THINGS THAT SUCK
This re-run is from February 2012. I think you will find that I have actually mellowed a bit in two years.
APOLOGIES TO HELEN REDDY
I am hetero-man hear me roar
I find these things to be a bore
And I refuse to put up with this shit again
These are all things that suck
They are events that I will duck
Yes I hate them and I won’t pretend
Oh yes I am old
It is age that’s born of pain
I really hate these things
From this crap I will abstain
I am obstinate
I am Neanderthal
I am hetero-man
STUFF THAT SUCKS:
Broadway plays, especially musicals - Anything you can do live on stage can be created 1000 times better in movies with their special effects, editing, retakes and on-location capabilities.
Musicals are crappy plays where dialog is delivered in sing-song talk. No one sounds like that in real life!
Opera – Once again, like the musical, speak dialog, don’t sing it. Opera is worse than the musical, at least musicals are in English, and the ladies are not all fat!!
Ballet – If I don’t like my stories in song, I sure as hell don’t want to see a story told by dance!
Competitive swimming – BORING!! It can’t be a sport if no one ever gets hurt.
Shakespeare – Thee, thou, shant, havith, wantith, if was thy that want to be than beith that thou wilith want? WTF!! You might as well sing the freaking story…in Italian!!
Quiche – Mmmm cheesy foam with little bits of crap!! Steak PLEASE!!
Figure Skating – Except for the women’s skimpy outfits and their backwards butt-first runs by the judge's table….BORING!!
TV Award shows – Every artist is a “genius.” Acting is a “craft” singers are “gifted”, I am sooo honored….clap clap clap….I’d like to thank the academy and everyone I’ve ever met….FUCK YOU!
Any Dancing – There ain’t enough liquor.
Cats and poofey dogs – Gimme a pet that will protect me, retrieve something, or pull something.
The color mauve – If it is not in a Crayola box, it is not a real color!
Turquoise is a colour thougH ... right?
ReplyDeleteYou got a good laugh out of me. I have to agree with everything unless mauve is the color of a skimpy bikini.
ReplyDeleteThat broad in your post sucks. I need to wash my eyes out with bleach now.
ReplyDeleteHave a non-sucky day. ☺
mauve made me laugh. i'm totally with you on the quiche.
ReplyDeleteI've said it before but you are the Sage of Our Generation. I agree with nearly all of your things that suck. I actually fell asleep and snored like a bear at a Bolshoi Ballet premier, but I did enjoy the Broadway version of The Lion King," which I hope you won't hold against me.
ReplyDeleteWhoa! You WERE cranky that day, weren't ya?!
ReplyDeleteQuiche? Scrambled eggs in a pie crust. :-) Helps if you look at it that way.
Pearl
I would have agreed with everything, but now I learned a great deal about opera, and I teach Shakespeare. On stage, fat ladies (without bikinis) rock!
ReplyDeleteI just finished singing Hetero-Man in Helen Reddy's I am Woman's melody. It works! Kinda. :)
ReplyDeleteI can relate to a few of the things on your list. As much as we're supposed to consider it a privilege to see live theater, it has GOT to be really good for me not to nod a bit like Stephen - though no snoring for me. Lion King is one of the ones I made it through, too - about 95% attention.
Put some steak and onions in that cheesy quiche and you'v got a winner!
And I forgive you for insulting my Schnoodle.
Oh no, not Shakespeare.
ReplyDeleteCranky Man,
ReplyDeleteAgree with Opera, ballet and Shakespeare (have written about how rubbish they are myself).
Quiche - only real men eat quiche (so I'm told).
TV Awards? - Yup - with you there.
But I am a cat man - sorry!
:-)
Cheers
PM
I have one of those fluffy dogs, and yes, in some ways he sucks!
ReplyDeleteI think you left out shopping.
ReplyDeleteHahaaa... y'kill me. I like all the stuff you say sucks...
ReplyDeleteAND I know lots of hetero - men who do too .. well, no, I don't. but I might. surely I do. hmmmm musicals are a stretch for a guy to like. and I don't understand why.
you don't even know what color mauve is ... Here's a website ... "ain't nobody got time for that"...
http://playingintheworldgame.wordpress.com/2013/06/13/fuchsia-mauve-puce-and-teal-aint-nobody-got-time-for-that/
I like all the stuff you hate. Even quiche!
ReplyDeleteQuiche is often improved by a bit of bacon, but even then it's not always my first preference for a meal. More like way down on the list when there is nothing else left to eat.
ReplyDeleteI love figure skating, it's an awesome skill and I wish I could do it.