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Thursday, May 23, 2013

I Wrestled In High School...Part II: The Chest

I Wrestled In High School, But I was Not A Wrestler

When we last left the Young High School Cranky, he was preparing to wrestle a 225 pound human chest.  Emaciated from losing seven pounds in one day, young Cranky was waiting to get his ass beat.

If you missed part I, find it here:

Part II: The Chest

By the time my match was to begin, the varsity had finished with a win.  They all gathered around the mat to watch me be destroyed by “The Chest.”

In the first period, I stayed away from “The Chest” and the second period started 0-0.  “The Chest” was huge, but he was slow and not very skilled.  In the second period I scored a point with an escape, and stalled as best I could the rest of the period…1-0.

In the third period my man escaped and tied the score 1-1.  Then with less than a minute in the match I managed a takedown for 2 points and took the lead 3-1.  In a desperate attempt to escape, “The Chest” made a beginners mistake and raised his inside arm.  I leveraged his arm and had him almost on his back for a near pin making the score 5-1.  With 20 seconds left, I could have stood up, giving “The Chest” one point and then stayed away until the horn blew giving me a huge upset win as everyone in the gym had expected me to be easily defeated.

Instead of standing up and taking the virtually guaranteed win, I tried for a pin.  I had “The Chest” three quarters of the way on his back.  The entire Varsity and Junior Varsity teams were chanting, “PIN, PIN, PIN!” I reacted to the chant by pressing further and further for the pin.  As I attempted to force “The Chest” to his back, I slipped more and more over his giant thorax until my weight was suddenly too far over the mid-point of his body.  With 8 seconds left in the match, “The Chest” simply rolled over and dragged my unbalanced body onto my back.  The referees hand came down with a slap a second before the horn went off.  I lost a sure win by getting greedy.  I lost by a pin.

In three seconds I went from having my back slapped by my teammates for a great upset victory, to having my back slap on the mat for a loss.

Ten minutes later, weak from famine, exhausted from the match and dejected from the last second loss, I hit the shower.  My head under the cold spray of water trying to cool off, “The Chest” came over hand extended and offered me congratulations, “Hey, great match, for a while there I almost thought I was going to lose!”

“Thought you were going to lose!  Thought!!  Are you kidding me!  You were beat, all I had to do was stand up and the match was over.  You lost except I got greedy and your only freaking move the whole fight was to roll over on that gigantic chest of yours!”

Actually I didn’t say that at all, I just shook his hand and said, “Thanks, good match.”

By the time I got home, I was over the lost match that I should have won.  It would have taken days for a wrestler to get over such a loss.

I wrestled, I was never a wrestler.   


  1. So Marlon Brando got that line from you? "I coulda been a contendah!"

    At least you got a great story out of it. ;)


  2. I have always been a wrestler. I wrestle with my thoughts daily...

  3. "The chest" sounds like a nickname for many a female class mate as well.

  4. greed... we all do stupid stuff.

  5. It sounds like you had delusions of grandeur--I mean adequacy!!

  6. You gave it your best and both of you got a good story out of it. Win-Win.

  7. Fortunate you were not a wrestler. Thinking about the jocks I graduated high school with back in 1961, they weren't obsessed with their sports. You know what they thought about 24/7. I can't believe it's a whole lot different in high school these days, but after that--college and scholarships--the road to bad choices seems broad.

  8. Great conclusion, much better than had you won.

  9. And yet, with your comment to The Chest, you ended up the bigger man.