Baby It’s Cold Outside

 Baby It’s Cold Outside

Weatherman generally annoy me with their “Wind Chill Factor” reports.  The wind chill factor can turn a 30-degree day into a scary 20 degree freezing cold.  Actually, it is still 30 degrees with just a little wind.  If you are facing the wind, the temperature feels like 20 degrees on your exposed skin.   This is clearly nowhere near the same as an actual temperature of 20 degrees.

The wind chill is really only meaningful to warn people about the chance of frostbite. 

“It is 35 degrees out there today, but with the wind, it feels like 25.”

No it doesn’t, it feels like 35 with a slight wind.  My car engine will feel like it is 35 degrees.  My body will feel like it is 35 degrees except for my bare hands, and I can put them in my pocket.  If my face feels cold, I can turn out of the wind.

But this week:

When they say the wind chill is -10 or -20 or -30 or more…STAY INDOORS, it is friggin COLD!!

Frostbite is nothing to fool with, and that kind of cold will mess you up in minutes.  Cars don’t start, pipes freeze and people die.

I’m glad Jersey is just cold, not quite dangerous cold, of course we are not as prepared for it as those extra cold weather states, but this cold can not be ignored no matter how prepared you may be.

Stay safe people, warm weather is around the corner.

MY WIFE IS TURNING ME GAY

This post is reworked from August 2013.  This is probably the third time around for this post, but it seems to be a favorite.  If you have already read it, have a nice day.  Otherwise please enjoy:

MY WIFE IS TURNING ME GAY

I married my wife on 12/11/10 (she thought even I could remember that date).  When we married I was a heterosexual.  I know I was heterosexual because I had four children through previous marriages.  Other signs which would confirm my gender preference are I am a slob, I love sports, I watch football four times a week when in season, I have no taste in clothes, and I fart a lot.

I have reason to believe my wife became Mrs. Cranky at least partly because I was a heterosexual.  She seems to enjoy the fact that I prefer the company of a woman, and yet it also seems she is turning me gay.

This process is slow and insidious.  First, she is not a neat person.  I find myself picking up and cleaning where I would never have done so before.  Gay?  She does not like make-up. She seldom wears lipstick mascara or rouge.  Yet I am still attracted.  Gay?  I know what rouge is.  Gay?

Next she slowly gets me hooked on TV shows I never before would have even paused over on the remote; “The Bachelor” and “The Bachelorette.”  I began saying things like “I wonder if Jason will choose Amy.   They have had such an awesome journey and shared such amazing times.”  Or “I hate that Robert, how can Sarah give him a rose?  He is sooo inattentive.”  Gay?

She now has me hooked on “Americas Next Top Model”, “Project Runway”, and “Say Yes to the Dress.”  The other day I caught myself saying, “That dress has too much rouging, I hate the crumb-catcher, there is no wow factor and the mermaid cut does not go with her figure.”  GAY!!

Two weeks ago she actually had me watching soccer…..WOMEN’S SOCCER.

As I sit on the toilet peeing, I worry about this transformation.  It is not that there is anything wrong with being gay; it’s just that I thought I had the whole straight thing down, and I think I am too old to change.

My last hope is football; NFL football.  I thought I was doomed years ago while it looked like a strike might end the NFL,  but it was settled.  I was saved.  

Football!  Hitting, gouging, dirt, blood, fights, pain, guys carried off the field on a stretcher. Football!   Now this week there is another Super Bowl, just the thing to keep me on the XY chromosome team.

I cannot wait for this game.  My only concern is the two team uniforms.  I think the NE silver clashes with the gold horns on the Ram's helmets.

The halftime show should be exciting, and I can't wait for the commercials!  That's not Gay is it?  

RIP Perfectly Good Words

RIP Perfectly Good Words

I want to blow my top...literally!

I am constantly annoyed by the changing vocabulary of our times.  Perfectly good words have been replaced by words that lose their power.  Simple phrases change and their meaning is distorted.  It is painful, but I am learning to get over it, life moves on, a word is just a word, still it is my prerogative as an old person to dislike any change.

I like nice things.  I like things that are even nicer than others.  We used to say they were VERY nice.  For instance, the other night we went to a restaurant that was very nice.  Nothing today is very nice, very has been replaced with SUPER.  Nothing is VERY nice any more, it is SUPER nice.  SUPER which used to mean extra VERY, now simply means VERY.  In the process, VERY has been dumped, and SUPER has been stripped of its power.

At this SUPER nice restaurant, our waitress was SUPER helpful except for one thing I found SUPER annoying.  When ever I said “Thank you” for her SUPER helpfulness, she told me, “No problem.”

What happened to “You're welcome”?  “You're welcome” meant that the person was “happy to help”, “glad to be of service”, “My pleasure”. 

“No problem” means it is not a problem.

WTF? If I thought it was a problem, I would not have asked…what am I an animal?  When I asked, “May I have more water please?”  Not for one second did I think that would be a problem, it is your job, why would, your job be a problem? I said “please” because I don’t want to treat you like a non-person.  “No problem” indicates if getting me the water was an inconvenience, then I could just go scratch.

GOL DAMMIT, stop with the “NO PROBLEM” and just let me know “I’M WELCOME!”.

I might need some meds! Still it is SUPER simple. 

If people would just go back to “You're welcome” it would be great.  That’s right “GREAT”, not “AWESOME.” Awesome used to mean “really extra super great”, but thanks to pea brain people today, AWESOME has lost its power.  We have no words that mean awesome. 

The AWESOME Grand Canyon is now compared to an awesome pizza you had the other night.

When did a fun time become “EPIC”?  EPIC used to be a great word reserved for events which “LITERALLY” only happened on SUPER rare occasions.  Crap, I can’t explain what EPIC used to mean, because “LITERALLY” which used to mean “Exactly without exaggeration” now means “FIGURATIVELY” or “Not actually, but you get the picture…a lot”. 

Then there is “ACTAULLY” which used to mean… “It really happened” but now is used for no friggin reason what-so-ever.

“Did you have breakfasted this morning?” “Yes, ACTUALLY I did.”

WTF! Just say YES!

Why does the response to every question today start with “SO”?  Does this only bother me?

“How much is ten times ten?”

“So, ten times ten equals 100.” Even worse, “So, ten times ten ACTUALLY equals 100.”

“It makes me so angry, I actually blow my top.”  Well actually I figuratively blow my top, on account of even after I am no longer angry, I still have my top, but I shouldn’t have to say figuratively because clearly, I still have my top.

Hell, I can’t even go on anymore, it is literally bothering me, well it is actually bothering me…shit, this is SUPER confusing.

 SO, I’m done.

WHAT WOMEN WANT

WHAT WOMEN WANT

Last week in “P-Whipped” http://joeh-crankyoldman.blogspot.com/2012/01/p-whipped.html I posted the three things men need in order to be happy (Food, shelter, and getting laid on a regular basis).  As a cranky old man, I think I qualify to be an expert on that topic.  This week I am stepping out well beyond my expertise and I am posting on what women want.  Before any women get their panties in a bunch about my unmitigated gall, this post is on what men THINK women want. 

Let me repeat that: This post is on what this stupid old man men THINKS women want. 

These “What Women Wants” are in no particular order.

Women want NOT to be told “Don’t get your panties in a bunch.”  

Women want to be thin.  Every woman I have ever known wanted to lose at least five pounds.  They want to be thin for gay men and other women. Most men are perfectly happy with the extra five pounds on their women.  Why women want to please or impress gay men and other women is a mystery to me.

Women want children.  This is genetic and defies logic; it is a necessary instinct to assure survival of our species.  After childbirth many women have no idea what drove them to having a child.  They complain about how much work a child is, and twelve months later they start to think that one more would be a great idea.

Women, especially women with children want eight hours of sleep a night, they will settle for six.  They are lucky to get four.

Women want someone to take out the garbage.  Women will wash, clean, cook, and change diapers.  Women will even mow lawns and do yard work.  Some women will repair stuff and do carpentry.  No woman will take out the garbage.  I don’t know why.  It is way easier than most other tasks they will do; for some reason women draw the line on taking out the garbage.

Women want a warm set of feet in bed at night.  Once again, I don’t know why, but a hot water bottle will not do, they want a pair of warm feet.

Women want women friends and the time to get together with them.  They do not like their man to get together with other guys, but they have to have their girl’s night out.

Women want anyone to watch over their children from time to time (see women want eight hours of sleep).

Women want someone to listen to them.  They have their women friends; they also want their guy to listen to them.  It is hard for a guy to listen to anything women related for over seven minutes, it is the one thing we learn to fake.  When listening, NEVER NEVER tell a woman how she should feel!

Women want sex on a regular basis. (Interpretation of “regular basis” is often a subject of dispute between men and women.)   

Women want to shop.  Men hunt.  Shopping is the new gathering.

Women want shoes.  Women want shoes to match their every outfit; then they want more shoes.  When women have all the shoes they could possibly want, they want more shoes.

Every once and a while, women want a man to say thank you. 

Re-run from January 2014

STUPID HEADLINES 012719

STUPID HEADLINES 012719

This weeks stupid headlines and my stupider sometimes sophomoric comments

__________________________________

Vatican track team runs first race – They did not do very well…they claim the  robes and funny hats slowed them down.

Man accidentally plays porn through speakers at girlfriend's sister's wedding – Oops!

Wisconsin man chops up belongings with ax after he thought wife damaged his action figures – Fortunately the wife who did not damage his precious action figures was not around.  The man may have anger issues.

Group of women attack food court employees at mall after card is declined – Because if you don’t pay your bills, someone gotta get beat up!

Florida police run over couple lying in the road to watch lunar eclipse – Florida, the state that just keeps giving to “Stupid Headlines.”

Oscar Mayer accepting applications for Wienermobile drivers – Experienced Wienermobile drivers only need apply.

Here's why Queen Elizabeth doesn’t need a driver’s license – BECAUSE SHE IS THE QUEEN!!

BuzzFeed announces plans to lay off 15 percent of staff- This could be fake news.

Patriots say mascot wasn't actually hospitalized after tackle by New York Jets' Jamal Adams – You can’t even trust the Patriot’s mascot!  I don’t know what his plan is, but somehow Belichick is behind this.

Alex Trebek opens up about his longtime marriage: ’29 years is pretty good’ – Oh no! It’s “What is 29 years is pretty good.”

Thieves in Chicago are targeting Canada Goose coats as temperatures plunge in city - Let those geese shiver, they should have stayed in Canada!

FEEL-GOOD news story of the week:

Baby gets first hearing aids, giggles uncontrollably at sound of big sister's voice – Unless you are “The Devil” this will make you smile.

https://www.cbsnews.com/news/baby-hears-for-first-time-gets-first-hearing-aids-giggles-uncontrollably-at-sound-of-big-sisters-voice/

I Don’t Believe It!

I Don’t Believe It!

Years ago, I was recording my 85 YO mom playing soccer with my children.  She was showing signs of dementia, but still able to get around on her own.  She had seen camcorders, but with the onset of dementia she thought I was “filming.”

I had her look into the camcorder viewer.

“Look ma, this is you playing soccer with your grandchildren.”

She took a quick look and then pulled away.

“I don’t believe it, we were just playing a few minutes ago.”

“It’s on tape, it doesn’t need developing.”

She waved her hand at me and said,

“Oh, I don’t believe it, it’s a trick.”

She didn’t even want to see any more of the ‘trick.’

New technologies are amazing.  Some are so amazing that like my mom, when I first heard of them, I didn’t believe it.

Radio and TV were around when I was growing up, so those amazing things just seemed like old hat, but they must have elicited an “I don’t believe it” from just about everyone when they first came on the scene.

Color TV was great, but it seemed like an obvious next step in TV and was not ‘unbelievable.’

I thought someone was pulling my leg the first time I heard of a FAX machine.  The idea did not seem real. 

Computers, as amazing as they are kind of slipped in with gradual improvements so nothing about them really surprised me.  Well, the internet was a bit hard to accept, but it was so slow and crappy in the beginning that it also snuck up in phases.

My first experience with GPS was a real “I don’t believe it” moment.

My brother had a sailboat and we were sailing in the Chesapeake Bay.  Jim was a navigator in the Navy Air, so he was pretty good at plotting a course.  I tended to steer following contours of the shore, which from a distance could be confusing.

Jim was showing off his GPS navigation system which utilized signals from satellites.

“See this, if you look off to the port, we are coming up to the number 6 green buoy.”

“Damn, that is cool!  It has the marker accurate within only a few yards.”

“Yes…actually they could be accurate within less than an inch, but the government won’t allow it, they are afraid of precision guided bombs and such.”

“Inches?  I don’t believe you.”

Not many year later the government removed those accuracy restrictions and my car GPS tells me when to “Turn left at the next street, Smith Street.” 

The GPS is so accurate that I’ve heard someday a car will drive itself to where ever you program it to go.

Personally, ‘I don’t believe it! It must be some kind of trick.’

  

Cranky Guide to Being Politically correct

Cranky Guide to Being Politically correct

Warning, potentially offensive material, if it does offend, I don’t care, you were warned!

I offer this post especially for old people whom have yet to grasp the concept of politically correct speech and the importance of closed-minded thought.

I still do not understand all the nuances of the politically correct concept, but I have learned enough to stay clear of certain words or thoughts.

First and most important is not using certain words.  Some of these words are so incorrect that you cannot even use the words to explain what words you cannot use.  Instead we are only allowed to use the letter of the offending word.  This is not a complete list, but it is what I have been painfully instructed on up to now:

The “n” word.  Use of this word will have you branded in a most undesirable way, do not even think about it.  Do not even use the word that describes very cautious monetary behavior…just use cheap.

The “b” word.  Apparently, it can be used at the Westminster Dog Show, but then only very carefully.

The “c” word, even worse than the “b” word, and one that old people have never used except to say don’t use that word, instead use the “p” word.  Actually, only use the “p” word to describe a man who is not acting manly, which currently acting manly is no longer politically correct, so a man who is a “p” word may be enviable today…I’m not sure, it does get complicated.

The “T” word.  This word will get you in big trouble, unless it is used in disdain and with a scrunched up “I just ate a lemon” face.  Best to just avoid it.

If you do not know what these “n”, “b”, “c”, “p” and “T” words are or are unsure, just avoid any words that start with n, b, c, p or T.  Definitely do not watch NBC on Tv.

Climate Change:

Just avoid all conversation regarding the weather.  The Earth is getting warmer and if you question that fact, it is your fault.  I’d rather not be blamed for the destruction of our world.

Strangely enough, even though global warming is a great concern, it is incorrect to like snow.  Snow is bad and it actually makes some people angry.  Also, if it does snow, it is somehow the result of global warming and you are to blame.  Avoid saying anything nice about snow.

Teachers

Teachers are under paid, over worked and underappreciated! Just except it.  That English teacher driving the BMW on her extended summer vacation that failed you your junior year in High School because you ended a sentence a preposition with; just thank her for her service…move on!

Women (This get a little tricky)

Women can do anything a man can do and do it better, they only need to be empowered.  They are smarter and stronger, than men.  Even though at 70+ years old I could probably physically overpower 85% of any woman on the planet, that is because they need to be empowered.  Where it gets tricky is only women can use the word “empowered.”

Men (This is easy)

Men, all men, but especially white men, suck.  They are to blame for anything wrong in the world.  If you are a man, hold your head low and try to cross your legs when you sit.  Also learn to clap with the flat of your hands and act giddy.

Other

Being gay or even better, transsexual, needs to be encouraged and celebrated.  It is OK to be heterosexual, just do not flaunt it.

Sports

All sports are bad, they result in self-esteem issues.  Competition is bad and needs to be discouraged as it leads to bullying.

TV

TV is evil except for award shows where entertainers are fawned over for having a nice voice, and or are really good at pretending to be other people.  Their opinions help form many of the politically correct principals we need to respect.

PBS is acceptable along with any news show except of course if it is on FOX.

Music

All music is good, and some music can even use the “n” “b” “c” “p” words.  The exception would be any song where a man and woman engage in harmless flirting which might lead to heavy petting.  Those songs today, suggest a bullying and rape culture.  It is ok to ‘beat yo ho’, but do not suggest it is too cold outside to leave your cozy fireplace.

Food 

Meat is bad on many levels.  Fish is good unless it is farmed or it is an endangered species, so…just eat kale.

Plastic

Not yet completely politically incorrect but it will be.  A scene from “The Graduate” will probably have to be cut.

That is all I have, certainly not a complete list but enough to keep me out of trouble most of the time.  Just be very careful what you say and what you think, if it is not wrong today, it probably will be soon.  

Best to just stay at home and watch PBS.

  

Stuta Jeet

Stuta Jeet

I may have mentioned in previous posts that Mrs. C is half Italian, half Irish.  It is, I must say, a very nice combination of cultures and genetics.

You might think based on ethnic reputations that Mrs. C would be quick to anger and perhaps a heavy drinker.  In fact she exhibits none of the stereotypes her heritage might suggest. 

She is not one to get into any altercations, she does not drink except for an occasional Kahlua and milk, which she usually does not even finish.  She does make great lasagna.

Anyway.

In the car, my mild mannered Mrs. C turns Italian.  She talks with her hands, and curses at virtually every driver on the road.  This ‘Italian in the car’ was never more clearly indicated to me than just the other day.

We were driving home from dinner and in between hearing that there were a lot of assholes on the road, many of whom were apparently sexually active assholes, I may have been my usual gabby self. 

At home when I can not stop flapping my gums, Mrs. C may offer a gentle request to stop talking.  She may even be so rude as to tell me to shut up, and I might even be called a jerk, but always in English. This day, in the car, Mrs. C turned to me one hand in the air and told me, “Stuta Jeet!”

“Stuta Jeet” means “Shut up!” in Italian.  Actually it is Stai zitto (Yeah, I Googled it). I think NY/NJ Italians have their own dialect.  She never tells me to shut up in Italian except when she is in the car.  Driving brings out her Italian attitude.

It is a little scary when she gets in the car and her Italian side comes out.

It’s also a bit of a turn on!

ADJUSTING TO MARRIAGE

ADJUSTING TO MARRIAGE

Mrs. Cranky and I married in December 2010.  12-11-10. Mrs. Cranky is a numbers nut. The resort where we honeymooned put a sash over our door saying “Honeymooners.” When we returned home we put the sash over our bedroom door.  It has been there ever since.  It may be coming down soon because it seems I cannot adjust.

I have no problem adjusting to married life.  I am quite happy.  Mrs. Cranky is unhappy because I cannot adjust. 

When I cook a steak I let it rest so the juice does not run out.  Mrs. Cranky wants her steak sizzling hot.

I cannot adjust.

When I drive her car from time to time because mine is blocked in, apparently I never get the seat back to the “Mrs. Cranky position.”

I cannot adjust.

When I shower and change the flow pattern on the shower head Mrs. Cranky claims I never return it to the “Mrs. Cranky spray position.”

I cannot adjust.

Mrs. Cranky complains that I shower with the door closed and this fogs up the mirrors. Recently Mrs. C called me into the bathroom to hand her something while she was showering.  When I left, I did not close the door.  Apparently this was a major faux pas as she was trying to steam wrinkles out of a dress.

I cannot adjust.

While getting my wrist slapped over this latest error, I threatened to remove the sash. 

I am not allowed to drive her car.  I am not allowed to change the shower head spray.  Mrs. Cranky has to let the steak rest and if I see a dress hanging in the bathroom while she is in the shower, I have to “figure it the Hell out!”

We are both trying to adjust.

The sash is still on the door.   

re-run from 2011...yeah, the sash is still on the door.  

STUPID HEADLINES 012018

STUPID HEADLINES 012018

This weeks stupid headlines and my stupider sometimes sophomoric comments.

_________________________________

Walmart bans woman who rode cart while drinking wine from Pringles can - Banned from Walmart?  Who knew they had any standards; I guess they draw the line on wine in a Pringles can?

Panties, bras fly from car during nearly 100 mph chase in Indiana – It is a well-known fact that most bras and panties can not stay on a car at speeds of 75 mph or higher.

An American president actually had to deny he is a foreign agent – Well someone asked him so I guess he had to deny it.  I suppose if he was asked if he ever sang “Hello Dolly” in drag he would deny that as well.

Americans more likely to die from opioid overdose than in a car accident – Unless you drive a lot, and your odds do change dramatically if YOU DON’T TAKE OPIOIDS!!

Meghan Markle breaks royal protocol with dark pedicure and no tights – “I say, that is outrageous! I also understand that Harry was not wearing a powdered wig!”

Texas drug suspects called cops after somebody stole their weed – Two less geniuses for the Mexican cartel to worry about.

Man caught on camera putting bundle of marijuana in wrong mailbox – Clearly marijuana makes you stupid!

Pennsylvania police department seeking volunteers who can drink to inebriation – Finally, something that I am highly qualified for!

Nebraska college student builds 84 snowmen in one night – His parents must be sooo proud!

Hilton dishwasher awarded $21.5 million for having to work Sundays – Dang, I worked Monday thru Friday for 40 years and didn’t make anything near that much!

The Number 1 Who Gives A Crap story of the week:

Even With Rappers Set To Perform, Super Bowl's Halftime Show Remains Tone-Deaf – Here’s an idea, MARCHING BANDS!!

FEEL-GOOD STORY OF THEWEEK:

Kentucky driver seemingly tries to destroy snowman, surprised when they hit tree stump – I think I love an asshole meeting karma even more than a good dog story.

https://www.foxnews.com/us/kentucky-driver-seemingly-tries-to-destroy-snowman-surprised-when-they-hit-tree-stump