This blog is now sugar FREE, fat FREE, gluten FREE, all ORGANIC and all NATURAL!!

Tuesday, July 31, 2012


BLOGGER SPAM – cheap boner pills here!

I have currently turned on “comment verification” for this blog.  I have been inundated with complaints about this verification being an inconvenience.  To the two people inundating me with complaints I apologize.

When I turn off the verification I receive the following:

These spam messages continue at a rate of about 30 an hour until I finally turn verification back on.  The spam messages are annoying enough, but they also hit my email:

<><> <><> <><> <><> <><>

 My “Delete” button is worn to a nub…well it is worn to a smaller nub.  

What I don’t understand is who is spamming me, how are they spamming me, and why are they spamming me?  I don’t see hits on my statistics from these comments, how do they do it?  They must be continually bombarding my site because as soon as I turn verification off the spamming starts again.  Surely they must be bombarding millions of other sites as well.

This must be a complicated and expensive process.  Do they sell Cialis and Viagra, or do they just infect computers that open their ads?  I am guessing their intent is to infect computers.  They might be able to entice someone to open their site out of curiosity, but who would buy cheap   Cialis from an unknown source?

I have to think that if you try and buy this Cialis you will get stiffed!...Or you won’t get stiffed which would mean you really got…well you know. 

Is there a way to eliminate this spam without comment verification?  I could disallow comments from “anonymous”, but then Mrs. C wouldn’t know how to comment.

If anyone is interested in cheap Cialis from India…no doctor’s prescription needed…quick delivery guaranteed (type of delivery not specified) let me know and I will be glad to forward you the address. 




What company employs the greatest marketing schemes ever devised?  Hands down it is Corona Beer.  Most beers show their brew as coming from clear, refreshing mountain streams.

Corona comes from Mexico.  What do they say about water in Mexico?  “Don’t drink the water!”  How did an unknown beer from “Don’t drink the water” Mexico overtake Heineken a beer from clear, refreshing Holland  streams as the largest selling imported beer in the USA?

Marketing genius.

Corona is the only beer in the world served at a bar with a wedge of lime stuck in the top of the bottle.  Why?  Is it to ward off insects?  That’s real appealing.  Is it to enhance the taste of a bland beer? Mmmm umm!  Is it to cover up rust stains on the lip of the bottle or erase the taste of insect spray used in Mexican bars?  All of these have been suggested as reasons for the Corona and lime tradition.   The answer is…no, no, no and no.

The Corona and lime tradition is a genius marketing ploy thought up to make Corona stand out from all other beers.  People love to order a Corona just to get the lime thing and appear all sophisticated and stuff.

Have you ever heard anyone order a Bud with a lime wedge?  If the lime wedge adds to the Corona experience why not order it with any beer?  Because it is only cool with a Corona.  Why?  Because the Corona company tells us so and we are all freaking lemmings! 


Still don’t believe Corona is run by marketing geniuses?  I submit to you Cinco de Mayo.  Cinco de Mayo is a Mexican holiday which was not even a big deal in Mexico but suddenly became a USA cause for celebration. 

Cinco de Mayo marks a minor skirmish of the French and Mexicans (French won that war BTW) and isn't a Mexican national holiday. Mexican Independence day is Sept 16.

I never heard of Cinco de Mayo until the 1980’s when I first heard of Corona Beer.

This company invented a Holiday! 

They invented a Holiday whose tradition was to drink beer…CORONA BEER…in great quantities.

 When I go to a bar on Cinco de Mayo I never see any Mexicans.  No one gives a shit about any Mexican Holiday, but everyone is only too happy to have an excuse to drink mass quantities of a Mexican Beer. Not any Mexican beer; not Dos Equis, not Pacifico, it has to be CORONA…with a lime wedge!

Genius!     With a lime. 

Monday, July 30, 2012



Another cranky re-run

Do we praise our children enough? 

I was grocery shopping the other day and overheard a mommy asking her five year old, “Can you get the box of ‘Fruity Choco-Crap Oats’ for mommy please?”  The child waddled over and retrieved the cereal for mommy. 

“Good Job! High Five! Woo Hoo!”

T h e    c h i l d    r e t r i e v e d    a    b o x    o f    c e r e a l.  Calm down lady.  Wouldn’t a “Thank you” be enough for Christmas sake?

Today’s kids get a “Good Job!” and a high five for everything.  I have even heard the “Good Job!” encouragement for eating.  “Take a bite for mommy.  Good Job!”

Parents: Consuming life sustaining nutrients is not a “Good Job!” it is called freaking living.  Children HAVE TO EAT!  Accomplishing this feat – EATING - does not deserve a “Good Job!” an “ATTA BOY” a High Five or a “Woo Hoo!”

Frig self-esteem.  Our children will earn self-esteem by accomplishing real shit.  Praising children for completing simple tasks like eating, drinking milk, pooping and peeing, or putting toys away will not give a child self-esteem, it will give the child an inflated perception of his/her position in the world.

Children must think, “I pooped and got a ‘Good Job!’? Surely the Sun must revolve around ME!”  OK, the very first potty poop needs a high five, but calm down a bit or your little precious will expect something for everything he does.

This “Good Job,” “Atta Boy,” “Yippee,” “Woo Hoo,” High fiving, fist pumping generation eventually will grow up and earn a living.  How will they react when they do not get “Good Job” comment for everything they do? 

“Gee Mr. Brown, I stacked those shelves very neatly; don’t I get a ‘Good Job!’?”

“Gosh Ms. Prissy I worked really hard on that report; why didn’t you give me a big red ‘EXCELLENT’ and a sticky?”

“Damn Mr. O’Brian; I made it to work on time, where is my high five....and a juice box?”

Every child must learn at some time that the world does not revolve around them.  It is best if they learn this at home.  Benny the Bully, Miss Crabtree the Teacher, or Mr. Douchbag the Boss will not make the lesson easy.  You can gently let them know what the world expects of them, or they can find out from people that don’t give a shit about their feelings.

Parents - teach your children well, encourage them when appropriate, give them love and affection, but don’t give them false expectations.

You can do it.


Sunday, July 29, 2012



It’s Sunday time for Cranky’s stupid headlines and my stupider, sophomoric and sometimes offensive comments.

Supporters vow to keep cross in California veteran’s tribute despite court ruling – Does lack of a religious symbol indicate preference to Atheism?

Pornography at San Francisco library reportedly prompts privacy screens – Pee Wee Herman is a big fan of San Francisco library, wishes movies would also provide privacy screens

Senate passes cuts for all but richest Americans – Richest Americans get special treatment again…why do I have to get cut?  I hate getting cut…it freaking hurts!

Romney meets with Tony Blair, declines to criticize Obama – Romney chooses to take the high road when he realizes Tony Blair can’t vote in the election.

Best Way to Get Rid of Rotten Sponge SmellThrow it the F out.  It’s a SPONGE!!

City of Boston advises teens on how to break up – “Err ah make shooah you leave the motah runnin when you paak the err ah caah, hide all shap objects, say it’s not you it’s me and err ah run like hell!”

Obama birth record 'definitely fraudulent,' Sheriff Joe Arpaio says – Because somehow it is the Sheriff of Bumfuck County Arizona’s job to validate birth certificates from Hawaii.*

Phelps complains about swim cap regulations – 70 something innocent movie goers get shot watching a movie, millions are unemployed, soldiers are going through hell in Afghanistan, and this multi-millionaire pot smoker who makes his living SWIMMING complains about his bathing cap! Wah wah wah.

Pace of baby-making could hold clues to economy, presidential race – President suggests workers increase output to more than one every nine months.

*Cranky Old Man will probably not vote for President Obama but he is tired of the “It’s my ball” mentality that tries to win every election on a do-over or a technicality.  I know…the constitution…blah blah blah…that was written to keep friends of King George out of the race in 17 flipity-flip, President Obama is an American; win the election on the issues.  Cranky will not respond to comments on this comment.

** Readers are encouraged to submit their own silly headlines and stupid comments for next week’s post.  Credit will be given to the submitters unless they are really good, then cranky old man will claim as his own.  Submit to:      

Saturday, July 28, 2012



Warning, some sections of this post may be extremely boring, go ahead and skip a bit if you want, you will not be quized.

I took my first job out of college with a brokerage firm, Goodbody and Company.  It was 1968 and the New York Stock Exchange volume was exploding to almost nine million shares traded every day.  Brokerage firms were only starting to move from clerks with pencils and green shaded visors to giant computers.

Starts to get more boring here

Trading volume was too much for the antiquated operations and Wall Street was experience what was called a paper crunch.  One of the results of this paper crunch was what was called “Daily stock record breaks.”  A stock record break was anytime the daily deliveries and receives of a given security did not net to zero.  Without resolving these breaks a firm did not have control of their actual inventory.

Even more boring

In 1968, Goodbody was experiencing over one thousand “breaks” per day.  Even with extra clerks working overtime and weekends most firms were falling behind in resolving their positions.  To help catch up, there was no trading on Wednesdays and hours for trading were 10-2.  Still many firms were losing control of their positions.


Goodbody hired experts to resolve this problem.  The experts determined that most breaks were caused by errors in booking securities from one location to another i.e. (just to put you to sleep) One hundred shares of General Electric booked out of one location gets booked into another location as 100 General Motors.  This error would cause two breaks which needed to be researched.

This is just terrible, one more snoozefest paragraph (skip if you want)

The “experts” decided to eliminate breaks of this sort they would change the booking method.  Entries showing security movement would be 1 two-sided entry instead of 2 one-sided entries (WAKE UP!!).  Old timers pointed out to the experts that this would eliminate breaks, but if booked incorrectly the non-break would result in inaccuracies which would NEVER be found.  There was a reason for breaks…to pin point mistakes and allow research to resolve those mistakes.  The experts sought to eliminate the breaks, not the mistakes.

Are you bored to tears yet?  Here comes the point:

The expert’s solution was to have not one, but three clerks to double check every entry.  Surely if General Electric was booked as General Motors, one of three checkers would spot and correct the error right at the point of entry.  With this solution in place, breaks were drastically reduced; the real result?

Checker number one did not take his job seriously…after all there were two other checkers behind him.  Checker number two casually passed the security and related paperwork along…after all, the first clerk has already checked everything and there was another checker behind him.  Checker number three casually passed the security along confident that the previous checkers would have caught any error.

In 1970, Goodbody’s bookkeeping was hopelessly out of control.  The company had no grip on their actual security inventory.  They did, however suffer very few paper breaks. 

Wall Street in general was out of control.  Two of the biggest firms Goodbody and E. I. DuPont were about to go bankrupt.  If confidence failed in these firm’s accounting, customers would have demanded delivery of their security certificates from all the firms.  This “run on the bank” might have brought the entire brokerage/banking system to a halt causing a bigger “Crash” than 1929.

H. Ross Perot (yes, the Ross Perot that ran for President) stepped in and bought DuPont, and Merrill Lynch bought out Goodbody to stave off the collapse of Wall Street and the Capitalist System as we knew it.

The “Expert’s” simplistic solution to an accounting problem almost brought down Wall Street and created a Worldwide depression like we have never seen before.

To be fair there was other bad stuff going on as well.

That is why I do not trust “Experts!”

Friday, July 27, 2012



Facebook, Twitter and texting have created new ways of communicating.  It is about time we officially made certain abbreviations and emoticons recognizable punctuation marks.

Lol is used to say “I was just kidding on that last comment.”  There is no need for a period when it is used.


“You sure have big feet. Lol.” This is redundant.  We need a new key, the lol key to save valuable typing time.

“You sure have big feet lol”

If a sentence makes you happy, :) should suffice in lieu of a period.

If a statement makes you sad… :( should mark the end of the thought.

If a statement makes you cry… :’(

I love you <3

If you want a remark to be read as LOUD use :0

Can we please put these and other common symbols on their own keys and turn them right-side up?

I’m tired of twisting my head.


Thursday, July 26, 2012



My Cranky Old Man blog has recently experienced a major uptick in Google hits.  At first I assumed that my talent was finally catching on with the world, but I now realize that these hits are all attempts to find a poem by a crabby old man that has gone semi-viral.  As a public service to all those looking for this poem on my blog-site, here it is:

The story claims this poem was found in the hospital room of a recently deceased old man in Australia.  I would like to take credit for it except that would mean I was no longer above ground.

Cranky Old Man

What do you see nurses? . . .. . .What do you see?
What are you thinking .. . when you're looking at me?
A cranky old man, . . . . . .not very wise,
Uncertain of habit .. . . . . . . .. with faraway eyes?
Who dribbles his food .. . ... . . and makes no reply.
When you say in a loud voice . .'I do wish you'd try!'
Who seems not to notice . . .the things that you do.
And forever is losing . . . . . .. . . A sock or shoe?
Who, resisting or not . . . ... lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding . . . .The long day to fill?
Is that what you're thinking?. .Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse .you're not looking at me.
I'll tell you who I am . . . . .. As I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding, .. . . . as I eat at your will.
I'm a small child of Ten . .with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters .. . . .. . who love one another
A young boy of Sixteen . . . .. with wings on his feet
Dreaming that soon now . . .. . . a lover he'll meet.
A groom soon at Twenty . . . heart gives a leap.
Remembering, the vows .. .. .that I promised to keep.
At Twenty-Five, now . . . . .I have young of my own.
Who need me to guide . . . And a secure happy home.
A man of Thirty . .. . . . . My young now grown fast,
Bound to each other . . .. With ties that should last.
At Forty, my young sons .. .have grown and are gone,
But my woman is beside me . . to see I don't mourn.
At Fifty, once more, .. ...Babies play 'round my knee,
Again, we know children . . . . My loved one and me.
Dark days are upon me . . . . My wife is now dead.
I look at the future ... . . . . I shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing .. . . young of their own.
And I think of the years . . . And the love that I've known.
I'm now an old man . . . . . . .. and nature is cruel.
It's jest to make old age . . . . . . . look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles .. .. . grace and vigour, depart.
There is now a stone . . . where I once had a heart.
But inside this old carcass . A young man still dwells,
And now and again . . . . . my battered heart swells
I remember the joys . . . . .. . I remember the pain.
And I'm loving and living . . . . . . . life over again.
I think of the years, all too few . . .. gone too fast.
And accept the stark fact . . . that nothing can last.
So open your eyes, people .. . . . .. . . open and see.
Not a cranky old man .
Look closer . . . . see .. .. . .. .... . ME!!

Remember this poem when you next meet an older person who you might brush aside without looking at the young soul within.....we will all,
one day, be there, too!

I did not write this!  But I am a Cranky Old Man.   

Come back to this site for my own cranky wit and wisdom; or check out previous cranky old man posts before you leave.





Several weeks ago I posted about a college fraternity championship contest with a football board game.

The winner of the first and only Pro-Quarterback board game championship back in 1968 was Dave “The Dude” Doughty who defeated the favorite Vinnie “Pieman” DeGenarro.

Recently I learned of a shocking allegation that the game was fixed!  Well not fixed, but “The Dude” had a distinct and unfair advantage in this contest. 

I had a chance to meet with a certain “Frog,” a fellow fraternity member back in 1968.  He read my post and felt compelled to disclose information which casts a cloud over "The Dude's" victory.

“Frog” was eliminated early on in the tournament.  He was defeated by “The Dude.”  Here is where the story gets dicey.  During his contest, “The Dude” spilled a small amount of coca-cola on the “right-side run card.”  They cleaned the card, but enough color was removed so that you could tell when this card was played.  If this was true, then “The Dude” held a distinct and unfair advantage over all other players in the tournament, including the Championship game.

I presented this information to then League President, Don “Squeak” Harjes.  “Squeak” hesitated to make a ruling, especially because “The Dude” a much beloved, even revered fraternity brother had passed away many years ago and could not dispute the allegation.

“Squeak” passed the information on to the then President of the Fraternity….Vinnie “Pieman” DeGenarro.

“Pieman” who always suspected foul play, immediately declared “The Dude’s” tournament record void.   The actual Tournament winner is now officially declared to be “Pieman!”

It was further deemed appropriate that any Statues, Plaques, or other memorabilia commemorating “The Dude’s” victory be removed…

“Hey, can I have a word in my defense?”

Sorry “Dude,” the President’s word is final!


As gambling was never officially sanctioned, restitution of any betting on this game is up to the individual participants to resolve.

This is indeed a sad day in the short history of “Pro-Quarterback the board game.”   A Legend has been destroyed.  The reputation of a revered and beloved fraternity brother has been sullied.  The game itself has been tarnished perhaps beyond repair.

I am speechless. 

Wednesday, July 25, 2012



The past four weeks I have had custody of my fourteen year old son.  It is hard having custody for only one month and occasional weekends or weeks.  As a father you need to keep an eye on a 14 year old.  You need to offer guidance, yet give him enough rope NOT to hang himself.  With limited custody it is difficult to not want to always be the good guy.

Fortunately the youngest crank does not try and take advantage of my situation and play the Mom vs. Dad card.  

He does know how to needle me.

When I correct his teenage behavior…sleeping late, not picking up, leaving dishes around etc., he invariably responds, “I’m just trying to be a good person.”  He says it with an impish country boy grin, so I know he is playing me, but it still always makes me laugh (I don’t know where the boy gets it from.)

The truth is he is just trying to be a good person.  Yanked from the only town and friends he has ever known and dragged to the land of the missing “R” where people paak theya caas and root for teams with red socks he is adjusting very well.

He is kind to others, never a bully.  He does not do drugs, does well in sports, gets good grades in school, has made many new friends and does what he is asked…eventually…after several requests.

He is a teenager.  He faces constant temptations to not be a good person and his brain is not yet completely developed to where he always knows the difference.

His job is to grow, to learn, and to try to be a good person.  It is not always easy to watch, but I believe he is going to succeed. 

I don’t think I can ask any more from him than to “Just try and be a good person.” 

Tuesday, July 24, 2012


A classic argument between men and women revolves around men’s inability to remember dates.  Women remember the exact date of any event they consider important.  Men vaguely remember the year…maybe the month and year.  Because women remember the exact date so easily, it is very upsetting to them when a man does not also remember.

Women correlate remembering the date with caring.  If you cannot even remember the date of an important event, then you must not even care.

Mrs. C remembers the exact day of our first date.  She remembers the first day I texted to her 143.  She remembers the first day I verbalized 143 and told her I loved her.  She remembers the date of everything.  Not just the date, but the day of the week that date fell on. 

How do women do it?  What gives them this skill that men do not possess?  I think it is simply a matter of biology and anatomy.

Because of anatomical and biological womanly functions, women are keenly aware of at least one day of every month.  They know when that day is due, how many days after they will be affected and when possible, plan their activities around this day and the following 4-5 days.

 Because they are always keenly aware of this monthly event they always have a frame of reference to remember all other important days in their life.

When was the first time my husband took me to a movie?  Hmmm… it was March, eight days before I was expecting my regular event…It was March 9th, a Friday.  What day did we get engaged?  It was December, two days after my monthly event ended…December 19th…a Sunday.

If women want their man to remember important dates, they should mark their calendar.  Circle your lunar event, mark the number of days that will follow, and adjust the calendar as irregularity requires.  You will be surprised at the results.

What day did Aunt Martha have her operation?  Hmmm…it was in July; three days before…you know…that would make it July 19th…a Tuesday.


To really drill the importance of dates to your mate, inform him that every month you are going to kick him in the balls when he least expects it, and make sure he knows what day that event will occur.

When are we supposed to go out with the Frankles?  Hmmm…As I recall it will be one week after you kick me in the balls this month…that would be the 17th…Saturday.

It is really very easy to remember dates, as long as you have a consistent frame of reference.



I like writing.  It helps me get stuff out of my head.  Sometimes I think I write good stuff, sometimes not so much.  I did not start writing until I retired several years ago.  I had the time, I needed to do something. 

I liked writing when I was in school, but I never wrote very much.  The teachers never encouraged me.  All I ever heard from my teachers was “your spelling is horrid, and your grammar is worse.”

I only argued with a teacher once.  I was told that a paragraph MUST have at least three sentences.  I wrote a paragraph with ONE sentence.  It cost me a 5 point penalty in an assignment.

I argued that Ernest Hemmingway’s books often had paragraphs which had less than three sentences and if one of our greatest authors could write a paragraph with one sentence then I could write a paragraph with one sentence and I even showed her an example of a Hemmingway book which had a paragraph with only one sentence.

Her response?

“So you think you can write as well as Ernest Hemmingway?”

My response?

“So who should I try and emulate, Ferdinand D. Nobody?”

The teacher took off another 5 points.   

Microsoft word has helped with my spelling, and I am old enough to say, “Frig grammar!”  So I am now attempting to write stuff.  Not so grate (ok, so word is not perfect) maybe, but I enjoy doing it.

To all you English teachers out there I suggest that you continue to stress only spelling, grammar and sentence structure.  Discourage those that cannot spell or whose grammar is deficient.  Those things are very, very important. 

Pay no attention to ideas or content.  

Anyone can think.

Monday, July 23, 2012



Tonight Mrs. C. and I ordered Chinese food for dinner.  There are several reasons why we love Chinese food for dinner.  The food is delicious.  The food is inexpensive.  The food is ordered on the phone and delivered to your door.

There are drawbacks to Chinese food.

I used to call in my order and then pick it up at the restaurant.  I had to stop this because I couldn’t handle the 15 minute trip.  It was not a difficult drive except for the smell of Chinese food.  Fifteen minutes in a car with the smell if spare ribs, pork low mien, egg drop soup and chicken almandine wafting across my nostrils and taste buds is torture.  The smell caused me to speed, run lights and drive more distracted than a teenage girl texting Justin Bieber.  I almost had an accident several times. 

Now we order delivery.

Another drawback to Chinese food is for some reason I eat it like it is going to be taken away from me at any minute.  I don’t know why this is, but I shovel that chow in my mouth faster than an Olympic sprinter.  Egg roll…duck sauce…low mien…chew…spare rib…swallow…chew chew chew…egg drop soup…swallow…REPEAT.

Within fifteen minutes after the delivery, my stomach is busting and I am in pain.  My taste buds are in heaven.

One of the best things about Chinese food is the duck sauce.  What is duck sauce?  I use it on everything.  I never have duck.  I once asked the proprietor of the local restaurant about this sauce.

“Why do they call it duck sauce?  Was it the invention of an man named Duc? Duc’s Sauce?”

“Sauce for duck.  Call duck sauce.”

“Are you sure it wasn’t developed by a Mister Duc?”


“It might be like the tape, duck tape isn’t for ducks.  Some call it duct tape, but the only thing it isn’t good for is ducts.  Did Mr. Duc invent the tape?


“OK, OK good to know.  Can I have some extra Duc’s sauce for my egg roll?”

“Sure, sauce for duck, very good on egg roll.”

Sunday, July 22, 2012



It is Sunday; welcome to Cranky’s weekly stupid headlines and my even stupider, sophomoric and sometimes offensive comments.

Obama reveals his favorite Girl Scout cookie Unlike the Clinton administration, he is talking about a COOKIE!

Married Olympic couple can’t room together, claim discrimination – Couple can’t couple.

Luke Skywalker knocks Romney as ‘not human’ – I try not to get political, but Luke Skywalker is not real.  This comment came from actor Mark Hamill at…are you ready…COMIC-CON.  Can you say LOSER?

Needles found in sandwiches on 4 Delta flights from Amsterdam to US- Airlines apply the standard $25 per needle charge to passengers.

Bible study group reportedly no longer welcome at New Jersey McDonald's – Restaurant says the periodic meetings are clearly a violation if Church and Steak.

10 Tropes About Women That Women Should Stop Laughing AboutWTF is a Trope?

2 Seattle men stopped at border for having illegal chocolate eggs – Eagle eyed border agents stopped the men after spotting the eggs hidden in a 20 lb. bag of cocaine.

Naked Cowboy vs. Naked Indian: Times Square showdown – Are “The Village People” back?

Ford recalls 2013 Escapes; engines can catch fire Ford psychics also warn that the 2015 Ford XT16 SUVS will have braking issues.  Future buyers should expect recalls.

New Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer nabs $71 million pay package – WHAT??  How many homeruns did she hit last year?

Fred Willard busted for alleged lewd conduct at a XXX movie theater – Who knew XXX movie theaters even existed anymore?  Now this I did not make up; the article claims Fred Willard is currently in preproduction of a movie titled…wait for it… “The Yank.”

Mom's nut consumption tied to less allergy in kids Nope! Not with a ten foot pole!
At least 21 treated for burns after trying to walk on coals at Tony Robbins event – Motivational speaker motivates 21 idiots to walk barefoot on hot coals after motivating them to spend big bucks on his motivation speech.  YOU CAN DO IT!...but you probably shouldn’t