PHONE-A-FRIEND
I used to
like the TV quiz show “Who Wants to be a Millionaire” until they changed the
format. The old format gave a contestant
who didn’t know an answer the opportunity to “Phone-a-friend” to get help. I always said my phone-a-friend would be my
friend “Frog.”
Frog (named
as he once wore glasses reminiscent of “Froggy” in the “Little Rascal Comedies”)
is my friend all the way back to high school, and he is an expert in
everything, especially history where he has a Doctorate (almost) in American
History. I guess I should call him
Doctor Frog. Anyway, the only problem
with Dr. Frog as my phone-a-friend is his tendency to ramble on with facts not
requested. I have a recurring nightmare
where I am a contestant on the old format of “Who Wants to be a Millionaire.”
“OK Cranky, you are down to your
final question worth ONE MILLION DOLLARS.
Ready?
“I’m ready Regis.”
“Here it is…”
What is the name of the Master Sergeant
in the Civil War who before the battle of Squeak Falls said, “Five minutes till
hell boys, smok’em if you gott’em.”
A.
Fast Freddie James
B.
Martin Kurtika
C.
John Hammond
D.
Gilbert Shill
“That is a tough one Regis; I’d like
to ask a friend. I’d like to call Dr.
Frog.”
“OK sure, we'll call Doctor…Frog? Does he know history?”
“If he doesn’t know the answer, the
answer doesn’t exist!”
“All right then we’re calling Doctor
Frog…Hello is this Doctor Frog?”
“Ah…yup.”
“This is Regis of the Millionaire
Show. We have a friend of yours, a
Mister Cranky, he is going for ONE MILLION DOLLARS and he needs your help.”
“OK, sure…go ahead.”
“You have one minute. Here is the question”:
What is the name of the Master Sergeant
in the Civil War who before the battle of Squeak Falls said, “Five minutes till
hell boys, smok’em if you gott’em.”
A.
Fast Freddie James
B.
Martin Kurtika
C.
John Hammond
D.
Gilbert Shill
“That is an easy one Regis; it just
happens that in 1974 I wrote a thesis on that very person.”
“Forty-five seconds.”
“Yes; the battle of Squeak Falls was
very important.”
“Thirty seconds.”
“If the South won that battle, they
would secure their supply lines for…”
“Twenty seconds Doctor Frog,”
“As I was saying, they would secure
very important supply lines for their march toward…”
“Ten seconds.”
“Ten seconds?”
“Five now.”
“OK then, the answer is…”
“Oh, I’m sorry, time is up. We had to hang up on Doctor Frog. Do you have a guess Mr. Cranky?”
“Yes Regis, I’m going to guess that I
will have to friggin kill Doctor Frog!!”
I always
wake up in a cold sweat.
Actually, I
was once the phone-a-friend for Frog.
Frog had an argument
with his then girl friend, now wife Hillary. At 2 AM one morning I received a call from
Frog,
“Jowles*, I need you to settle an
argument. I’m here with Hillary…”
“Hi Hillary, glad to finally meet
you.”
“Never mind that, here is the
question. When Superman changes into his
Superman outfit where does he put his civilian clothes?”
“That’s easy; he has a pocket in his
cape!”
“THANK
YOU!.…I told you so Hill! Gotta go Jowles, thanks!”
And THAT, Doctor Frog, is how a
phone-a-friend answers a question!
*Old knickname…long story.
ok Jowles! btw I dint know Superman had a pocket in his capes!
ReplyDeleteI say you oughta go kick Frog's ass just for the lost sleep he's caused you. Not to mention the million bucks.
ReplyDeleteS
No way is there a pocket in Superman's cape.
ReplyDeleteI've heard of civilian capacity before but never civilian cape-acity. ;)
ReplyDeletetoo funny.
ReplyDeleteI knew where he kept his clothes, too
ReplyDeleteBTW - Pipsqueak Falls was the site of the battle
The media got the name all screwed up... as usual
KILL FROG is the right answer--you are a funny man, my friend!!
ReplyDeleteSomeone's blowing smoke here. Smoke 'em if you got 'em was from Teddy Roosevelt trying to cover the San Juan hill dust with the smell of smoke.
ReplyDeletein his cape? really?
ReplyDeletepretty funny! My husband would never be friends with Frog because the other one would never get the chance to talk!
ReplyDeleteI think many of us worried about who'd we'd call when that program was popular. Funny post. I can answer succinctly but I've also been known to be long winded.
ReplyDeleteI used to worry the other way - imagine if a friend called YOU and you didn't have the answer! That would be horrible. Also if you DO have the answer and your friend wins, what proportion of the prize money do they have to give you?
ReplyDeleteDoctor Frog sounds like my Dad! He knows a ton, but it takes him a while to get to the point. :P
ReplyDeleteI find it interesting how we get some of our nicknames. I have several nicknames in high school. One of my classmates called me the guys with a 1000 names.
ReplyDeleteI miss watching the Little Rascals on Saturday mornings. "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" was at its best with Regis as the host.
Do you think they let the phone-a-friend go because there was a team of people at the house Googling the answer? I can always tell when people are Googling on the Kelly and Michael show... Not that I'm always in front of the TV. Really. lol
ReplyDeleteI like your friend, Frog. Those are the kind of people who you love and get annoyed by at the same time.