) out of hand. I never try to deliberately offend anyone, but some people seem determined to find offense where none exists. When I was Section Manager for GA, a blind gentleman thought he overheard me drop an F-bomb at a big hamfest. He berated me soundly. I did NOT drop an F-bomb. I said, "freaking." Next time I saw him, like six months later, he asked me if I was watching my manners better. Again, I assured him I hadn't said what he thought I said. He snorted and walked away. The funny thing? NOW, I occasionally DO drop a bomb... especially when shooting pool with my husband... :)

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  13. At first I thought I didn't follow the PC rules, but then remembered I avoid discussing global warming, white guys, or the plight of teachers unless I am absolutely sure the person shares my views. And although I don't swear often, when I do I make sure it's well timed. :-)

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  14. Think you might have nailed all the evil words. Guessing the T word has to do with a current leader??? The main thing is know your audience.

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  15. Funny, but I have to be mindful. One faux pas in a story that runs in the paper can get me spanked.
    Is it OK to say spanked?

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