Stupid Headlines 093018

Stupid Headlines 093018

This week’s stupid headlines and my stupid, sometimes sophomoric comments.

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Mary Kay Letourneau, teacher who had affair with 12-year-old student, said she 'didn't know' it was illegal – There are things that don’t have to have a law on the books, creepy is creepy…and there is a law so…

Baby found crawling across New Jersey road prompts investigation – Traffic cameras show baby clearly crosses against a red light.

'Robot sex brothel' slated to open is not wanted – I have the best comment for this EVER, but my filter just kicked in…make up your own.

Lego wheelchair helps Maryland Zoo's injured turtle to heal – And the Hare still can’t beat him!

Student says Oxford University turned her away from graduation because of 'provocative' ankles – I don’t believe I’ve ever seen a provocative ankle.

Seal attacks kayaker with octopus – What the Hell was the kayaker doing with an octopus?

Gay penguins 'kidnap' chick from parents at Denmark zoo after dad 'neglected' it – They knew they were gay, because both were wearing tuxedos.

Man finds Mississippi governor's wedding ring in 'old couch'  - Do I smell scandal?

Oklahoma woman arrested after she allegedly burglarizes, defecates in fraternity house – But she was very careful to not leave any fingerprints.

Massachusetts fire department welcomes 9 babies in 1 year – Is that a 9 alarmer?

David Beckham beats speeding ticket with help from 'Mr. Loophole' – Bend the rules like Beckham?

FEEL-GOOD STORY OF THE WEEK

Couple's love story started with a CPR kiss – I tried that once and the girl just yelled, “someone call 911”…crap!

https://www.cbsnews.com/news/andi-traynor-max-montgomery-cpr/

I WEPT TODAY

I WEPT TODAY

 I wept today for a man I did not know. 

Angelo, the father of a friend, died last week.  He was 99. The funeral was today. I did not know Angelo.  I never met him, truthfully, I only recently became friends with his son and daughter-in-law.  You can not know a man you have never met.

I did not know the man.

I did learn he was a man with a great sense of humor, a short man no more that 5’ 5” but strong with large powerful hands.  He served in the army during WWII.  He was a Sargent for a crew that used anti-aircraft guns to protect bridges from German planes.  He was shot at and bombed on a lot.  His family found out many years after the war that he was apparently part of the Normandy landing.  They found out when they were discussing a movie about that battle and he asked, "did they show the crosses on the beach and the blood in the water?"

I just heard the stories, I did not know the man.

Angelo lost his wife when he had two young children.  He later remarried and apparently had two great loves in his life.

That is what I heard, I did not know the man.

The service was touching, a military service with a piper, a bugle, shots fired in his honor, a letter from the President, a flag folding ceremony by two ridged-with-respect soldiers.  None of those participants knew the man.

I wept with the rest of his family, I wept for a man I did not know.

Afterwards there was lunch and Angelo’s children and grandchildren told stories and smiled and laughed.  They shared many memories.

I smiled and laughed as well, even though I did not know the man.

I sensed that Angelo led a normal quiet life of great service to his country and love for his family, much like many men, probably more than most, I don’t know, I did not know the man.

I know I wept today, for a man I did not know.

He must have been a remarkable person. 

Why else would I weep for a man I did not know?

Tech Savvy

Tech Savvy

I just saw a video of a grandpa videoing his grandson’s marriage proposal.  Very sweet, even sweeter somehow, because he had his phone on selfie mode and filmed his reaction, not the proposal.  Funny, but I realized, “That would be me!”

Yes, I have lost my tech savvy.  “Lost” you ask? “Were you ever tech savvy?”

Well yes, kind-of. 

I knew how to whack the TV if it was doing that picture flip thing.  I could adjust those rabbit ears and knew how to use aluminum foil for improved reception.

I could start a lawnmower with a pull cord when careful adjustment of the “choke” was essential.  I knew to add a few drops to the carburetor to restart a car that had run out of gas.  I could drive a stick shift and knew how to start a car by popping the clutch when the battery was toast.  I could change a flat tire.

In my later years I could fix a TV tuner with WD-40.  I knew how to split cable and wire it through out the house and not pay the cable company for extra hook-ups.  Hell, I even used to program my VCR to tape one show while I was watching another and even tape shows overnight while I was sleeping!

When computers first made the scene at work, I quickly learned how to double click and use a search engine.  I was proficient at several functions of Excel.   I figured out email, and even used instant messaging.  Then suddenly technology revved up and there was something new every day.

Young people pick up the new stuff, because they need it at work and all their friends use new tech, so they have to learn it. 

I did not need new tech in retirement and most of my friends were equally clueless.  I now learn new technology only under duress, like if I don’t figure it out, I can’t operate my car, use the radio or find my way home.

I know how to use my own TV cable system, but I am lost at my son’s house…I can’t even turn the damn thing on.

I sometimes feel pretty stupid about my lack of tech knowledge, but then I saw this video of several teenagers trying to use a rotary phone.

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UR1rHKywseI

Apparently even the simplest things are not so simple if you have never seen them and have no instructions on their use.

Out of Place?

Out of Place?

This Sunday Mrs. C and I went to a show.  Mrs. C loves concerts and shows, me, not so much.  This one, however, I was on board.  We went to see Darcy Lynne at a local theater.

Darcy Lynn is a ventriloquist.  She won “America’s Got Talent” in 2017.  She is only 14, but she is very talented.

I felt out of place.  Why?

The show started at 3:00.  I thought it was strange for a show to be so early, but figured it was because Darcy is so young.   Standing in line the real reason for the early show became apparent.  Every one in line was either a parent with a ten-year-old daughter, or a grandparent with a ten year-old granddaughter or a ten-year-old girl.

Mrs. C and I were the only adults who did not bring a ten-year old girl as an excuse to see Darcy.  If I had known, we could have found someone with a ten-year-old daughter we could have borrowed to feel more comfortable at this show.

The atmosphere was like going to a Howdy Doody show with out a child…almost creepy, except Darcy is a good enough performer to entertain anyone.

Once the show started I was more comfortable, this young lady is terrific.  She is a skilled ventriloquist, has a wonderful singing voice and so do her puppets, and she has the stage presence of a veteran performer.

Apparently, Darcy is a hero to young girls, as she should be, but old people can enjoy her act as well, really, it’s not creepy.

Darcy Lynne:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rk_qLtk0m2c

Kitchen Drawers

Kitchen Drawers

 Our new kitchen is finally finished.  One really cool feature is that the drawers all pull completely out.  The entire drawer when pulled out is easily accessible; even all the way in the back.  I remember drawers that you could pull completely out, except they would then fall out and empty their contents on the floor. 

The kitchen drawers I’m used to have stops to keep from pulling them all the way out and on the floor.  They pull out about three quarters of the way. If you want something in the back you have to feel for it.  To me, a drawer that pulls all the way out without spilling on the floor is very exciting.

I couldn’t wait to show this excellent feature to Mrs. Cranky. 

“Did you know the drawers pull all the way out?”

“So?  All drawers pull all the way out.”

“What?  No they don’t!  Most drawers pull only three quarters of the way out.”

“Ok and…?”

“And this is a really big deal.  The drawers pull all the way out!  Plus if you give them a slight nudge they close by themselves”

"Ooh, that should save a lot of effort; no more drawer closing push!"

"It is really cool...these drawers are REALLY FRICKING COOL!!"

“Ok.  Whoop-dee-doo.  No need to have a drawergasm over it!”

DRAWERGASM?

Mrs. C. can take the shine off of chrome.

This cranky re-run is from September 2012.

My License Plate is Invalid

My License Plate is Invalid

I saw this on the road the other day and an Abbot and Costello routine started to run in my head.

Man checking into a Motel:

“Yes sir, we have your reservation, now if you just sign in and I’ll need your License plate number.”

“My license plate is invalid.”

“That’s ok sir just give me the number, it’s status isn’t our concern.”

“It’s invalid.”

“I know sir, that is all right, what is it?”

“It is I-N-V-A-L-I-D!”

“No need to yell sir, I understand, but I just need the numbers even if they are invalid.”

“They are invalid.”

“I know sir, but what are they?”

“Third Base!”

“Thank you, room 32B the elevator is on your left.”

Stupid Headlines 092318

Stupid Headlines 092318

This week’s stupid headlines and my stupider, sometimes sophomoric comments.

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Kentucky woman 'defecated' on deputy to resist arrest – “Pants up, don’t poop!”

West Virginia man allegedly huffed paint, beat mother with spatula – I suppose that is the weapon of choice if you flip out.

Maine restaurant to get lobsters high off marijuana smoke before killing them – They get baked WITH pot before they get baked IN the pot!

Parking lesson ends with car in swimming pool – That’s not what they mean by car-pooling.

Dolphins players continue to kneel during national anthem – Giants continue to lie down after kickoff!

Eagles wide receiver Jordan Matthews says stint in Buffalo led to baby: 'There’s nothing to do there' - So... if it was sightseeing at the Liberty Bell and a cheese-steak sandwich the wife comes in second?

California teen claims celeb hit him with his car: 'But it's ok because it was by Ashton Kutcher' – Dang celebrities get away with everything!

Tourists Picking Up 26-Lb. Bricks of Marijuana Washing Up on Florida Beaches – This may explain why Florida supermarkets are running low on potato chips.

Raccoon breaks into Florida woman's home – Probably looking for one of those bricks.

Americans pay more for cannabis than Canadians – Except, of course, in Florida.

Delta passenger removed from plane for head-butting flight attendant – Passenger asked police, “Is that wrong, to head butt a flight attendant? If I had known it was wrong…”

FEEL-GOOD STORY OF THE WEEK

Sofia Sanchez, girl surprised by Drake at hospital, talks about recovery from heart transplant – Top RAP artist puts a wrap to the bad rap that us old farts give to RAP.

My son listens to his stuff all the time, in one piece he actually rhymes “Fussin” with “Robitussin,” I make fun of him, but his music is very good…turns out he is a good guy to boot!

https://www.cbsnews.com/news/sofia-sanchez-girl-surprised-by-drake-at-lurie-childrens-hospital-talks-about-recovery/

Let Them Play

Let Them Play

A cranky opinion for

CRANKY OPINION SATURDAY

The following is the opinion of a cranky old man with little knowledge of the topic opined.  Opposing opinions are welcome but wrong.  As always, please, no name calling.  That means you, you big stupid head!

I don’t really like tennis.  I used to, it was way popular in the 80’s, today it seems, not so much…at least for me and anyone I know.  I liked it when McEnroe was winning and whining.  I liked it when Connors was winning and complaining.  To me the game now just lacks personality…also my ex-wife loved the game and used to beat me at it regularly with her steady-as-you-go pitty-pat game so I learned to hate the game.

Anyway.

I did take interest in the recent hoo-ha over Serena Williams battle with the head linesman in a US Open final.  It could be easy to take sides against Serena.  She is a great player but does have a reputation of making excuses the few times she does lose.

It seems in this match, she got in a battle with the judge who took away a point because she was being coached.  She claims she wasn’t coached.   Actually, her coach says yes, he was coaching her.  I say so what!  It is a really stupid rule.

Then Serena lost her temper and broke her racket costing her another penalty, I think a game, and she really blew up.

Here is the thing, tennis is a country club hoity-toity rich persons sport. Years ago, the only courts that you could play on were at the country club or the back yards of really rich people.  These days there are lots of public courts, but the game still has the hoity-toity feel.

Serena is not hoity-toity.  I’m not an expert on her career, but I believe she grew up in Compton L.A., one of the least hoity toity places in the world.  Her father trained her and her sister on crappy public courts from a very young age.  I doubt anything other than talent has ever come easy for her.  She has worked really hard to be the best.

When things do not come easily to you, it is really hard to accept when someone takes stuff away from you.  In the case of her match, the head umpire was an ass.

First, Serena’s coach was giving signals, apparently that is against the stupid hoity-toity rules that apparently almost everyone ignores and umpires overlook.  Serena was ignoring the signals. It is pretty hard to play the game and listen to someone tell you what to do.  I yelled directions to my kids all the time during sports events…they do not hear you, if they do, they give you that “just shut up dad” look.

Then Serena busted her racket in a temper tantrum.  So what? Let her play, giving her a penalty is just stupid.  This was the finals in the US Open, adrenalin is pumping and nerves are on edge.  LET THEM PLAY!!

Baseball players smash their bats all the time…also water coolers and sometimes even their fists.  This is a young lady straight out of Compton playing in front of millions, this is not Buffy playing against Debby for the club championship of hoity-toityville.

Tennis fans payed to watch Serena play, not some umpire with a hoity-toity stick up his ass trying to preserve the so-called dignity of this hoity-toity country club rich persons pastime.

Let them grunt, let them wear whatever the f*ck they want to wear, let them smash rackets, let them show emotion, and LET THEM PLAY!

Maybe if you added a little personality to this bland white washed sport they might win back some more fans…even me…probably not…but still.

The preceding was the opinion of a cranky old man and not necessarily that of management…Mrs. Cranky.

I’m So Old That

I’m So Old That

I’m watching one of my favorite shows the other night, “Cash Cab” where unsuspecting* riders are quizzed for money on the way to their destination.  If they miss three questions they get kicked out of the cab.

I am struck by the questions and the people who get the answers correct.

A young couple hops on board, and the first question, supposedly an easy question is,

“What application reestablishes the freminide of your apple 6 iPhone to quantom flagulate the insecdiary portion of your validatium?”

I’m thinking “WTF!”

The young couple answers in unison,

“MQS72”

“THAT’s right for $25!...These next questions are for $50 and are a little bit harder.”

Harder…crap I wouldn’t stand a chance.

“What Vice President resigned his office after pleading ‘Nolo Contendre’ to tax evasion.”

I’m thinking, “Easy Peasy, Spiro Agnew.”

The contestants had no clue,

“Duh…no clue man…how about a street shout-out.”

A street shout-out allows the contestants to ask a pedestrian for help.

“This guy over here…YOU, I need some help.”

They read the question to another 30-year-old who responds

“Huh? Can I consult my Apple MQS72?...no…I don’t know either.”

I then realized I am not dumb, I am just old.  If they only asked old people questions I would do OK.

How old am I?

I am so old that I remember my mom talking about a street Lamplighter.

I am so old I remember rotary phones and people yelling on that phone if it was a long-distance call.

I am so old I remember new color TV’s where the only decent thing in color was the NBC peacock, everything else seemed a weird color just to show off your color TV, which btw crapped out and showed washed out color after about six months.

I am so old I remember milk in actual bottles left at your doorstep by an actual milkman, and no one ever stole the milk from that doorstep.

I am so old I remember screen doors that slammed shut multiple times as a spring whipped it closed because kids would not shut it quietly.

I am so old I remember changing babies with cloth diapers and lethal safety pins.

I am so old I remember steel desks with wooden tops with carved initials from the last eight students that had that seat…and the top had a hole to hold an ink well.

“NO! It did not have an ink well…How Friggin old do you think I am?"

*LOL! I originally had "unexpecting" but caught it before River could comment "you mean they aren't pregnant!"

For my SIL Judy, River is this blog's Mrs. Mund, she keeps me on my toes.

Times They Have a Changed

Times They Have a Changed

Our cable has two channels that exclusively broadcast Game Shows. Many of the shows are from the 1980’s, 70’s and even older.  If you want a feel of how times have changed, these old shows are an eye opener.

Bill Cullen, Gary Moore and other hosts, all chain smoked during their shows.  These days when you see anyone smoking anywhere, you take notice.  On TV shows from years past, they could not even wait for the end of a thirty-minute show to light up.

If a TV host today made fun of any culture it would be shocking and he would be out of work before the show ended.  On these old TV shows, Indian Native American accents were mocked.  Even derisive use of the “L” “R” switch in Japanese or Chinese accents was fodder for laughs.  That would not be tolerated today.

Do you remember “Family Feud” with Richard Dawson?  He kissed each and every female contestant ON THE LIPS!  We used to watch and think it was cute, or funny, today it gives me the creeps.

Gene Rayburn regularly groped, or ogled female contestants and acted like he was charming…today he would be a pariah.

The prizes are also eye opening as to what we thought was a big deal “back in the day.”   I wonder if today anyone would consider winning a “Regina Carpet Sweeper” worth a trip to the TV studio.  Furniture by “Broyhill” was exciting, and that combo TV, Radio, record player console sent winning contestants over-the-moon.

I find even the really big prizes to be somewhat comical.  I just watched a lady from 1986 win a brand-new Toyota.  Among the many wonderful features of this automobile were “Steel Belted Radial Tires.” I remember steel belted radial tires, they were a big deal.  Do we have them today?  Probably, I don’t know.  I think we stopped getting excited about tires on our cars before the turn of the century.  Are any new-car tires worthy of mention today?  The new car feature that really caught my attention was Don Pardo excitedly proclaiming it to have a “resettable trip odometer!”

Ahh for the good old days where your “bland new Cadirac” had a cigarette lighter an ashtray and you could smoke and harass your date at the drive-in-theater.

Maybe not.

HIGH HEELS

HIGH HEELS

How the Hell do women walk in high heels.  Not those little one-inch things, or those fat librarian shoes, I’m talking about those 5-inch skinny things…I’ve heard them called F-ME pumps, but I would never use that term.

I’d have an easier time learning to walk on stilts.  I saw a lady on a TV show today dancing in those things…DANCING!  It boggles the mind.  It seems no one even thinks twice about the talent it takes just to stay upright in those things.

I know why women wear those heels, they are sexy as Hell.  I’m not sure why, but they are.  I think the idea that a woman would go through so much pain just to be attractive is somehow a turn-on.

I remember back in the stone ages before computers and cell phones, almost all the women wore high heels to work.  I don’t remember any complaining, but women wore them every day and all day, it was kind of a work wear requirement.

In 1980, New York City had a subway strike.  Women who ordinarily walked maybe a block or two to the subway now had to walk miles.  They were not going to walk miles in those heels, they wore sneakers and no one said anything, as wearing sneakers was perfectly understandable given the situation.

When the strike ended, the sneakers stayed.  Women in-mass decided they no longer had to suffer and they began to wear walking or jogging sneakers all day.  Some women still wore heels, but they came to work in sneakers and put on the heels at work.

I used to complain about wearing a tie and having a tight collar, I couldn’t imagine wearing toe pinching 5 inch-heels and making it to lunch time.

The internet claims the Woman’s Liberation movement started in the late 60’s and 70’s.  I think their greatest victory was in the 80’s when comfortable shoes became acceptable.

Scissors*

Scissors

My wife is not difficult to live with, but she does require some adjustments.  She can be a bit quirky. 

For instance; scissors.

We have a pair of scissors in every room of the house.  Apparently you never know when you might need scissors RIGHT AWAY!

In the kitchen we have two pairs of scissors.  One pair is only for cutting poultry, one pair is for paper and stuff.  When I needed scissors to cut suckers out of my tomato plants, I quickly found out that vegetation does not count as stuff.

“Don’t use those scissors for yard work!  We have a pair in the garage for yard work.”

I used the garage scissors for my tomatoes, and then put those scissors away in MYbarbeque stuff kitchen drawer instead of putting them back in the garage.  I was going to use these scissors often and the garage is a long way from my tomato plants.

The other day Mrs. C asks, “Where are the garage scissors?”

“In my BBQ drawer, I use them all the time.”

“They belong in the garage; I need them there.”

So now the scissors I use almost every day for plants right outside our back door reside in the garage 20 yards away, through two doors and I have to first go outside to get to them.

The other day while searching frantically through every drawer in the house looking for my lost golf GPS thingy, I found a third pair of scissors in the kitchen.  These scissors were buried underneath assorted stuff.   I unburied them and thought great, now there are three scissors in the kitchen.  One for poultry, one for paper and stuff, and a third pair for cutting the suckers out of my tomato plants.

Maybe not.

Mrs. C just opened that drawer today.

“What are these scissors doing out in the open?”

“I found them the other day, I unburied them so I can use them on the tomatoes.”

“Not these scissors, they are good scissors, you’ll ruin them…that’s why I hid them!”

“Well what are they for then?  You already have two pairs of scissors in the kitchen and a pair in every other room in the house?”

“Never mind.  They are the good scissors and not for you to use.”

“So along with the “Good Towels” that we are not allowed to use and the “Sea Shell” soap the we are not allowed to use; we now have the “Good Scissors?”

“Yes! Don’t be a jerk.  Leave them alone.”

I’m going to buy my own pair of scissors and put them in the BBQ drawer, and no one else better use them! 

It is easier to adjust than to figure her out.

*A cranky re-run from September 2016