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Monday, August 12, 2013

MY WIFE IS TURNING ME GAY - a cranky re-run

This Monday's re-run is from August 2011.  This is probably the third time around for this post, but it seems to be a favorite.  If you have already read it, have a nice day.  Otherwise please enjoy:

I married my wife on 12/11/10 (she thought even I could remember that date).  When we married I was a heterosexual.  I know I was heterosexual because I had four children through previous marriages.  Other signs which would confirm my gender preference are I am a slob, I love sports, I watch football four times a week when in season, I have no taste in clothes, I fart, and I am a conservative.
I have reason to believe my wife became Mrs. Cranky at least partly because I was a heterosexual.  She seems to enjoy the fact that I prefer the company of a woman, and yet it seems she is turning me gay.

This process is slow and insidious.  First, she is not a neat person.  I find myself picking up and cleaning where I would never have done so before.  Gay?  She does not like make-up.  She seldom wears lipstick mascara or rouge.  Yet I am still attracted.  Gay?  I know what rouge is.  Gay?

Next she slowly gets me hooked on TV shows I never before would have even paused over on the remote; “The Bachelor” and “The Bachelorette.”  I began saying things like “I wonder if Jason will choose Amy.   They have had such an awesome journey and shared such amazing times.”  Or “I hate that Robert, how can Sarah give him a rose?  He is sooo inattentive.”  Gay?

She now has me hooked on “Americas Next Top Model”, “Project Runway”, and “Say Yes to the Dress.”  The other day I caught myself saying, “That dress has too much rouging, I hate the crumb-catcher, there is no wow factor and the mermaid cut does not go with her figure.”  GAY!!

Two weeks ago she actually had me watching soccer…..WOMEN’S SOCCER.

As I sit on the toilet peeing, I worry about this transformation.  It is not that there is anything wrong with being gay; it’s just that I thought I had the whole straight thing down, and I think I am too old to change.

My last hope is football; NFL football.  I thought I was doomed while it looked like a strike/lockout would cancel this year’s season, but it seems that was settled.  I am saved. 

Football!  Hitting, gouging, dirt, blood, fights, pain, guys carried off the field on a stretcher.  Football!  Just in time to keep me on the XY chromosome team.

I cannot wait for the start of the season.  My only concern is the NY Giants’ uniform.  I heard they were switching the home-game uniform from cobalt blue to powder blue. 
I think the powder blue will clash with the new hunter green turf.  


  1. Have you started re-arranging furniture yet, or comtemplated new curtains? Even worse, have you started calling "curtains" "draperies"?

    No, don't answer. I want to remember you the way you were.


  2. "As I sit on the toilet peeing...."
    THAT made me laugh out loud the first time I read it, and it made me laugh out loud this morning!

  3. "As I sit on the toilet peeing..."

    That's so practical.
    When you get up after, you don't have to remember to put the seat back down.

  4. It isn't hard to figure out why this post is so popular. Love the part about you peeing sitting down. My Mrs. C. ropes me into watching cooking shows all the time and the other day I got upset because a chef didn't give his ingredients time to "marry." Too much! I must protect my fragile "Y" chromosomes.

  5. Would you come over & clean my house? I think my husband & I are both male!!

  6. Is that a picture of Bruce Jenner?

  7. This is one of my favorite posts love it

  8. Is this what people mean when they (men) are getting in touch with their feminine side?

    It's okay...straight women love gay men... it's a plus for you.

    Just keep a few things male and you'll be fine.