CRANKY’S TIPS TO STAYING SAFE - a cranky re-run

CRANKY’S TIPS TO STAYING SAFE

This week's cranky re-run is from October 2011

Every day I read in the paper about people getting in accidents, being attacked by wild animals, being falsely arrested and enduring other tragic incidents.  Up until now I have been lucky enough to have avoided these many tragedies.  In the interests of having others avoid the pitfalls of life I submit:

CRANKIE’S TIPS TO STAYING SAFE

1.     BEAR ATTACK - Almost every month "Reader's Digest" recounts a tail of a hiker being horribly mauled by a bear.  Cranky’s tip to avoid this tragedy, something that has saved me from many a bear attack – STAY THE FUCK OUT OF THE WOODS!

2.    KIDNAPPED BY PIRATES – Pirates off the coast of Somalia have been routinely capturing boats and holding passengers and crew for ransoms.  Cranky old man has never been hijacked by pirates.  The secret to my success?  There are lots of really big oceans – STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM SOMALIA!

3.    MOUNTIAN CLIMBING – Mountain climbing is very dangerous.  Every year climbers are injured or lost while climbing.  Cranky’s tips to safe mountain climbing?  Be prepared for all emergencies, use only the best equipment, be in shape, check weather reports, andSTAY THE FUCK OFF THE MOUNTAIN!

4.    BEING FALSELY ARRESTED FOR SPYING – Several years ago three -hikers were falsely arrested for spying when they were caught crossing the border in Iraq to Iran.  I am happy to hear they were recently released.  Here is Cranky’s tip to avoiding such a situation in the future. There are about one billion miles of hike-able trails in the world, many are in the USA.  Try hiking on any trails that are not in the FUCKING MIDEAST! And watch out for bears.

5.    SKY DIVING – This is a relatively safe sport, but accidents do happen and they are usually fatal. Cranky’s tip for safe sky diving?  Yell Geronimo, count to ten, and STAY ON THE FUCKING PLANE!

6.    SHARK ATTACK – Ever since the movie “Jaws” people are aware of the danger of shark attacks.  Cranky’s tip to avoiding shark bites?  Swim in large groups, sharks tend to attack lone swimmers.  Avoid swimming at dawn or dusk, most attacks happen during these times. If approached by a shark, punch it in the nose, their nose is very sensitive.            OR          STAY THE FUCK OUT OF THE WATER!

7.    CAR ACCIDENTS – Most accidents are caused by drunk driving and speeding.  Do not speed.  If you drink don’t drive.  If you drink and you do drive, drive really really slow.  If your driver is drunk, STAY THE FUCK OUT OF THE CAR!

8.    FALLING OFF LADDERS – Ladders can be dangerous. Cranky says to always use a ladder large enough for the task.  Secure the ladder, make sure it is balanced and straight, have a spotter to hold the ladder steady, or even better, STAY THE FUCK OFF OF LADDERS!

9.    SKIING – Snow is very slippery.  Slippery means falling. Mountains are steep.  Steep means falling at high speeds.  Falling at high speeds means broken bones or worse.  Cranky’s tip?  Have the best equipment, take lessons, always wear a helmet and STAY THE FUCK OFF OF SKIS!

    10. MOTORCYCLES – Motorcycle accidents are common and severe.  Cranky’s tip to avoiding motorcycle accidents? YES! See, you are learning.

Cranky’s final tip:  No matter what you do or were you go, always wear a helmet!