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Wednesday, April 2, 2014

SHE'S OUTTA YOUR LEAGUE


SHE'S OUTTA YOUR LEAGUE
 
I may or may not have ever mentioned this, if so I am mentioning it again.  I have never been a ladies man.  I’ve had dates, I’ve had girlfriends, hell I’ve even had three wives, but I’ve never been a ladies man.  Most women usually see past my exceedingly good looks and charming personality and find something else way less good looking and not so charming.  So far Mrs. C has not looked that deep and still finds me charming…I guess.  Anyway, except for Mrs. Cranky I’ve never had much success with women.

The reason for my lack of success?  I reached my peak at thirteen.  It's true; at thirteen I was a very handsome lad.  I had a full head of hair; I had a powerful, athletic physique, a bright smile, reasonably good breath and very little body odor. 

It was at thirteen that I had my first kiss.  It was behind a candy store.  It was a no-tongue kiss with the most magnificent female creature that ever adorned the sixth grade.  Not just the sixth grade in Manhasset, Long Island, not just any sixth grade in New York, any sixth grade…anywhere...ever.

The first kiss at thirteen was with Heather Pintertail.

You may think I made that name up as is my wont to do, but no, Heather Pintertail was the name.  She had long blonde hair with just the right amount of curl.  She had a perfect face with a perfect nose, perfect ears and beautiful skin.  Her eyes were haunting and her figure…Oh my God she had a figure.  At thirteen she had a figure that women today spend thousands of dollars to construct. 

Heather Pintertail was a vision.  She was female perfection, and at thirteen I had my first kiss behind a candy store with Heather Pintertail.  It was all downhill from there.  When I turned fourteen, not long after that behind the candy store kiss I developed pimples, and Heather Pintertail developed a taste for older men.  I peaked at thirteen and with it my success with women also peaked.

A year after Miss Pintertail decided she preferred older less pimply faced boys; I was riding in the car with my older brother.  Chris spotted Heather Pintertail walking by the road and almost drove over a curb.  He did not recognize her from his high school because of course she was several years away from high school though visually she would have been more than welcome.

“Damn!  Did you see that?  Who the heck was that?”

“That was Heather Pintertail.  For a while, I thought she was my girlfriend, but apparently I’m not good enough for her.”

“Good enough! Boy she is so far outta your league you couldn’t even get a bleacher seat to watch her play.  Don’t be too upset though, there won’t ever be many in her league, and her league is nothing but trouble.  Did you kiss her?”

“Yeah, behind the candy store.”

“Consider yourself lucky.  You’ve kissed the best and it didn’t cost you a thing.   Girls that look like that are trouble, with those looks everything comes too easy and ultimately they bleed you dry.”

My brother may not have said that last part but if he did he was right. 

After my behind the candy store kiss I have had many unsuccessful relationships.  There have been many women who preferred washing their hair over dating me. I have gone through a broken engagement and two failed marriages. 

Like I said I’ve never been a ladies man.  I peaked at thirteen. 

I think my luck turned around at sixty-two with Mrs. Cranky. 

18 comments:

  1. I still think you'd be more interesting to women if you wore odd colour socks.

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  2. Yes but Heather was probably disappointed the rest of her life never having reach such a peak again.....

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  3. due to characteristic social issues girls were off the radar until Queenie came along. interestingly enough once i cast my lot with her several came out of the woodwork to try and lay claim but she was the one for me. it works.

    you sure you're not making this up?? ;)

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  4. You peaked at 13? I thought it was 18 for boys and 35 for girls. See God has a sense of humor.

    Well at least you got to kiss her and that's more than most can say. Or is it? Don't know.

    I agree that you got lucky with Mrs. Cranky.

    Have a fabulous day. ☺

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  5. and i am glad you lucked out with mrs. cranky. :)

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  6. I'd say you peaked at 62, then. Mrs. Cranky may have lucked out also. :)

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  7. I'm always amused by your honesty when it comes to discussing relationships. It would seem that Heather gave you a valuable gift, one that you carry with you to this very day. This probably wouldn't be so if you'd actually had a relationship with her.

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  8. Glory days, they'll pass you by, glory days..........apologies to The Boss

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  9. Good thing we get smart about the time the looks start to go. Well, not saying you're not good looking but I'm guessing you've changed some since that kiss behind the candy store.

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  10. Personally, I believe we don't peak until the end.

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  11. I am sure that MrsC and yourself are perfect match for each other.

    I agree with Joanne, on when we peak.

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  12. Better late than ever, even at 62. When I was in grade six we had a young lady named Evelyn André. Just....a goddess. It's a dim memory at this point you understand, but all the boys were in awe of her.
    Last I heard she had had a hand full of kids, and is no longer quite so "svelte" shall we say?
    Hey, sh*t happens.

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  13. Third time was a charm.
    Laughed at your peaking. Like you I peaked early. I was wildly popular from 10 to 12. After that I was middle of the road, super average.

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  14. I think you should google Heather Pintertail. This may result in a dramatic change in your story: you'll find out that you peaked when you first kissed Mrs. Cranky!

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  15. If you'd stayed with her long enough, she would probably have asked for your wrestling charm, then dumped you.

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  16. How sweet how you ended this, you saved the best for last :) I think we all remember the name of our first kiss, I do mine.

    betty

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  17. Sounds like you actually peaked at 62.

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  18. Awww I am thinking that you found your soul mate in Mrs C! Great story too! I am not sure but I don't think I peaked until after all my kids left home before that I think I was too busy.

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