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Monday, August 26, 2013

THE 2012 STANDARD WIFE - a Cranky re-run

This re-run is from August 2012

A Mr. Suldog from Massachusetts requested, “Cranky I read your Husband Instructions for new wives, ( ) what about Wife Instructions for new husbands?”  Well Suldog of Massachusetts:


The divorce rate in this country is disturbing. In many cases the cause of break-ups is unrealistic expectations by the husband, and an inability to understand how to deal with a new wife. New husbands-to-be should get a set of instructions before the wedding.

INSTRUCTIONS FOR THE 2012-SW (available en Espanol)

Congratulations on your new 2012 Standard Wife or your 2012-SW.  Your 2012 –SW is very durable and if maintained properly should last a lifetime. 

The 2012-SW comes fully equipped to take care of many functions which you are ill-equipped to perform.  These can include cooking, organizing, remembering important dates, procreation and child rearing.

Your 2012-SW does not respond well to vocal commands.  To get your SW model to reach peak performance it is recommended that you lubricate well with good wine, sparkly things, occasional flowers and sweet talk.

Some models may be slightly defective and will react negatively when you fail to properly apply the above lubrication.   This defect may manifest in screechy harsh vocal output.  It is the manufacturer’s recommendation that you comply immediately to whatever the harsh vocal output requests.  A firm whack on the vocal mechanism sometimes will successfully correct the output issue, but this is a temporary fix which will ultimately cause your 2012-SW to completely break down beyond any repair.  YOU ARE HIGHLY DISCOURAGED FROM WHACKING THE SW VOCAL MECHINISM!!

There is no refund for malfunctioning 2012-SWs, however they may be partially insured through a Pre-nup policy.  This police is recommended.    

Your 2012-SW is especially well suited for procreation and post- procreation functions.  She can operate for long periods of time with little or no sleep.  You will be required to show appreciation for this function and provide occasional sleep relief.

We cannot stress enough that though your 2012-SW appears very durable the SW is very sensitive!  You MUST handle with care and show constant appreciation. 

Many 2012-SWs will demand more shoes and other attire than you might think is necessary.  Do not attempt to limit shoes and attire, you will fail and it will reduce the effectiveness of your 2012-SW.

Your 2012-SW is fully equipped to perform to your satisfaction in the bedroom.  Do NOT attempt to operate this function without adequate warm up; when finished, a substantial cool down time is also recommended.

Your 2012-SW comes with a date of production and a date of officially becoming a SW.  Remember, and celebrate these dates.  Failure to acknowledge production and SW dates with dinner out and or presents will cause temporary malfunction of your 2012-SW.

DOs and DON’Ts

Do - periodically tune up your 2012-SW with dinners out, wine and kind words.

Don’t – Attempt high volume vocal commands.

Do – Stroke your SW for high performance.

Don’t – Shake or in any way treat your 2012-SW harshly.

Do – Occasionally attempt to assist in what you consider normal SW functions.  Your 2012-SW will do these functions over but your attempts will be rewarded.

Don’t – Try to decorate any room other than the basement.  The 2012-SW has no override button in the decorating function.

Do – Wear whatever outfits your SW suggests.  She is programmed to be expert in this area.


Q - My brother’s 2010-SW gained several pounds and has marks on her abdomen after the procreation function.  Has this been eliminated in the 2012-SW.

Ans – No.  Weight gain is typical.  In some models it is permanent.  We find that most husbands still find their SW to be as HOT as when new, even with a few extra pounds.  We call the marks “stretch marks.”  They are typical and should not be considered to be a defect.

Q – I have heard that some SW models are overly demanding and sometimes are not completely logical.

Ans – Yes…Deal with it!

Q – Is it true some previous model SWs would obey all verbal commands without question?

Ans – Yes, however these models have been out of production for years and when they did exist, they often did not perform in the bedroom function.

Please remember that with proper care and tune-ups, your 2012-SW should give you a lifetime of satisfaction.

Enjoy your 2012-SW.    


  1. Question: When I unboxed and assembled the parts to my new 2012-SW I had several parts left over. Can I toss these out? I think they had something to do with vocalization.

  2. Stephen, you've been ripped off, the 2012-SW comes fully assembled.

  3. VERY CLEVER--I wish I had thought of writing this post!!

  4. All I know is mine has a highly developed vocal mechanism that is currently on a tear about some sort of food that she wants me to eat that I don't want to eat. Something about me living longer. And if not actually living longer, it will just SEEM like forever. ;)


  5. lord luv a duck. Mrs. Cranky read your stuff?

    Wouldn't it be fun to go to the husband store or wife store. OR order online... eBay auctions... estate sales or the desperate garage sale...

  6. Do not allow the SW-2012 to program the remote control. They are not equipped to handle this function.