SHE'S OUTTA YOUR LEAGUE
I may or may
not have ever mentioned this, if so I am mentioning it again. I have never been a ladies man. I’ve had dates, I’ve had girlfriends, hell
I’ve even had three wives, but I’ve never been a ladies man. Most women usually see past my exceedingly
good looks and charming personality and find something else way less good
looking and not so charming. So far Mrs.
C has not looked that deep and still finds me charming…I guess. Anyway, except for Mrs. Cranky I’ve never had
much success with women.
The reason
for my lack of success? I reached my
peak at thirteen. It's true; at
thirteen I was a very handsome lad. I
had a full head of hair; I had a powerful, athletic physique, a bright smile,
reasonably good breath and very little body odor.
It was at
thirteen that I had my first kiss. It
was behind a candy store. It was a no-tongue
kiss with the most magnificent female creature that ever adorned the sixth
grade. Not just the sixth grade in
Manhasset, Long Island, not just any sixth grade in New York, any sixth
grade…anywhere...ever.
The first
kiss at thirteen was with Heather Pintertail.
You may
think I made that name up as is my wont to do, but no, Heather Pintertail was
the name. She had long blonde hair with
just the right amount of curl. She had a
perfect face with a perfect nose, perfect ears and beautiful skin. Her eyes were haunting and her figure…Oh my
God she had a figure. At thirteen she
had a figure that women today spend thousands of dollars to construct.
Heather
Pintertail was a vision. She was female perfection, and at thirteen I had my
first kiss behind a candy store with Heather Pintertail. It was all downhill from there. When I turned fourteen, not long after that
behind the candy store kiss I developed pimples, and Heather Pintertail
developed a taste for older men. I
peaked at thirteen and with it my success with women also peaked.
A year after
Miss Pintertail decided she preferred older less pimply faced boys; I was
riding in the car with my older brother.
Chris spotted Heather Pintertail walking by the road and almost drove
over a curb. He did not recognize her
from his high school because of course she was several years away from high
school though visually she would have been more than welcome.
“Damn! Did you see that? Who the heck was that?”
“That was Heather Pintertail. For a while, I thought she was my girlfriend,
but apparently I’m not good enough for her.”
“Good enough! Boy she is so far outta
your league you couldn’t even get a bleacher seat to watch her play. Don’t be too upset though, there won’t ever
be many in her league, and her league is nothing but trouble. Did you kiss her?”
“Yeah, behind the candy store.”
“Consider yourself lucky. You’ve kissed the best and it didn’t cost you
a thing. Girls that look like that are
trouble, with those looks everything comes too easy and ultimately they bleed
you dry.”
My brother
may not have said that last part but if he did he was right.
After my
behind the candy store kiss I have had many unsuccessful relationships. There have been many women who preferred
washing their hair over dating me. I have gone through a broken engagement and
two failed marriages.
Like I said
I’ve never been a ladies man. I peaked
at thirteen.
I think my
luck turned around at sixty-two with Mrs. Cranky.
I still think you'd be more interesting to women if you wore odd colour socks.
ReplyDeleteYes but Heather was probably disappointed the rest of her life never having reach such a peak again.....
ReplyDeletedue to characteristic social issues girls were off the radar until Queenie came along. interestingly enough once i cast my lot with her several came out of the woodwork to try and lay claim but she was the one for me. it works.
ReplyDeleteyou sure you're not making this up?? ;)
You peaked at 13? I thought it was 18 for boys and 35 for girls. See God has a sense of humor.
ReplyDeleteWell at least you got to kiss her and that's more than most can say. Or is it? Don't know.
I agree that you got lucky with Mrs. Cranky.
Have a fabulous day. ☺
and i am glad you lucked out with mrs. cranky. :)
ReplyDeleteI'd say you peaked at 62, then. Mrs. Cranky may have lucked out also. :)
ReplyDeleteI'm always amused by your honesty when it comes to discussing relationships. It would seem that Heather gave you a valuable gift, one that you carry with you to this very day. This probably wouldn't be so if you'd actually had a relationship with her.
ReplyDeleteGlory days, they'll pass you by, glory days..........apologies to The Boss
ReplyDeleteGood thing we get smart about the time the looks start to go. Well, not saying you're not good looking but I'm guessing you've changed some since that kiss behind the candy store.
ReplyDeletePersonally, I believe we don't peak until the end.
ReplyDeleteI am sure that MrsC and yourself are perfect match for each other.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Joanne, on when we peak.
Better late than ever, even at 62. When I was in grade six we had a young lady named Evelyn André. Just....a goddess. It's a dim memory at this point you understand, but all the boys were in awe of her.
ReplyDeleteLast I heard she had had a hand full of kids, and is no longer quite so "svelte" shall we say?
Hey, sh*t happens.
Third time was a charm.
ReplyDeleteLaughed at your peaking. Like you I peaked early. I was wildly popular from 10 to 12. After that I was middle of the road, super average.
I think you should google Heather Pintertail. This may result in a dramatic change in your story: you'll find out that you peaked when you first kissed Mrs. Cranky!
ReplyDeleteIf you'd stayed with her long enough, she would probably have asked for your wrestling charm, then dumped you.
ReplyDeleteHow sweet how you ended this, you saved the best for last :) I think we all remember the name of our first kiss, I do mine.
ReplyDeletebetty
Sounds like you actually peaked at 62.
ReplyDeleteAwww I am thinking that you found your soul mate in Mrs C! Great story too! I am not sure but I don't think I peaked until after all my kids left home before that I think I was too busy.
ReplyDelete