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Tuesday, October 4, 2016

The Creepy Old Man

The Creepy Old Man

On the way to the hotel for this years fraternity reunion, Mrs. C wanted to stop at Kohl’s for something.  First she dropped me off at the cigar store about a block away, there may be some scotch and cigars involved at the reunion.  I made my purchase and was off to meet Mrs. C at Kohl’s.

I walked in the store and immediately saw Mrs. C in the check-out line.   I walked over to her, past several people who gave me that “you better not be cutting” fuzzy eyeball.  She did not see me; her back was turned.  As I leaned over to show my face she turned away to look at some merchandise.  At this point I started to reach out and grab her backside on the sly like I sometimes do…hey, I like her backside.

Just before I made contact something seemed wrong.  There were no red stripe highlights in Mrs. Cranky’s jet black hair.  The pants she was wearing did not look familiar.  I was about to say something when Mrs. C turned my way, and it was not Mrs. C!

I have a feeling I may have looked just a little creepy as I mumbled “excuse me” turned on my heels and got out of line.  Now I was looking for Mrs. C and wandering around like someone who does not belong and was only looking for trouble…you know, looking creepy. 

(I’m surprised I didn’t get drawn in magnet like to a certain ex-school teacher named Val who attracts creepy people.)

At this point I realized the store did not look familiar.   I was in T.J. Max not Kohl’s.

I quickly skulked out and I swear I saw several people on their cell phones, no doubt dialing 911.

I moved up one store to Kohl’s and quickly met up with Mrs. C. 

“We need to get out of here right now.”

“OK, I’m done, what’s wrong?”

“A really creepy guy almost grabbed your ass at T.J. Max just a minute ago.”

“What?  I was never in T.J. Max.”

“I was, and I almost grabbed your ass.”

“How could you almost grab my ass if I was not in T.J. Max…oh wait, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?”

“Almost did; I was the creepy guy.”

“Let’s go, you can explain in the car, but I’m pretty sure it is going to end with you being a Jerk!”

And also a creep!


  1. Thank goodness you had restraint at the very last second and it was revealed it wasn't your Mrs. C. That would have been terribly embarrassing indeed!


  2. I'm really glad there are several states between us, weakening the pull of my weirdo magnet.

    1. You two would have gotten together by now, for sure!!

  3. Oh, for the things we almost do. You take the cake, Joe!

  4. And now you have a new name to live up to. I think I prefer jerk to creep! One last thought - how's the eyesight lately?

  5. OMG that was hilarious. Maybe, just to be safe, you should curb your bottom grabbing tendencies in public. Just sayin'.

  6. So funny. I will chucle at this one all day.

  7. Never a dull moment at your house. OMG you're hilarious and then some. I can only imagine your wife calling you one thing or another each and every day. You certainly aren't boring.

    Have a fabulous day Joe. ☺

  8. Man... you missed out on an opportunity to post...

    ...aah fugedabottit!

    it coulda been somethin'

  9. Hi Cranky,

    Dear oh dear!

    I would have loved to have seen that!




  10. Hahaha!

    Why oh why does Mrs. C let you out without a leash baffles me.

    But I'm glad she does!


  11. Hahaha! Think you could get the store security video and post it for our amusement? It would likely go'd be a bigger star than you already are, except creepy instead of cranky. :)

  12. That is delightfully funny. I'm sure you are on videos all over youtube. You may go viral.

  13. It's funny because nothing happened, and i'm sure that next time, you will be more careful!

  14. Some of us old guys never learn!

  15. Lol, the worst I've done is yell a wrong name across an aisle.

  16. Hahaha...reminds me of the time when I caught up with my husband in a crowded place and slid my arm into his. Except it wasn't my husband.