STUPID HEADLINES 033113

STUPID HEADLINES 033113

It is time once again for:

STUPID HEADLINE SUNDAY

This week’s stupid headlines and my stupider sophomoric and sometimes offensive comments

 

(Headline courtesy of Ivan Toblog http://wellohyeah.blogspot.com/ ) 

I hate when that happens!

 

For repo men, economic recovery is a blow to business – The very definition of the glass half-empty.

Guns and ammo sales spark jobs boom – And the glass is half full.

Bill Gates offering up to $1 million for 'next-generation' condom – The very definition of RICH!  I suggest they do not name it the “Microsoft Condom.”

Vial of virus that can cause hemorrhagic fever missing from Texas lab – I would be on the lookout for anyone sweating blood.

Biden taking third vacation of 2013 – Hey, groveling for political contrabutions is hard work!

 

Poor Carpenter Builds An Incredible Treehouse In The Wilds Of Canada – Imagine how incredible it would have been if he was a good carpenter!

Egyptian mosque turned into house of torture for Christians after Muslim Brotherhood protest – Going to hop on my soapbox for this one…Christians have stopped with the cartoons, and apologized for mishandling of the Koran, they have bent over backwards trying to respect the rights of Muslims…will one friggin Muslim please stand up and say they are against decapitations and beatings of Christians and don’t really want to wipe Israel off the face of the Earth and kill anyone who does not bow to Mecca sixteen times a day, or am I just being insensitive?

Egypt: Prominent blogger charged with instigating violence hands himself in – In the words of Rosanna Rosannadanna “Never mind.”

Hunters threaten to boycott Colorado after passage of recent gun laws – Sportsmen are deciding to take their sub-machine guns to slaughter elk in other western states rather than kill them in Colorado with legal rifles which have to reload after 14 shots.

Authorities find $4 million worth of marijuana on California beach – I once lost a dime bag, but this is ridiculous.

Oral drops may be an effective treatment for allergy, asthma sufferers – I’m not sure that asthma is much worse than being repeatedly dropped on your mouth.

90-year-old accused of punching state trooper in Pennsylvania – Not so surprising, 90 is the new 80.

Rep. Young says he meant 'no disrespect' by using term 'wetbacks' – “I have been accused of being niggardly in voting for new taxes, and of jewing down other members, but I certainly meant no disrespect in my use of the term ‘wetback.’ I take great offence to people who make those charges, most of whom are towelheads, dotheads and Orientals…oh yeah, and kikes…and micks…and wops…and pollocks…and spearchuckers.  I have nothing but respect for those sombrero wearing funny talking fence jumping people south of the border…you know…wetbacks.”

No link between 'too many vaccines' and autism risk – Except that autism and many allergies common in children today were rare when babies were not given multiple vaccines before they were six months old. 

Kate Upton breaks geeky high schooler's heart, won't attend his prom – She also hangs up on you if you breathe really heavy into the phone…BITCH!
 

Scientists Use Tiny Robots to Understand Ants – The hard part is getting the ant to lie on the couch and answer the robots questions.

Judge rejects divorce for transgender pregnant man – There is just no telling how many thousands of transgender pregnant men this decision will affect!

Disabled man gets $8,000 after being stuck on Disney's 'Small World' ride for hours - $8000? OMG, that won’t come near covering the therapy he is going to need to get that friggin song out of his head!


HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE

I Believe In God Because:

I Believe In God Because:

This is a depiction, not actually God.
God is shorter and clean shaven...and bald
and sounds just like James Earl Jones...with a slight lisp.

God...with a toupee

A not so Cranky Opinion Saturday

It seems like today it is the in, hip thing to declare yourself to be an Atheist.  It is so easy to make fun of Religious “Fairy Tales.”  Intellectually the concept of belief in a higher being is taking the easy way out in understanding the world.  Science can ultimately explain all.  People who believe in a higher being are ignorant buffoons.

Well, let me show my ignorance. 

I believe in God because:

Clean smells good, dirty smells bad.

Everything is not black and white, flowers come in incredible colors, birds are colorful, butterflies are colorful, TV is in color.

Laughter exists.

Sex is fun.

Food tastes good.

Broccoli…ok maybe God sometimes makes mistakes.

Giraffes…but he does have a sense of humor.

There is rain and snow.

It takes two weeks before a newborn’s poop smells bad.

Bees can fly.

He gave us dogs.

Hope exists.

We are alive and we can reproduce.

We can choose to be happy or miserable, be productive or be evil.

When it is cold there is the means to stay warm.

When it is warm there are means to cool off.

When we are young we can dream of good things to come.

When we are old we have memories of good things past.

We can blot out thoughts of bad stuff past.

We are protected by our fears.

We learn from pain.

The Sun never takes a day off.

The Earth spins on its axis at the exact same speed every day.  The Earth rotates around the Sun at the exact same speed every year.  The Moon rotates around the Earth at the exact same speed every month.

The very first molecule came from somewhere.

 

But then I may just be an ignorant buffoon.

HAPPY EASTER!

To all the Atheists; here's to when I get to tell you "I told you so" which is something for sure you will never say to me.

ONE…Two…THREE SHOOT!

ONE…Two…THREE SHOOT!

 

 

I loved sports as a kid.  We played football and basketball.  We played several variations of baseball; stickball, whiffle ball, punch ball, step ball and garage-wall ball.  We played tag.  We had running races, plus we raced anything on wheels. 

There was no adult supervision. 

There were no arguments.

Rules were clear such as “Tie goes to the runner,” and if there was a dispute, “Call it, odds or evens…one, two, three…shoot.”

We kept score, but if a game was uneven we would switch players, or adjust the rules, “OK you guys get five downs, and we get only three.”

Most games came down to “Next touchdown wins” or “I call last licks.”  Basketball was first one to twenty wins.  When a game was over we would play one more game with player or rule changes to make the game equal.  Baseball – “You have to bat lefty to make it even.”

Basketball – “You can’t shoot a layup, and we get winners outs.”

Football – “You have to run at least twice, and Jimmy can’t pass.”

We would play until mom rang a bell, or the street lights came on.

I never played a sport with adult supervision until the eighth grade.

Eighth grade is when I remember arguments and lopsided scores.

When my own children were growing up all the sports from soccer at five years old through twelve year old Little League baseball were supervised by adults.  Fair play and good sportsmanship were stressed, and then the dads would choose up teams. 

The dads would scout all the kids; ask their own kids who were the best players, and then plot to select the best team.  I sat in on several of these team choosing sessions and I never heard one dad step up and say, “You know what Frank, you are weak on pitching, I’ll give you Jimmy Klein, for little Bobby Wagner, that should make the teams more fair.”   NEVER HAPPENED! 

Happened all the time when it was just us kids.

Adults mean well, but they just mess stuff up.  I think that from five years old to eleven, adults should provide the fields, the equipment, and then get out of the way.  Mix the ages up so there are some older kids to instruct the younger kids in rules and sportsmanship.  Let the kids keep score.  Let the kids pick the teams.  Let the kids make the rules.  Let the kids play.

I dislike watching a game and hearing a dad race out to an umpire screaming, “Are you crazy, he was safe by a mile,” or “You have got to be kidding he caught that ball out of bounds.”

I would love to hear once again disputes solved the way they should be resolved by kids:

“ODDS…one…two…three SHOOT!  He’s safe…Let’s play.”

I Don’t Care That You Don’t Get It!

I Don’t Care That You Don’t Get It!

 

So I’m sitting in bed watching “The Anderson Cooper Show,” because I’m retired and I can, and the topic comes up that Tiger Woods is dating an Olympian Skier.  Interesting enough topic,…fair game considering Tiger’s Past, when out of the blue Anderson announces, “I don’t get golf!”

Somehow this grated my cheese. 

I guess because I am a golfer and for some reason people love to make fun of golf and golfers.  Golf is to sports as podiatry is to medicine.  But why does the game make you angry, Anderson? Why are the same old golf put downs fair game?

“I don’t get golf.  It just seems so silly chasing a little white ball all over a field only to try and put it in a little hole.  Whacking a little ball with a stick…what is the point?  I just don’t get it!”

Of course Anderson gets big laughs from his very sophisticated high- brow audience. 

Gee Anderson, I would think you of all people would be more understanding and sympathetic to an oft downtrodden persuasion.  Well I am proud to come out and admit I am a golfer, not a good one, but a golfer nonetheless.  And, Anderson, I don’t understand your thing.

I don’t understand men liking men.  But do I make fun of your thing.  No; I just say my choice is women.  I do not make judgments on your choice.  I don’t make chasing-ball-little-stick-hole-jokes about your passion.  I don’t say I don’t understand it as if it is something stupid or wrong.  What I do understand is you like men.  It is not a big deal and it is not complicated.  It is not something I like or dislike; it is just not my choice.  If asked I would simply just say, “I’m not gay.”  Why can’t you and others simply say, “I don’t play golf?”

Leave golfers alone, Anderson, unless you want to be boycotted by our new organization GLAAD (Golfers Loath All Angry Dudes.)

Oh, the above is intended as satire.  If it upsets your sensibilities, then it might be bad satire.  If that is the case then I apologize for bad satire.  

LOOK MA…LOTS OF CAVITIES!

LOOK MA…LOTS OF CAVITIES!

 

Katrina, an expectant mom (#10) and worlds best blog commenter recently posted on a dental situation for her very young son.

http://www.theyallcallmemom.com/2013/03/its-just-baby-tooth.html

Sara at “Confessions of a Redheaded Mama” also had an excellent post on today’s dentistry and young children.

http://confessionsofaredheadedmama.blogspot.com/2013/03/little-bears-first-dentist-apointment.html  

Both of these posts reminded me of going to the dentist when I was five years old.  I don’t remember much from this age, but I will never forget my dentist.  At five years old I always seemed to have four or five cavities which needed filling.  I never had a toothache, and half of these teeth were due to fall out in a reasonably short time, yet they had to be drilled and filled.

These cavities were never located by x-ray.  I don’t remember a dentist using x-rays until many years later.  The dentist poked around with a scary looking pick and any tooth irregularity became a cavity.  Looking back I wonder if in fact I had all these cavities, or were they really just natural dents in my teeth.  Whatever, they were deemed drillable.  Here is where the truly memorable part of visiting the dentist comes in.

In 1951, the dentist did not have a high speed drill which simultaneously squirted water to keep the drill bit cool.  No, the dentists then had a big old machine which when started up did not make the high whining whir of the drills today, this machine sounded like the putt-putt of an outboard motor in idle.  The drill may as well have been operated by a foot pedal. 

Drilling was done without benefit of Novocain.  This was either because it was not yet accepted procedure, or because mom didn’t want to spend the extra money.  I suspect since there was no insurance coverage it was the later.

That friggin drill just about fit in my mouth and it was s-l-o-w.  When the dentist pressed on the tooth, the drill slowed down even more.  It sounded like a car trying to start on a cold morning. 

It hurt.  Criminently it hurt, and there was no stopping it.  Apparently when a dentist asks if it hurts and a five year old with two pounds of tool in his mouth says, “Oompth math urghnts ooo munch” the answer sounds just like, “That’s ok Doc keep drilling.”

I clearly remember my dentist’s chair side manner.  As he leaned his weight on me so I couldn’t move, and he ignored my plea to “Pleeph opit it hurpes o murnch, he played a game of kill the cavity.

“There’s one right behind the couch (like my mouth was a room in a house) “Varoom, putt-putt” smoke actually poured from my mouth and I could smell the smell of burning teeth.  Yes, burning teeth have a smell, and it is not pretty.  The sound of that low speed torture machine of a drill, the smell of smoke and teeth and the dentist’s playful demeanor will be forever etched in my mind.

As a five year old it was all I knew about the dentist, just something you had to go through, something everyone went through.  If I had to face the same procedure today, I would pass, let the tooth rot, and yank it when it hurt. 

Extraction could not be nearly as bad as that slow-speed drill on my wide awake un-medicated five year old tooth.

WATCHING CRANKETTES GROW - a Cranky re-run

WATCHING CRANKETTES GROW

This Cranky re-run Monday is from March 2012

These are not Cole and Connor, they are stunt toddlers.

My Thursday babysitting duty for the Pa. Crankettes has given me an interesting perspective into the growth of toddlers.  When my four children were growing up their changes in growth, coordination, speech, and intelligence was so imperceptibly slow that from day to day I did not notice any changes.  It always seemed as if they just suddenly grew up and reached a new stage of development.

Watching children grow from close up is like watching grass grow.  There is no change…there is no change…there is no change…there is no change…DAMN!! It’s time to mow the lawn.

Watching children grow when you only visit once a week is like watching plants grow in time lapse photography.  Those hourly/daily changes that parents cannot really notice, become snapshots where change in growth and maturity are clear and obvious and fluid.  You do not see their struggles for tiny changes.  You see a crawl to a creep to a stagger from chair to couch to cautious but stable steps to a confident walk to fast walk to a trot to a full out run.

I have watched the Crankettes learn to communicate by grunts, squawks and pointing to asking politely for what they want.  I have seen their frustration at my inability to understand them turn into actual communication as I began to learn their secret toddler language and they learned to understand me. 

They have learned to pay attention when Grandpa Joe becomes a Cranky Old Man and they know they can test my limits when I turn into the funny Grandpa Joe.  It has taken months but we have come to an understanding about what they are capable of, what my limits are, and how we can all peacefully coexist for eight hours every Thursday.  I look forward for my Thursdays when I change from the Cranky Old Man to Grandpa Joe. 

In two weeks there will be an invasion of the three N.C. Crankettes.  The time lapse photography with these three is set at too long an interval.  Their growth is too fast to appear gradual and fluid, but I am looking forward to the new mental snapshots from this visit that I will store in my Crankette file in the forward left side of my abdullah oblongata (I have no idea, abdullah oblongata just sounds smart.)

There are many things I enjoy in this latest stage of my life; none are as rewarding as Watching Crankettes Grow!

 

"I Used To Be Stupid" is now available on Amazon KINDLE and Barnes and Noble NOOK!    

STUPID HEADLINES 032413

STUPID HEADLINES 032413

 It is time once again for:

STUPID HEADLINE SUNDAY

This week’s stupid headlines and my stupider sophomoric and sometimes offensive comments

Who'd a thunk it?

Britney Spears Flashes Her Bare Bottom at Sons’ Soccer Game & Wins Most Embarrassing Mom – Honey Boo Boo’s mom loses close vote as Britney backs in.

North Carolina church vows to stop marriages until same-sex couples can wed – This is just Liberalism run wild!  It should be first come, first serve.  The same-sex couples should have to wait their turn to marry just like everyone else.

Lindsey Vonn, Tiger Woods Dating – Golfer is paired with world class skier.  He thought getting wacked by a two iron was bad; has he even heard of ski poles?

Employees Tracked With 'Productivity' Sensors – “Hey it looks like solitaire, but I’M THINKING!!”

See-through pants problem causes Lululemon recall – So is “Lululemon recall” psycho-babble for “I remember what an ass looks like?”

Florida school bus driver fights suspension for taking call from Marine son – There were no children on the bus, and if she lost the call she could not speak to her son for another month; unfortunately rules today do not allow people to think.

Best Bang for Your Buck: Where to Travel for Your Next Vacation – I never thought I’d ever see an ad for where to get the best bang on vacation.

DHS questioned over decision to let Saudi passengers skip normal passport controls – Well it’s been a long time since a Saudi has flown a plane into one of our buildings and murdered thousands of people so…

Rare Chinese Bowl Bought for $3, Sells for $2.2 Million – Why would an idiot buyer pay so much for a $3 bowl?  Didn’t he know the bowl was over 1000 years old and had a nick on it?  For 2.2 million it should be brand new and perfect.

Massachusetts principal calls off Honors Night because it could be 'devastating' to students who missed mark – We wouldn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.  They probably should also halt raises of Principals who perform the best…Oh wait they get paid by years of service, not by their effectiveness so…

University of Tennessee Pulls Funding for “Sex Week” – Funding was stopped when the entire co-ed student body came down with a headache.

Ancient afterglow of Big Bang shows universe older than previously thought – If an ancient afterglow of a big bang is an indication of age, than I’m older than I previously thought.

Quiz given fifth-grader blames U.S. for 9/11 attacks, Texas mother claims – Well, if we didn’t build those buildings they would not have been knocked down.  At least the test made no mention of God, Jesus, a cross, or a fish.

Democratic Party official makes students ‘stomp on Jesus'– University Of Florida apologizes for the class Lesson, “From now on ‘stomping on Jesus’ will be replaced by ‘Kissing Mohammad’s ass.’”

Want a pet? Adopt an endangered elephant – But first check with your homeowners association rules.

Arkansas man reportedly admits to fake knife attack so he could impress woman – I don’t know about Arkansas, but in Jersey the women are seldom impressed when you attack them with a knife.

Woman’s breast implant falls out of chest – And you know it always happens when you are late for work

"I Used To Be Stupid" is now available on Amazon KINDLE and Barnes and Noble NOOK

                                                                

OBAMACARE…LET THE FALLOUT BEGIN

OBAMACARE…LET THE FALLOUT BEGIN

That’s right; it is once again time for:

 Cranky Opinion Saturday

 

There is a bipartisan push in the Senate to repeal a new “Medical Device Tax” that is part of the twenty thousand page “Obamacare” legislation passed three years ago.  This tax it is now determined will have a negative effect on development of new devices and procedures.  Experts in the medical field claim it will increase costs for patients and hurt the companies that produce these devices. 

I don’t know a thing about these devices or the effect of the tax.  I leave it up to politicians to answer those questions and given time I believe this and other items in the “Obamacare” law will be corrected and amended until someday we might get some decent legislation out of it.

Well actually I don’t believe that, but I try and stay positive or at least neutral in this blog.

Anyway, the thing that intrigued me in this whole story was the Obama administration explanation of why the tax which would raise 30 billion dollars over the next ten years is a good tax, and is in fact beneficial to the medical device companies that are affected.

“The Obama administration has defended the medical device tax, saying companies actually stand to benefit from the law. Though the 2.3 percent tax hits the industry, the department argues that the millions of new health care customers insured as a result of the law will increase the demand in hospitals to order more equipment -- in turn boosting medical device companies' profits.”

I don’t know diddlysquat about the economics of this tax or the effects of “Obamacare” but I do know gobbledygook when I hear it, and man can politicians play with facts and numbers. 

First of all, what genius can state unequivocally that any tax will bring in 30 billion dollars over ten years?  I know, X dollars a year on X number of devices blah, blah, blah and simple math will arrive at a figure.  Then this same genius turns away from simple math and extrapolates pure guesswork that “millions of new customers” (courtesy of Obamacare funded by this tax) “will increase demand for products of medical device companies and boost their profits!”

So…this new tax will raise 30 billion dollars over ten years to help fund Obamacare, but the increased number of Obamacare customers will create a demand for devices that will boost prices to more than make up for the tax on these companies. 

Won’t the increased demand that boosts profits and prices make medical care more expensive and negate any benefit of Obamacare?

The EXPERTS are guessing and making stuff up, and my mind is spinning!

You cannot take cut and dry math and make assumptions ten years down the road where there are so many variables it is ridiculous and then make up your own variables to explain how a given tax will benefit not only the beneficiaries of the tax but also those being taxed. 

Well you can, but it is bull spit!

 

The preceding has been the opinion of a cranky old man and not necessarily that of management…Mrs. Cranky.

More Emails to Cranky

More Emails to Cranky

“Email, I get email, I get lots of funny email”

I get lots of funny email every month, you probably do as well.  If you have already seen these, then just skip them…duh…if you haven’t seen them yet:

Enjoy Email to Cranky March 2013:

From  Frat Brother and fellow cranky old man – Marty K.

A BLONDE JOKE

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. 

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,
'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,
Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy.
Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
'No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

 

From Lo at "It's always something"
 http://loisstearns.blogspot.com/ 
One of several “famous comebacks”

Winston Churchill vs. Lady Astor

 

Brenda is also picking on blondes with this one:

Two blondes were going to Disneyland. They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home.

 

Scott Z. sent this one on “Learning to cuss”

 

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard.

The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss."The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

The 6 year old continues,"When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."

The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.

WHACK!

He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up,and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit,slapping his rear with every step.

His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"

 

My SIL Judy sent me this explanation of “Piss Poor” (The editor in my SIL advises it should read "We older people")
 

Us older people need to learn something new every day... 

Just to keep the grey matter tuned up.

Where did "Piss Poor" come from? Interesting history.

They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot.

And then once it was full it was taken and sold to the tannery ...

if you had to do this to survive you were "Piss Poor". 

But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't even afford to buy a pot...

They "didn't have a pot to piss in" and were the lowest of the low.

 

This comes from Frat Brother Fast Freddy J.
 

Ole is a farmer in Minnesota. He is in need of a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in Nordakota  (that would be ' North Dakota ' for you non - Scandahoovians). 

He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow.

Ole reaches under to see if she gives milk.

When he grabs her teat and pulls ... the cow farts.

Ole is very surprised.

He looks at the farmer, then reaches under the cow to try again. 

He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. 

Milk does squirt out however, so after some discussion Ole decides to buy the cow.

When he gets back to Minnesota , he calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, "Hey, Sven, come and look at dis here new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens."

Sven reaches down, pulls her teat - and the cow farts.

Sven looks at Ole and says,

"You bought dis here cow in Nordakota, didn't yah?"

Ole is so surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip.

"Yah, dats right ......... But how did you know?" 

"My wife's from Nordakota."

 

 

 

 

Finally, from cousin Nils - "Some dogs in the doghouse"

 

I completely destroyed this antique chair barking at the dog next door

 

I'm Fern and I destroyed our BBQ while trying to lick the grease pan.  Shame on me.

 

I’m looking for one from Frat Brother Squeak but I got nothing…where are you Squeak?

 

Tune in next month for more Emails to Cranky.