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Monday, September 3, 2012

Fashion Rules For Men

Fashion Rules For Men

Last week Mrs. C. and I were going to a sleazy bar with friends to watch her favorite lounge entertainer (Tom Parella, an incredible acoustic guitar player and vocalist of ‘60’s, ‘70’s and 80’s music extraordinaire

In preparation for this event, I took a chance and dressed myself.  In the usual men’s fashion thinking I chose my favorite shorts, olive green, and my favorite golf shirt, gray.  When Mrs. Cranky saw my outfit she responded in the usual woman’s tactful way, “You’re not going to wear that!  Are you?”

“Why no” I answered somewhat chuffed (I had to get that word in.  All the UK and Aussie mums use it); “I just thought it would be funny and everyone could have a good chuckle!” 

Actually being somewhat cranky I responded, “Yes, why the frig not?  Is there a fashion law?  Who makes those fashion laws?  The gay dudes on project runway who wear scarves, berets, striped balloon pants and silk shirts opened up to their belly buttons?  Sorry my balloon pants are at the cleaner, I lost my beret and it’s too friggin hot to wear a scarf!”

“Well OK!  I guess you ARE going to wear that….JERK!”

What is it with fashion?  Why is something that was chic, and in good taste in 2008 the stupidest, ugliest, dumbest combination of garments ever imagined in 2012? 

What is good taste?  Who decides?  Is it the same clown who convinced the world that Earth Shoes will make you live longer?  Who are the hemline police?  Why are wide lapels dumb one year and sophisticated the next?  Why can rock stars, movie stars, and artists wear whatever the fuck they want and it is always in style? Who owns the color wheel?  Why do 55% of the world (women and gay men) get to decide what men can wear?  I for one am going to rebel!


Olive green and gray go together just fine.

White socks and shorts are stylish.

The best way to dress up is find your favorite pants, your favorite shirt, your favorite socks, your favorite shoes and wear them!

New York Yankee hats make any outfit even better.

A vertical striped shirt can be worn with horizontal striped pants.

Tight pants and anything leather is just wrong.

Feathers are not allowed with the exception of a two inch plume on the side of a hat.

Anything with a flowered pattern is unacceptable.

A tee shirt worn with a sports coat is allowed only if you are a pretentious asshole.

The most important fashion rule for men….If you give a rat’s ass about what you wear you are thinking way too much!  Stop thinking; just wear what your wife tells you.      


  1. Guess I should be donating the flower pattern Hawaiian shirt you gave me as a gift for driving you to the airport to goodwill? Fashion advice from JH... very interesting. Btw, I agree with the hat choice and suggestion.

  2. Just aspire to that casually thrown together look. Either you faked it or you succeeded.

  3. Why do styles change? So they can sell you more stuff. If the same shirt was in style for a decade, you buy one shirt per decade. I personally gave up trying to be stylish years ago.

    I wear shorts in the summer (LL Bean preferred 'cause they're comfortable), jeans in the winter (Wrangler NON-cowboy cut), and T-shirts year round. And yes, I usually look like crap.

    I do have one suit, 'cause you never know who's gonna die or get married. ;)


  4. There should be only one fashion rule, which would be, SCREW THE RULES! Wear whatever you like--unless you object to people laughing at you!

  5. I hate fashion - when I dress up I like to think I have a classic style that suits me not the mode of the day!

    White socks and shorts is not good though Cranky - especially if you pull the damn things up!

    FYI - 'chuffed' means really happy and pleased..... "I was really chuffed when my new camera arrived on Friday afternoon"

    Have a great labor day!

    Lou :-)

  6. I like the word chuffed. I like irony even more.
    ...and any baseball cap makes any outfit even better.

  7. I love your conclusion: I seldom give a rat's ass about what I wear, to my wife's horror.

  8. I'd be sorta okay with everything but the vertical and horizontal stripes together....I don't remember a decade where that worked and I am pretty old.

  9. Haha a tee shirt and sports coat should NEVER be allowed

  10. I think women tend to forget that fashion should primarily be about comfort. Think of all those young girls clobbering away in stilettos almost about to break their ankle...they think it's fashion but it's a bloody safety hazard.
    Stick with your olive green shorts and grey golf shirt.