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Sunday, September 30, 2012

Stupid Headlines 093012

Stupid Headlines 093012

Sunday is time for Cranky’s readers least favorite post, "Stupid Headlines" for the week and my stupider, sophomoric and often offensive comments.
I swear I was never on Pine Street...I was home...ah...watching TV

Man's failing heart heals itself before transplant – Wasn’t that a country –western hit a few years back?

NYC schools to dispense morning-after pill without notifying parents – I wish they had those when I went to school…one more chance after a bad test right?

Why rough sea-slug sex is good – Your comments on this one are welcome…come on Lowandslow, I dare you!

A man mauled by a 400-pound tiger at the Bronx Zoo has been charged with criminal trespass. - Well that and having his arm ripped off might just keep him from jumping in with a tiger again.

Kids keep 2-headed snake as pet – It has to be asked, “How do it poop?”

Industry group: bacon, pork shortage ‘unavoidable’ – OK, THIS has got my attention.  Come on Mitt, or Barack solve this issue and you’ve got my vote!

Distance between Earth and sun redefined – Now that is going to change EVERYTHING!! Do they measure from Mt. Everest or from Death Valley?

Rapist seeking visitation with child he fathered after attack on teen victim – What the frig?  Of course in Iran the teen would be stoned to death as a slut so…we may be stupid as hell but at least were civilized.

Ahmadinejad addresses U.N. General Assembly amid protests
“Before I start, can I grub a smoke from anyone?”



Alaska woman falls off 60-foot cliff while texting – PEOPLE!!!  PLEASE…Do NOT text and walk!!  (She survived; it’s OK to laugh your ass off.)

Scientists find way to make old muscles young again-

Scientists face four years in prison for failing to predict earthquake – If it was me I’d start off every day with “The Earth is round with a chance of shaking.”

Ke$ha says she had sex with a ghost – KKK clansman claims, “I had sex with Ke$ha!” (I don’t know who she is either; I’m assuming she is famous.)

Hong Kong tycoon offers $65M dowry to the man who can woo his gay daughter – I’d take her out to dinner for 100 grand.

Check out the coolest new place to have a cocktail: underwater – “I’ll have a double scotch with an ocean chaser please.”


Saturday, September 29, 2012

Famous, Trusted Celebrities Suck!

Famous, Trusted Celebrities Suck!

How do so many famous, trusted celebrities sleep at night?

Montel Williams is a successful TV personality and motivational speaker.  He has made lots of money through his hard work and talent.  Does he really have to take a job convincing people who don’t have a pot to piss in that it is a good idea to borrow up to $1000, instantly, without any questions asked?  Does he really have to be a shill for what is a glorified loan shark operation?  Doesn’t he know that most of these “borrowers” will pay back the loan two fold in interest and never cover any of the principle?  Does he need the money that badly?  How does he sleep at night?

Ben Stein is a successful investment analyst and economist.  He has made money in many acting endeavors with his monotone deadpan   delivery and boring persona.  Does he really need the extra money he earns pushing for his “Free Credit Report” scam?  These ads scare the crap out of people that their credit rating will get them fired and their identity will be stolen if they don’t sign up for this service which charges their credit card $8.99 every month to give them information which they really don’t need and is available for free without this “service.” Oh and how is $8.99 a month free?  Does he really need the money that badly?  How does he sleep at night?

Robert Wagner made a fortune in movies and TV.  He must have had life insurance on his wife Natalie Wood who “accidentally” fell overboard in Avalon Harbor, Catalina Island one night and drowned.  Funny that no one heard a sound in a crowded harbor late at night, but I guess sound doesn’t carry over the water.  Does Robert Wagner need money so badly that he pushes “Reverse Mortgages” on old people convincing them that banks want to give them money?  No word that these monthly payments are loans.  Loans that will stop when they equal the equity they have in their home.  These are loans that will stop and will need to be repaid as soon as they leave their home to downsize, or move to assisted living or pass away.  Are reverse mortgages a good idea for some?  Maybe, but for most they are a scam to loan money at high interest rates to gullible old people who do not know what they are getting into.  Does Robert Wagner really need the money?  How does he sleep at night?

Troy Aikman and Hulk Hogan made millions during their athletic careers and in TV appearances and as celebrity analysts.  Do they really need extra cash telling poor people that they can easily rent that giant TV they crave so much?  Is it really a good idea for someone living pay check to pay check to spend $100 a month to watch an $800 TV they will never own?  How do they sleep at night?

Go ahead people; take out that sleazy loan, buy that worthless service, put your home at risk, and rent that giant TV you can’t afford.

It must be OK, a celebrity told you so; and they did it with a smile and no bags under their eyes.        

Friday, September 28, 2012


RTOCV up to no good!

One of the most popular TV reality franchises today is Bravo Channel’s “Real Housewives Of” series.  There are RHO-New Jersey, Atlanta, New York, Orange County and Miami.  All are intoxicating train wrecks as the cameras follow these rich, shallow and spoiled women around their everyday lives.  It is very easy to get hooked on these shows.

On Thursdays I baby sit my son’s two toddlers.  The lives of these two are every bit as interesting as the lives of those rich, spoiled housewives.

I think I will start my own series: “Real Toddlers of Central Valley.”

The intrigue of these two is a natural:

Will Cole whack Conner when no one is looking? 

Will Conner get him back? 

How many toys can they break in an hour? 

What is wrong with every meal they are presented with?

Do I smell poop? 

Why are they giggling…it can’t be good?

The highlight of this week’s episode is Connor and Cole talking:  

What are they saying?
Let’s listen in to Connor, Cole and Grandpa Joe in this week’s episode of:
Cole asks Connor, “Which do you like the most?” 

Connor responds, “I likes Pussy?” 

Grandpa Joe hearing only the last comment, “What?...Cole, what did Connor just say?”

“He likes Pussy.”


“Pussy, Pussy, Connor faborite is Pussy.”


“Yes, Pussy.  Me like Thomas the Tank Engine betterest.”

“Oh PERCY…PERCY from ‘Thomas the Tank Engine’... pshew!"


Tune in next Thursday when Cole says, “Connor don ring the Pee-Pee bell.”


The boys sing from “Snow White and the Three Dwarfs”

“Asshole, asshole, it off on work we go.”


Thursday, September 27, 2012



This post is an unsolicited shout-out to Frank of Rent-A-Son, a local contracting business in Edison, New Jersey.

Mrs. Cranky and I recently updated our kitchen.  The old kitchen came right out of the 1980’s which is fine except I hated the 1980’s.  I did not need to be reminded of those years every time I went into my kitchen.  I also could not stand the tile counters which captured every crumb and chunk of crud into its filthy grout lines when I tried to wipe it down.  Also, as described in a previous post we bought a new refrigerator/freezer which did not fit in our cabinetry.

We shopped for cabinets, counter and tile but each piece of the kitchen puzzle required a separate installer.  This seemed like a nightmare to me.  Then I remembered Rent-A-Son.

Frank had done several jobs for me in a previous life.  Frank agreed to do all the work except the counter installation for which he took responsibility for the sub-contractor.  Having one contact for the whole job made the process manageable.

Rent-A-Son’s prices are not cheap.  They were fair and in the same ballpark as other estimates.  When doing construction you really don’t want inexpensive.  Inexpensive is shortcuts, delays and sloppy work.  In construction inexpensive can be very expensive.

Rent-A-Son’s work was top notch, timely and neat.  The crew was careful to not make a mess and to clean up every day as well as possible.  Frank never pushed for a particular product, but lent his expertise in recommending colors, trim, and cost effective materials.

If you are looking for a home improvement expert for painting, construction and fix-up in the Edison, New Jersey area give Frank and Rent-A-Son a call.






Wednesday, September 26, 2012



Lou at “Sunnyside” recently ranted about homework for grade school children.  It reminded me of this story.

At seven years old, Spencer was bringing home a boatload of homework every night.  Much of it was “busy” work and some didn’t make sense even to his parents.  My favorite was a math question designed (I guess) to make the kids think:

 “Two and two equals four…explain.”

 I mulled over this question for about 20 minutes.  I had no idea what the teacher was looking for and it was 8:30, 30 minutes past Spencer’s bed time and 2 ½ hours into a seven year olds homework.  I finally scribbled on his paper:

“Because if he told me two and two equals anything else I would think he was an idiot and you were the worst math teacher in the USA.”

Mr. Hagy


That was the last “thinking question” homework we received that year.


The killer assignment of all assignments was a “King Tut” puzzle.


Spencer came home one night with an envelope.  Inside were 11 pieces of white paper cut into puzzle pieces.  The assignment was to put the pieces together and then tell three things about the person the puzzle formed.

Plain white pieces are difficult to figure out, especially when cut by scissors and even more especially when one piece was missing.  We (did any teacher really think a 7 year old was going to do this without help) started at 7:00.  At 7:45 I still did not know who this puzzle was supposed to be until I asked Spencer what they were studying in this class. 


Ah ha!  The puzzle without a piece now started to look like King Tut.

The puzzle finally solved, we now had to tell three things about King Tut.

It was eight o’clock and I was borderline crazed about this stupid assignment.  Couldn’t the teacher just have asked “Tell three things about King Tut?”  No, she had to send home a stupid freaking all white puzzle with a missing piece.  What fun!!

“Get you book Spence and we’ll look up King Tut.”  His book did not have a section on King Tut.  I guess we were expected to look him up on the internet.  My internet access at the time was via a slow modem (remember modems?)  My patience was now zero.

“Write this down Spence.”

1.     King Tut was called the child king…because he was a child.  (That was the extent of my King Tut knowledge.) 

2.    King Tut was left handed.  (Prove me wrong.)

3.    It is now nine o’clock; my father says it is well known that King Tut was unable to solve puzzles with all white scissor cut pieces especially when one piece was missing.  So I guess King Tut was also an idiot.

That was the last puzzle project of the year.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Feast of San Genarro 2012 Little Italy

Feast of San Genarro 2012 Little Italy

Brought to you by Kia Motors


This Sunday I went to my first Feast of San Gennaro, on Mulberry Street, Little Italy, NYC with Mrs. Cranky, and her sister Mary Ann and BIL Mike, or the “Crank-in-laws.”

The first thing that hits you on Mulberry Street is the crowd.  There is much bumping and twisting, but no pushing and shoving.  Everyone is in a good mood.  I think the good mood is a result of the unbelievable intoxicating smells of great food which changes at every step. 

I guess that’s why it is called a feast.
Mr. Crank-in-law

We had reservation for a late lunch at Il Cortile.  The testosterone challenged crank-in-law made these reservations and she caught a lot of flak because of it.

  “Why would we eat at a restaurant when all of Little Italy is selling some of the best street food in the world?”

 There were steak sandwiches, sausage sandwiches, fried mozzarella, zepolles, funnel cake, every pasta invented, manicotti, baked ziti, lasagna, calamari and much more.

As an aside: In Little Italy sausage is called “sauseege,” mozzarella is “mutz,” manicotti is “managut,”and calamari is“gallamar.” Don’t ask!

As it turned out, lunch at the restaurant was an excellent get-a-way from the hustle and bustle of the street and the food was fantastic (there are NO bad restaurants in Little Italy) so Mrs. Crank-in-law was exonerated.

Thanks, Mary Ann!

After lunch we took in the sites and sampled some more food.

This cannoli was a bit much:

Mrs. Cranky and Cannoli Man
Did he just say "Eat me?"*

We bought cigars

And Hats

Horrible Pic of Mrs. Crank-in-law (sorry MA)

Better pic of Mary Ann


 “We skipped the snake girl”

We gave a dollar and won a prayer

And we harassed a celebrity
“Who’s the Boss?”

Mr. Crank-in-law accosts an unbelievably affable Tony Danza

All in all it was a terrific day. 
On the way home, just before the Holland Tunnel we spied someone selling tee shirts with the ultimate NYC- Little Italy attitude:

 In all black with bold white print


I love New York!

*"Sex in the city" reference.

Monday, September 24, 2012



Several weeks ago my son asked me to be “Judge.”  Apparently he was driving south through North Carolina with his family when someone passed him and threw out a cup of soda.  Intentional or not, the soda splashed my son’s car and windshield.  Several miles down the road, he passed this transgressor.  My son was the passenger, and as they passed he threw out a box load of popcorn he had been eating.  The popcorn flew over the other car and some even went in an open driver’s window.

My daughter-in-law thought that this was a really stupid and childish act, especially as they had two sleeping toddlers in the back seat.  Matt called me asking “Was I wrong?  Devon says what I did was stupid.”

As “Judge” I asked two questions:

What did the other driver do?


Did it feel good?

“The other driver slowed way down, we never saw him again, and it felt really frickin good!”

The “Judge’s” decision?  “You got away with a really stupid act.  Were you actually in North Carolina?”


“Then you were extra stupid and extra lucky.  They hunt in North Carolina.  They carry guns in NC just in case they see game!”

This incident reminded me of a similar event of my youth.  An event that was very stupid, an event where I was very lucky, and an event which made me feel really frickin good!

It was 1969 and I was driving through Philadelphia heading for a job interview.  I was stopped at a traffic light in my hot 1968 VW bug.  The exact moment that the light turned green, the car behind me leaned on the horn.  I figured he was impatient, but damn!  I didn’t even have time to release the clutch.  I was pissed!

I got out of the car and slowly walked back to his car.  He was leaning on the horn all the way.  When I got to his window he rolled it down and started yelling at me to get moving.

“Oh. You want me to move?  I assumed you were trying to tell me there was something wrong with my car.  No problem, sir, I’ll move.  I can do that because as you can see the light is now green.”

I returned slowly to my car and waited until just as the light hit amber and then I pulled out.  The impatient asshole behind me, purple with rage and still cursing and beeping, could not follow in time.  He was stuck for another stop light rotation.

In retrospect this was a really stupid move.  You never know what kind of a nut is in that other car.  At least I wasn’t in North Carolina; still it was very stupid.


Damn did it ever feel good!

Sunday, September 23, 2012



Here are this week’s stupid headlines and my stupider, sophomoric and sometimes offensive comments:

 Virgin births may be common in the wild – Or there are more toilet seats in the wild than previously thought.

Ohio death row inmate makes case that he's too obese for execution– Judge rules that the prisoner’s “last meal” be served three weeks before the execution.

Professor Made Students Sign ‘Vote for Obama’ Pledge – Romney is unconcerned, cites students’ record of cheating on tests.

School Bans Father-Daughter Dances – Dance discriminated against single mom’s daughter.  Hmmm they should have canceled my Senior Prom cause all the girls turned me down.  Isn’t that discrimination against creeps?

Blue Jays' Escobar suspended 3 games for homophobic slur on eye-black – How can eye-black be sensitive?

Man Arrested in HI Pleads Guilty to VP Threats Hawaiian man who threatened to kill Joe Biden is charged with a misdemeanor.  (Oh calm down, it’s just a joke… You liberals are so sensitive.)

Headless Roman statues found in ancient city – Relic was a likeness of ancient Roman cartoonist who specialized in caricatures of the Prophet Mohammed. 

Zimbabwe city residents synchronize toilet flush Country is in training for new 2016 Olympic event hoping for first gold medal.

Some local Dems to skip the first lady – Obama’s will do anything for a vote, but double dutching Michelle is over the top!
Man charged with car thefts, car break-ins Well yea, if he stole them he must have broken in!

Tunisia president's former aide gets suspended jail sentence – In Tunisia that’s what they call hanging you from your ankles in jail.

Saturday, September 22, 2012



They say 60 is the new fifty.  Then fifty used to be fricking old.  I’m sixty-six and without looking in the mirror there are many signs that I am getting old:


I used to think about sex every 10 minutes; now I have to be reminded once a week.

I used to root for the Yankees as if my life depended on it; now I think, “Wouldn’t it be nice if the Orioles won for a change.” (I KNOW!)

I used to play and practice golf at every chance I had; now it’s “maybe tomorrow.”

I used to want a fast boat, a sports car, a big house, and a ton of money; now I think all of that would involve a lot of work.

I used to want to spend more time with my kids; now an hour with a grandchild will do.

I used to wake up raring to go; now, I wake up needing to go.

I used to think new stuff was really cool; now new stuff pisses me off.

I used to get all riled up over politics; now I figure it’s someone else’s problem.

I used to bowl a lot and I hated the 10 pin; OK that hasn’t changed.

I used to think 21 was young; now a young person is anyone under 45.

I think that Meryl Streep is hot; while Lindsey Lohan is a snot.

I used to invest based on potential for big gains; now high interest rates and big dividends get me excited.

Everywhere I go I see buildings that “Used to be” something else.

When they play “Oldies but Goodies” I’ve never heard of them.

The last thing that makes me positive that I am getting old is….ah…I’ll get back to you on that one.