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Friday, April 25, 2014
Just a little cranky therapy, move on, nothing to see here.
One of the things about Mrs. Cranky that I love is she lets me be me. I am allowed to flirt with waitresses, make wrong turns and get lost, forget stuff, and not always listen. It is wonderful to be allowed faults.
This was not always the case in a previous life. In a previous life faults were punished, and punishment was severe. I tried to filter my thoughts and comments and opinions. I tried to not get lost, I tried to remember stuff, and I tried to always listen. I was not always successful.
In my current life things will happen that make me shudder. Mrs. C will ask what’s wrong and I respond that I just did something that she thought was funny, or didn’t even notice which would have possibly caused an extreme reaction in years past. I say possibly, because it all hinged on whatever hormonal/ sugar imbalance or anxiety attack was affecting my ex-spouse at that time. The inconsistency of a reaction to a flaw is what makes a life of walking on eggshells so difficult.
I cringe when I think of the verbal abuse which sometimes rained down on me. There is no arguing, discussing, or even apologizing to a woman obsessed with giving you a verbal beat down. I describe it as being the ball in a pinball machine. No matter your response you will be bounced back and forth from a current transgression to a slipup of years before. When you think you have finally escaped, a flipper bangs you up and you start the back and forth battering all over again.
I always used to reach the point where I just had to leave. Walk around the block; take a drive, anything to just get away. Most of these batterings ended with my being told, “That’s right, walk away, that is what you always do.”
I think that in many ways, Dr. Phil is a bullying quack, but today he said something that made me feel good. He said,
“There is never, for any reason, anyway, any excuse ever for a man to abuse or hit a woman…never, ever, no way. If nothing else, you need to just walk away.”
So now I feel the need to say, that what you believed was a weakness every time I refused to take your abuse any longer, my walking away was the only choice besides telling you to just shut the fuck up and or belting you into submission that I had to end your abuse. You made me feel like a wimp, but know that I was being a man. Just as I refused to physically retaliate and only fended off your feeble attempts at hitting and or kicking me I also chose to walk away from your verbal abuse.
I forgive you for your insanity, I’m not sure you could control yourself, but please know I was never a wimp.
It takes a man to walk away.