Stupid Headlines 123117

Stupid Headlines 123117

It’s time again for

Apparently there is a law against waving your arms and going woooooooh in a cemetary

STUPID HEADLINE SUNDAY

 This week’s stupid headlines and my stupider, sometimes sophomoric comments.

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Daring gang caught stealing from mail trucks traveling at 50 mph – That is so ballsy, I almost feel they deserve to get away.

Restaurant's giant aquarium cracks, gushes water into dining room – Today’s special…SUSHI.

Florida man arrested after punching ATM for 'giving him too much money' – Florida, the stupid headline gift that just keeps giving.

Fruitcake wrapped in suspicious package temporarily halts Seattle ferry – I love fruitcake, but you can’t be too careful with it. 

http://joeh-crankyoldman.blogspot.com/2017/12/airport-security-stopped-fruitcake.html 

Future train station at Western Wall could be named after Trump – And it will be Yuuuge, believe me.

Jodie Foster: ‘Every man over 30’ should think 'about their part' in sexual harassment – Hmmm…well Jodie I have thought about it and know what? I’m good; and I’ll bet there are others as well, maybe not many, but there are a few. Unless…does casual ogling count?

Video shows Joy Villa smacking a man on the bottom after filing lawsuit against Corey Lewandowski – I may be sexist, but if it is Corey Lewandowski it is harassment, while Joy Villa can smack my butt any time.

Arrested Connecticut woman snorts cocaine at police station – In her defense, where was she going to hide it?

Indiana lawmaker wants Indianapolis Colts to refund upset fans if players kneel during anthem – So, some snowflakes can be conservative.

'Wheel of Fortune' fans enraged after contestant buys pointless vowel – She probably could have saved $250, but “ENRAGED”? Get a life people, it’s a GAME show!

D.C. restaurant changes dress code after being accused of 'racism' – The restaurant did not allow sneakers...unless you were white...OK, that might be racist.

FEEL-GOOD STORY OF THE WEEK:

Oregon man drives truck off pier in failed getaway attempt – No loyal dog saves man this week, but this one gives me a warm glow.

http://www.foxnews.com/us/2017/12/28/oregon-man-drives-truck-off-pier-in-failed-getaway-attempt.html

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Come back again next week for more

STUPID HEADLINE SUNDAY

I almost forgot…Happy New Year!!

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year!

What, you ask, does a cranky old man do on New Years Eve?  You didn’t ask?  Well I’ve got nothing else to post about, so I will tell you anyway.

This cranky old man does exactly what he did on most New Year’s Eves as a cranky young man.  Zippity Doo Da!

Mrs. Cranky and I will have Chinese take-out and watch football and assorted junk on TV.  We will watch the ball drop, say Whoop-Te-Do, kiss, and then change the channel from “Rocking New Years Eve” to the “Ladies Killing Husbands” station on our channel 171.

I don’t hate NYE, I hate the idea that NYE is supposed to be a big party and the most fun night of the year. 

You cannot force fun.

Back in the days when I generally drank myself into a controlled stupor every night, I considered NYE as amateur night.  Parties would be filled with idiots who felt they had to get plastered this one night of the year.

I hate once a-year-drunks.  People who haven’t been bombed often enough to know that they are not entertaining, funny or cute.  They repeat themselves, sweat, mumble, giggle and are very annoying.  They sing, dance and grab you to have you dance with them.  They are just obnoxious. 

NYE parties are so loud you cannot hear yourself think, and everyone expects to have the best time of their life.  I never once enjoyed a big NYE party.  If I am expected to have a good time, I seldom do.

I guess I have never liked any big noisy crowds.  If I had to celebrate, I would probably enjoy a quiet bar with quiet drunks who know how to control their inebriation.  Watch TV, have a drink, explain how corporations are controlling the world, have a drink, explain how big Pharm could eradicate all diseases except there is no money in that, have a drink, bitch about the Giants offensive line, have a drink, count down from 10 to “Happy New Year”, call a cab and go home.

Well Mrs. C has maybe three Kahlua and milk drinks a year, so it will be stay at home again for me, and that is just fine.  It is just another night, no special reason to have fun and make noise.

Life is good at the Cranky home every night.

COMPLIMENTS – A Facebook Observation

COMPLIMENTS – A Facebook Observation

Facebook is great for keeping up with friends.  It is great for funny cat videos.  It is not so great when it comes to solving problems in the country, it is a bit divisive but that is not my latest Facebook observation.

This observation is about the different way men and women will make comments.

Periodically people will change their profile picture on Facebook.  I have noticed that women will never say anything mean about one of these pictures.  Well not outwardly mean anyway, I suspect there is a secret lady code to these “Compliments.”

Woman to woman:

“You look as beautiful as ever.”  “You haven’t aged a bit.”  “Lovely picture.”

All of these mean “Girl, you ugly!”

“Beautiful!” “Sexy.” “Very Pretty.”

All of these mean “You look almost as good as I do.”

A Guys comments are a little different.

Man to woman:

“Damn girl!” “Woot, woo!” “Wow, very hot!”

All of these mean just what they say when they come from a dude.  Guys will compliment a lady or will not comment at all; and by compliment, I mean borderline sexual harassment.

Women are more less evasive on a man’s new profile

Woman to man:

“Handsome.”  “Very distinguished looking.”

These mean “You are handsome, or You are looking very distinguished.”

“Long time no see.” Or “How have you been.”

These mean “Damn, what happened to you? you ugly!”

Men will almost NEVER say anything nice about a guy’s profile picture:

Man to man:

“Dude, you need to hit the gym.” “Damn, get in shape.”

This generally means “Dude you look jacked up!”

“Dang are you an ugly dude!”

This means “You’re looking good…for a guy.”

“Man are you fat!”

This means “You are fat.”

“You are very handsome and in very good shape.”

This means “I am very gay.”

I know some of you will tell me that that is why you are not on Facebook.  Good point, but you are missing some really funny cat videos.

Deny, Deny, Deny

Deny, Deny, Deny

There was a funny bit on that ancient TV show “Guide for the Married Man” called Deny, Deny, Deny.  The premise was if you are caught doing something wrong, simply deny it convincingly enough and your accuser will think he/she must be mistaken.

In the skit, a husband is caught in bed cheating on his wife.  As she is asking what is going on, the man casually gets dressed and to every accusation his  wife makes he simply says “What?" Or "Why?” The woman dresses and leaves, the husband acts as if nothing happened and the wife eventually believes she imagined the whole thing.

Deny, Deny, Deny!

Mrs. C just mumbled a name at me (Ass) and I asked her "WHAT?"  She attempted to deny calling me an ass under her breath.  Cranky is not that gullible…anymore.

Years ago, I was dating a young lady who on one particular night told me she was busy.  I accepted that and went to hang out with my old high school friend Charley.

When driving to Charley’s, I passed my girlfriend chatting with another guy.  WTF!! I turned around, and she saw me.  She left in her VW and drove home.  I followed her to her house and watched her go inside.  I was seething, but decided not to challenge her at that moment.

The next day I asked,

“Why were you were talking to some guy last night and I thought you were busy?”

“What?”

“Last night, I saw you talking to someone and when you saw me you left, I followed you home.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Last night, I saw you.”

“Are you crazy?  I was home all night.”

“But I saw you, you were talking to some guy and you left before I could stop and see what was going on.”

“Look, I don’t know what you are talking about, but if you go around following every girl in a VW you are going to get in trouble.”

That was it, I just figured I was crazy and dropped the subject before she got angry with me.  Years later I learned of a high school Spanish teacher who had a penchant for young girls.  My girl friend was taking Spanish III at the time.  I’m pretty sure she was seeing this teacher, and there was probably some monkey business going on.

That or I just imagined the whole thing…I have never been sure.

Deny, Deny, Deny : Joey Bishop and Imagene Coco:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yN2gU0XU5FU

A Christmas Toy

A Christmas Toy

As a child, there was always that one gift that was wished for on Christmas.  The first really big one for me was a bike and I got that at age seven.  Funny that was such a big deal, it represented the start of childhood freedom.  When my own children got a bike, it was sort of ho hum.  I think it was because those old bikes were proportionately much more expensive then today so it was a bigger deal, and also when we were children the bike meant we could go places, friends around the block or the candy store blocks away.  My children were restricted to the driveway and the cul-de-sac down the road.

The gift I wanted that I never got was a bowling ball.  I got one eventually, but not as a Christmas surprise.  I think my hinting skills were lacking.

These days, Christmas is not as exciting for me.  There are no little children running around to stir up excitement, and there are no presents that I desire and hold my breath in anticipation and hope.  There are plenty of things I  may want, but nothing I can’t just get myself, or are just out of range for me and anyone who may give me a present.

I get underwear and socks, because those things I do not just buy for myself, and cigars and golf balls because you can never have too many cigars or golf balls.

This year, however, in addition to underwear, socks, cigars, and golf balls, Mrs. C got me a great toy.  Something I’ve wanted for a while, but never requested.  Something I could have purchased myself, but just never did.

It is an amplifier for my guitar.  It is not an expensive amp, I have no need for a professional set up, but it is a fun toy.  I can play with various settings and produce different sounds and effects.  I thought an amp would amplify my playing mistakes, but it actually covers them up a bit.

I don’t need it to be loud, I think townhouse neighbors would complain, but I do like to play with the different effects so I bought myself some headphones to solve that problem.  I have a very nice acoustic guitar, an acoustic with a pickup, a hollow body electric guitar and a solid body electric guitar.   The last two I picked up as wall decorations, but with the amp, it is now like having three new guitars to play with.

It won’t get me to the candy store, or help me break 200, but I am loving my new toy.

I hope Santa was as kind to everyone.

Christmas Past Memory

Christmas Past Memory best forgotten

Jimmy of “Jimmys opinion” @ http://jimsop.blogspot.com/  post on his Christmas’s of past years, jogged this memory.

My first home as a young father did not have a fireplace.  Growing up we always had a fireplace, and on Christmas we always had stockings hung on the mantle.  I wanted to preserve this tradition for my children.

These days you can purchase a fake fireplace and mantle for a few hundred dollars.  I don’t think that was an option in the 70’s, but no matter, no way could I have afforded a few hundred dollars those days, even in 1970’s dollars.

I decided to build my own fake fireplace.  I wish I had a picture, it was pitiful.  Being left-handed (that is my excuse and I’m sticking with it) I have never been any good at carpentry.  This fake fireplace probably consisted of five pieces of wood, all carefully measured once and cut twice to create a wobbly crappy fake fireplace when joined with glue and nails.  To complete the illusion, I covered the structure with a brick pattern crepe paper.

I pulled this piece of crap out from a filthy crawl space storage area every Christmas for several years.  To my former perfectionist wife’s credit, I don’t believe she ever complained or made fun of it.  The children, I am sure, did not know any better, to them it must have just been a Christmas tradition for all families to hang stockings on a piece of crap that almost resembled a fireplace.

Eventually we were able to afford a real fireplace with a real mantle and I threw out the piece of crap fake thing.  I have since lived in three different homes, and it is a requirement that any home have a genuine fireplace and mantle.

This is as close as I could find to the fireplace.  THis is what it was supposed to look like, sadly mine was not as good.

Merry Christmas everybody!!

STUPID HEADLINES 122417

STUPID HEADLINES 122417

It’s time again for

Oh those sneaky unscrupulous Chinese! 

STUPID HEADLINE SUNDAY

 This week’s stupid headlines and my stupider, sometimes sophomoric comments.

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Surgeon admits to burning initials into patients' livers during operations – Surgeon, John Jacob Jingle Heimer Smidt, initially denied the initials JJJHS were his.

An airline lounge denied this woman access because she was wearing Uggs – I was denied because they told me I was Ugg!

Abominable Snowman arrested in Oregon for drunk driving – Or was the arresting officer the one who had a few too many?

Tennessee woman gives birth to baby who was frozen as embryo for 24 years – Newborn is eligible to vote, drink and drive before she can crawl.

Indiana hotel reportedly charges woman $350 for bad review – I wouldn’t pay a hotel anything for a good review, never mind a bad review!

Rosie O'Donnell Offers $2 Million to GOP Senators to Vote Against Tax Bill – I wonder how many laws this breaks that will never be charged…campaign finance? Bribing a public official? Anyone…Bueller…Bueller.

Caif. city declares war on 'racist' trees – White Birch privilege?

American Airlines flight diverts to Denver after bathrooms get clogged – Talk about your crappy flights!

Sea turtle found entangled in cocaine bales worth $53M – I love sea turtles as much as the next person, but $53 million?  I don’t think so.

MLB legend Darryl Strawberry reveals he had sex during Mets games – Now batting, number 18 Darryl Strawberry…Darryl Strawberry…Strawberry…number 18…ah…has anyone seen Strawberry?

UC Berkeley regent asked actress if he could hold her breasts – At least he asked for permission!

FEEL-GOOD STORY OF THE WEEK:

Toddler interrupts wrestling match to 'save' older sister – This is classic…love it.

http://www.foxnews.com/lifestyle/2017/12/13/toddler-interrupts-wrestling-match-to-save-older-sister.html

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Come back again next week for more

STUPID HEADLINE SUNDAY

I almost forgot…MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

Christmas

Christmas

A re-run from last year

I consider myself a Christian.  I was born a Christian, I was sent to Sunday school and church as a child, what would you expect me to do or be?  Convert to Judaism?  Become Muslim? Believe in nothing?  All possibilities, but I am too lazy to switch beliefs and not prepared to believe in nothing, so I call myself a Christian.  I seldom go to church, and to tell the truth I have my doubts.  Many Christians would say because of that I am not a very good Christian.  I would respond, “How Christian is it for you to judge me?”

Anyway, if I could make one argument for being Christian, it would be Christmas. Christmas is the greatest holiday of all.  Easter has more significance in the religion, but nothing tops Christmas.  Christmas is the reason many Christians remain Christian.  It is one thing to give up some beliefs, but give up Christmas?  NEVER!

Christmas is a great holiday.  It is not a day, it is a season.  Atheists may try and stifle Christmas, but it will never happen.  We have lights, we have presents, we have a Saint who flies in a sleigh pulled by reindeer.  Who can top that.  We have music that lifts you and just makes you feel good. 

Christmas is so big it is should be more than just for Christians.  Christians invite everyone to enjoy this the greatest holiday of all.  You don’t have to call it a celebration of the birth of Christ, just call it a celebration of life itself (to Christians, kind of the same thing.) 

Give presents, hang lights, sing, celebrate!  Wish strangers “Merry Christmas!”  It’s OK. Christmas is more than a religious holiday for Christians, it is a season of cheer and friendship and love for everyone.  It transcends any religion.  It is a season for sharing, and should be shared by all regardless of your belief.

So, if you are a Jew, a Muslim, Hindi, agnostic, or you believe in nothingness…you can still get in the spirit of Christmas.  Yes, it is a Christian day, but Christians believe in sharing, and we are more than willing to share Christmas.

Merry Christmas to all!

Airport Security Stopped a Fruitcake Bomber

Airport Security Stopped a Fruitcake Bomber

Every now and then I see an article where someone tested airport security and was able to sneak weapons or suspicious packages past airport security.  Mrs. C and I have recently tested security and thankfully they passed.

Last week Mrs. C forgot and had a bottle of water in her carryon.  She was snagged and the water taken away.  I thought her indiscretion might get us off the priority check, fortunately it did not.

That priority check thing is great, not having to take off shoes, belt or pull out computers makes the process so much easier. 

One thing I don’t understand about the security check.

Everyone moves along the line to the check very nicely and respectfully, then when they reach the x-ray check machine it becomes a race to fill the crates and rush through the people check machine.  On the other end people push and shove reaching in front of you for their bags and jackets and stuff.  Elbows are thrown and there is much mumbling and bitching.

RELAX everyone, you will get your luggage and possessions back.  They are not going anywhere!

Anyway, back to the security test.

Coming home last weekend from a NC visit to my Sister-in-law and my daughter, SIL and three NC grandchildren, we were sure we had nothing to trip up the x-ray checking machine.

We were wrong.

What the heck, there was nothing in our bag that is illegal, but our bag got pulled out of the line anyway.

What sounded the alarm to pull our bag?

Fruitcake.

My daughter gave me a fruitcake and it was shaped kind of like a rectangular log.  It looked explosively suspicious to the x-ray machine.  TSA let it go once it was confirmed as a harmless fruitcake.

Some people get outraged when stopped for something harmless.  I find it comforting that anything that looks unusual is checked.

Keep up the good work TSA.

And everyone, remember to declare your fruitcake.

I MAY BE REMOTELY INCOMPETENT

I MAY BE REMOTELY INCOMPETENT

Mrs. C and I watch TV in bed.  Sometimes we don’t really watch it, but it is background noise while we are on our computers…ok, we watch it and are on our computers.

Anyway

It has gotten to the point where we cannot fall asleep without that background noise.  No problem, the TV has a sleep timer function designed for just such TV wack-a-doodles as we are.  The responsibility for setting this control is on Mrs. C.  I have learned and have actually set the controls myself and it is quite simple, but it is Mrs.  C’s job.

Last night, Mrs. C crashed early.  When the time came to turn in myself and let the TV drone lull me to sleep, it was up to me to set the sleep timer.  Easy enough, except there are two remotes which must be set.  The cable remote, and the TV remote.

Yes, I know you can set either one to be a universal remote, except for the sleep timer…well we don’t know how to do that, so the only thing we don’t do with a universal remote is set the sleep timer on the TV and the cable box. 

It is still easy enough except the TV remote is all black with space age controls which are difficult to feel.  In the dark you need to be very familiar with this remote, and it must be done in the dark or else Mrs. C will wake up.

Any light, and the sensitive sleeping Mrs. C is up and awake.  If I failed to set this timer, Mrs. C would know and I would hear about my incompetency for days.

I set the cable to turn off in 60 minutes, and then fumbled with the TV remote.  I changed the channel, changed the picture size, and probably bought a new electric mop over the internet, but I could not figure out the sleep timer.

I gave up and figured I could just say I forgot and only take teasing for a day or so, but then I noticed I had turned on the “caption” function where all dialog was printed across the screen…really annoying and it would ruin my “I forgot” excuse. 

I tinkered around for 10 minutes and finally found the caption control, but…it did nothing.  It took me another 10 minutes before I realized the caption control that was on was from the cable remote.  Now wide awake I found a flash light to help set the TV remote sleep control and in only a few minutes was successful and miraculously enough with all my fussing and muttering did not wake up Mrs. C.

This morning Mrs. C said to me,

“You forgot to set the sleep control, you don’t know how do you?”

“WHAT! I set them both.”

“Then why was the TV on at 5 o’clock this morning?”

CRAP! I am remotely incompetent!

Cooking Cranky Style part four

Cooking Cranky Style part four

Because apparently there are not enough cook books in this world, books by kooks, cooks, crooks and chicks with looks, I am contemplating adding one more…a cook book by a crank, “Cooking Cranky Style.”  A book of Cranky recipes.  Meals that are quick, easy, need no special ingredients and are tasty.  Food that is not special, but that anyone can make. Simple stuff that can be whipped together without extensive shopping, planning and measuring.  Meals that are easy clean ups.

Part 4

Crank-a-roni a Jerseylicious treat

OK, is this just a copy of the San Francisco treat?

Why yes, yes, it is.

The difference is you don’t always have a box of rice-a-roni when you want it, and a box to serve four costs $3.00.  The ingredients for Crank-a-roni are in your cupboard and a serving for 4 will cost about eighty cents (not counting the wine)

Ingredients:

Several globs of butter

Fifteen strands of thin spaghetti

Two cups of rice (minute rice will do)

One beef or chicken bouillon cube

Salt

Pepper

Season salt

2 glasses of Merlot

1. Break the spaghetti into ¾ inch pieces.

2. Melt one glob of butter in a pan.

3. Add the spaghetti pieces and the rice to the medium heat pan and stir.

4. Add another glob of butter and continue to stir until the “roni” is toasted.

5. Pour a large glass of Merlot and sip generously while stirring.

6. When the “roni” and the rice are toasted, add 2 cups of water and turn up the heat.

7. Add broken-up-bouillon cube, pinch of salt, five seconds of fine pepper grinding and four healthy shakes of season salt and stir to a rapid boil.

8. Turn heat to simmer and cover.  Stir occasionally and heat for 4 or 5 minutes till water is absorbed and or evaporated.

9. Try a spoonful and continue on simmer if too moist (you will know)

10. Finish the large glass of Merlot

Plate your crank-a-roni as a side to chicken or steak

Pour the second glass of merlot

Eat, drink and enjoy…you just saved $2.20!