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Sunday, October 2, 2016


This cranky re-run is from September 2013
My cyber friend Scott, who blogs at “Flight Plan,”,  is learning to speak French.  It occurs to me that learning to speak a foreign language is a good idea.  As I get older I need to keep the mind working, I need to exercise the brain. Learning a language might be a good way to work out the old grey matter.
I don’t want to learn French.  I don’t like berets.  I don’t like stinky cheese.  I don’t plan on visiting Paris or Montreal any time soon.

I don’t want to learn Spanish.  I already know all I need to know: No fume, salida, sala los de hombres, cerveza, gracias, no lo se, and por favor.  Well I know these when they are accompanied by little stick figures.

Russian, Chinese, Japanese, Arabic, all of these require learning a new alphabet…I’m not that smart.  Besides, I want to learn a language I can use every day. 

I want to learn the secret language of woman…Womanese.

This language would come in handy in many situations.  Have you ever been at a party where you and your wife chatted for twenty minutes with a perfectly lovely lady only to have your wife comment as you move to another corner of the room,

“What a bitch, do you believe what she said?”

“What? She said it was nice to see you and your hair looks great.”

“First of all, my hair doesn’t look great, so that was just mean; secondly, did you not hear how she said 'it was nice to see me?'  Did you even see her eye brows?  Are you completely oblivious to voice inflections?”

“No, no I didn’t, and yes, yes I am…I do not speak Woman.”

Maybe if I spoke Womanese I would not have been divorced twice.  If I spoke the language I might have known when something I thought was trivial was in actuality really important.  Where I often think, “Why don’t you just tell me what you want,” it has never occurred to me that maybe they are telling me exactly what they want, I just don’t speak the language.

The problem is I don’t know where to find a school or even a book that teaches Womanese.  How do women learn? 

There must be a pamphlet somewhere that teaches “Basic Inflections 101.”

Where do I find “Eye movements, facial expressions, and body language for Dummies?"  It is not sold at Barnes and Noble or Amazon.

How about “Rosetta Stone,” can this program teach me when“You look so pretty” is a good thing, and when it means “F-off bitch?”  Why is “Have you been working out?” sometimes such an awful thing to ask?

There are so many phrases, and so many different meanings; so many inflections, so many facial, shoulder and hand movements.  Every combination of phrase, inflection, and body movement conveys a completely different meaning. How do women learn them all?

Mrs. Cranky told me, “It is really quite easy, I could teach you everything you need to know about speaking Womanese; you just need to learn to listen.”

I wonder what she meant by that...  


  1. I hate to burst your bubble, but men are not genetically able to speak or even understand Womanese!!

  2. Sorry, can't help you.
    I'd like to learn geek speak, people always tell me how to do things on my computer and, whoosh, it goes right over my head.
    British words for things, leave me confused, too.

  3. Probably your best method would be to get born as a woman next time around.

  4. If I were you I'd give up worrying. I mean, it must be very difficult for men to keep up with the intelligence inbred in the female sex. I guess River has the best idea.

  5. Look Joe, it's taking me all my time to teach you proper English (pants are an item of underwear worn UNDER trousers, bonk and gurning to name but a few). Besides, if you learned womanese you'd be less of a jerk and where's the fun in that?

  6. Sorry i won't be of much help, some of the dialects go right past me, too.

  7. I'm not sure I know that language either.

  8. I've often thought my hubs and I speak a different language. He keeps trying to tell me about 'runs batted in' what is that anyway?

  9. You picked the hardest language to learn, but I know you already know that. We are indeed different, but to women so are you. Different that is.

    Have a fabulous day. ☺

  10. I've learned a tiny bit of the Jenn dialect of Womanese, and that's about all I can handle. . .

    Before my first trip to Mexico, I was given the two most important phrases for me to know:

    "Donde esta el bano?" and

    "Dos cervezas, por favor."

  11. The idea for a best seller has just been handed to you. Get Mrs. C to collaborate with you and not only will you benefit but so will every guy that buys your book and every woman they chose to live with.
    Of course, understanding would eliminate a lot of your best posts as you currently struggle.

  12. Hi Cranky,

    I am with you totally on this. One of the most recurring themes on my blog is "How Can I Understand Women?". I'm 54 next week and I have spent approximately 53 years struggling to understand these creatures. I am quite a clever chap but I feel totally thick in this case.

    BTW Seriously, learn a new language. It's fun. I can speak a little French, a little Spanish and a little German. I can ask for beer in Russian, Chinese, Czech and Italian. That's all I need to know.




  13. I don't think many men know "womanese." I for one don't speak it.

  14. i don't want to speak womanese. :)

  15. Hahahahaha. This post just really made me laugh aaannddd I have no answers for you. :)

  16. You have a long way to go, but if you regularly watch "Say Yes to the Dress," you might have your foot in the door as far as a pre-novice class in Womanese is concerned.

  17. You're dancing with the devil mister. I'm stepping away from this one :)

  18. I don 't think any of us guys will live long enough to learn Womanese.

  19. Again you have me laughing out loud, Joe. Good post!

  20. Lerne Deutsch, das ist viel einfacher!