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Thursday, August 29, 2013


Mrs. Cranky is better with directions than anyone I have ever known.  If you need to go anywhere in New Jersey, she can guide you to your destination.  When one of the step-cranks calls for directions this is the typical phone conversation I hear,

“Where are you? By the Exxon station…that would put you on the corner of West Oak and Jennings Place.  You need to go three blocks and turn right at Waverly.  That will take you right to rt.28…there will be a Kay Jewelry story on the right corner and a tire dealer across the street; Bridgestone I think.  Go south on 28 about 7 miles and turn right at the dry cleaners.  That will be Lake Avenue.  You just go 4 miles and turn left on Rector.  The 7-11 you are looking for will be on your left across from the McDonalds and next to the Hallmark store.”

Why is it when I need something in the house I get minimal directions?

“Hey Kare, do we have any Q-tips?”


“OK, which room?”

“The bathroom of course.”

“Ours or the guest bath?”

“OURS!!” (Stated in a way that I now know I probably pass those Q-tips every day.)

“Thank you.”

I am now forced to find the Q-tips on my own.  One more question will bring derisive comments and great shame upon me.

As I search every cabinet in the bathroom which requires moving multiple tubes, brushes and cleansers out of the way, Mrs. Cranky hears every attempt.

Finally, with timing that is better than a Joe Montana to Jerry Rice post route, just before I try the final place where a Q-tip could possibly be stored, she hollers from down stairs,

“Oh for crispy sake, they’re in the medicine cabinet.  You couldn’t find a phone in a phone booth if you were spotted three tries!”

One question.

"Why couldn’t you just tell me, 'The Q-tips are upstairs in our bathroom in the medicine cabinet' you always give your kids spot on perfect directions?"

“Because,” she tells me with no apparent emotion in her voice, “I just like fucking with you!”

At least she is honest.     


  1. My dad used to try and give me directions using landmarks....."Go about 15, 20 miles north and you'll see a big rock in a field. Turn left there and head towards Goat Gap..." HUH?

    So her Facebook profile says her hobbies are ballroom dancing and pulling your chain? :)


  2. At least you have some kind of relationship going on here!

  3. My sense of direction is terrible. If I were a scout for the Lewis and Clark Expedition they'd still be looking for our bodies.

  4. you are perfect for one another...

  5. I LOVE that woman--she might be my clone!!

  6. Where was Mrs. C back when I did shows in New Jersey. Oh, the jug handles I missed over and over, resulting in return jug handles.

    Sorry about the Q tips.

  7. Love it, love it, and so very true of spouses! We bend over backwards for our kids, even the ones that are closing in on 40, and when it comes to are partner we sometimes fall a little short in the helpful department, or leave them to muddle thru on their own, just so we can point out some tiny flaw in their multi-talented character. Though I must say, it seems that men are totally clueless when it comes to hunting for/finding things, and they usually ask for help while they stare straight ahead blankly as if the missing object is going to materialize before them! ;-)

  8. That is just too, too funny. I can't give directions for anything so I don't even try anymore. If Jim needs help finding something, I just get up and go find it for him. So much easier.

  9. I certainly hope you were not going to put a Q-Tip in your ear. Never put anything smaller than your elbow in your ear. Perhaps you were not meant to find the Q-Tips.

  10. There's no medicine in your medicine cabinet. :)

    And I like your Joe Montana/Jerry Rice analogy. Those were the days when I actually watched football.

    As for Mrs. Cranky - She's a smart one... in more ways than one.