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Monday, October 26, 2015


This week's cranky re-run is from October 2011
Every day I read in the paper about people getting in accidents, being attacked by wild animals, being falsely arrested and enduring other tragic incidents.  Up until now I have been lucky enough to have avoided these many tragedies.  In the interests of having others avoid the pitfalls of life I submit:


1.     BEAR ATTACK - Almost every month "Reader's Digest" recounts a tail of a hiker being horribly mauled by a bear.  Cranky’s tip to avoid this tragedy, something that has saved me from many a bear attack – STAY THE FUCK OUT OF THE WOODS!

2.    KIDNAPPED BY PIRATES – Pirates off the coast of Somalia have been routinely capturing boats and holding passengers and crew for ransoms.  Cranky old man has never been hijacked by pirates.  The secret to my success?  There are lots of really big oceans – STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM SOMALIA!

3.    MOUNTIAN CLIMBING – Mountain climbing is very dangerous.  Every year climbers are injured or lost while climbing.  Cranky’s tips to safe mountain climbing?  Be prepared for all emergencies, use only the best equipment, be in shape, check weather reports, andSTAY THE FUCK OFF THE MOUNTAIN!

4.    BEING FALSELY ARRESTED FOR SPYING – Several years ago three -hikers were falsely arrested for spying when they were caught crossing the border in Iraq to Iran.  I am happy to hear they were recently released.  Here is Cranky’s tip to avoiding such a situation in the future. There are about one billion miles of hike-able trails in the world, many are in the USA.  Try hiking on any trails that are not in the FUCKING MIDEAST! And watch out for bears.

5.    SKY DIVING – This is a relatively safe sport, but accidents do happen and they are usually fatal. Cranky’s tip for safe sky diving?  Yell Geronimo, count to ten, and STAY ON THE FUCKING PLANE!

6.    SHARK ATTACK – Ever since the movie “Jaws” people are aware of the danger of shark attacks.  Cranky’s tip to avoiding shark bites?  Swim in large groups, sharks tend to attack lone swimmers.  Avoid swimming at dawn or dusk, most attacks happen during these times. If approached by a shark, punch it in the nose, their nose is very sensitive.            OR          STAY THE FUCK OUT OF THE WATER!

7.    CAR ACCIDENTS – Most accidents are caused by drunk driving and speeding.  Do not speed.  If you drink don’t drive.  If you drink and you do drive, drive really really slow.  If your driver is drunk, STAY THE FUCK OUT OF THE CAR!

8.    FALLING OFF LADDERS – Ladders can be dangerous. Cranky says to always use a ladder large enough for the task.  Secure the ladder, make sure it is balanced and straight, have a spotter to hold the ladder steady, or even better, STAY THE FUCK OFF OF LADDERS!

9.    SKIING – Snow is very slippery.  Slippery means falling. Mountains are steep.  Steep means falling at high speeds.  Falling at high speeds means broken bones or worse.  Cranky’s tip?  Have the best equipment, take lessons, always wear a helmet and STAY THE FUCK OFF OF SKIS!

    10. MOTORCYCLES – Motorcycle accidents are common and severe.  Cranky’s tip to avoiding motorcycle accidents? YES! See, you are learning.

Cranky’s final tip:  No matter what you do or were you go, always wear a helmet!


  1. I think we've got the message, stay home and stay safe.

  2. Beautiful points and tips shared by you...

  3. I wonder how many would say 'why didn't I think of that'?

  4. Also, did you know that 90% of auto accidents happen within 3 miles of home? True. My advice....MOVE! That is one dangerous neighborhood you live in.

  5. I am not so sure, if I can stay out of a car, or out of water or ladders.
    I do think that wearing a helmet most of the time when taking on dangerous tasks is good.
    I used to be a safety coordinator in my previous job and people would not listen to my advise and laugh at me as soon as I turned my back. LOL

  6. Yikes, your advice is spot on. Stay the f*** out of whatever can kill you.

    Have a fabulous day. ☺

  7. Hi Cranky Man,

    I'm not leaving home! I just hope there's not a fire.




  8. I feel safer for having read your post :)

  9. My sentiments exactly. It's kinda like, "If you
    don't like the heat, stay out of the kitchen."

  10. Safety first. My old company had that motto, but they were always blowing things up!

  11. You should be collecting cash for such sage advice.

  12. Now that I'm armed with all this sage advice, I finally feel safe.

  13. Many, many years from now there will be a bunch of people who are celebrating their 150th birthdays. The medical profession and the media will show big interest in what these people have in common to result in such longevity. Is it their mediterranean diet? Their daily glass of red wine? Low stress levels at work? Six hours of daily exercise? And then the truth will come out...we're all readers of Cranky's blog!


  14. And since most accidents happen in the home, and the majority of those in the kitchen and bathroom, do you recommend staying out of those rooms, or away from home?

  15. I think we can SAFELY (see that I did there?) say that Cranky's blog has gone over 1,460 days without an accident.