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Wednesday, March 12, 2014


The Cranky’s don’t fly often, maybe twice a year.  We always fly coach, because flying first-class is stupid-expensive.   First class costs a little over 2 ½ times coach. 

Whenever we do fly, we always board after first class.  I hate filing past all those seated smug, rich, fat a-holes who are willing to pay 2 ½ times my fare just to get to the same location.  I feel as I drag my bag through first class that all those smug pricks are purposely looking away, not wanting to be in any way associated with the riff raff, hoi polloi passing by.

They make me sick.

I get it, you’re rich.  You pay 2 ½ times my fare just for bigger seats, free booze, a meal, and nicer peanuts...Jerks!

Last year, around my birthday, we stayed in Aruba for a four day vacation.  We flew coach.  When we arrived in Aruba,  I was starving, and my arthritic hip ached because my seat was so cramped.   I had to pee like a race horse, because every time I started for the lavatory, someone else jumped up and beat me to it.  I was tired, because the passenger next to me kept winning the armrest war, and I couldn’t sleep.  I didn’t complain, because I was so happy to be on a warm inviting island.

When our stay was over, and we headed to the airport for the trip home, I realized that Mrs. Cranky had not got me a present or even a card for my birthday, which was that very day.  When I mentioned this, I was told that when we got on the plane she would give me my present.

Now she had me going.  No matter what I guessed would be my present, she gave me no hint.  I figured it was a special airplane head rest, or a new crossword puzzle book, or maybe a DVD for my laptop.

While in the waiting room, they announced loading for first-class passengers.

“That’s us, let’s go.”

“What?  Not yet, they just called first class.”

“I know, that’s us, Happy Birthday!”

“Get out of town!”

“Yup, I bundled a whole bunch of mile credits, and upgraded to first class.”

I piled onto the plane and marveled at how much room there was in the overhead compartment.  I didn’t have to shift and squeeze our carry-on to make it fit.  I sat down and reveled in the comfy leather seat which provided unlimited leg room, and my own personal arm rests.

When the other passengers were allowed to board, I had to look away.  Such riff raff, why are they even allowed to board through first class…I would have to send a complaint to the airline.

On the return flight I watched a movie, had two soft drinks, a meal and an extra bag of peanuts.  There was no wait for the lavatory, and most of the way I slept like a baby.  When we landed, we deplaned before everyone else.  My hip did not ache, and I was totally rested.

We are going back to Aruba in a few weeks.  We will be flying coach both ways.  I don’t know how I am going to survive the trip with all those common people.


  1. Hilarious. I haven't been on a plane since 2007.

  2. What a perfect gift!!! Must remember that if I ever can talk my hubby into another airplane trip.

  3. Bwahahahahahahahahaha. You described this to a tee. They do look away. They hate us going through their space.

    I'm glad you had the first class experience. Good for you. I've had it once and it was awesome.

    Have a fabulous day. :)

  4. I once heard the woman in the hospital bed behind a curtain say to the attendants, "See, I told you I pee like a racehorse!" Tiny little thing, when I did see her. This racehorse peeing must be something special.

  5. Happy Birthday in advance my friend. Aruba indeed. :) I've never been there but right about now my arthritic him would love to go. I hope you have a blast.. Be nice to all those underprivileged people that don't know what they are missing in first class.

  6. First I must say that you are indeed cranky! And I love it! :-D

    Second, I say yes! yes! yes! to this. I would be delighted to fly first class just once. Maybe twice.

    (Thank you for dropping by Grandma's Briefs. A delight to meet you.)

  7. Mrs. Cranky must be very special! You lucky bastard.

  8. Actually, people who fly 1st class are not flying 1st class because they can afford it. They're flying 1st class because they are treating themselves to luxury they are not used to.

    If they truly had more money than they could spend in a lifetime, they'd a) fly in their own personal jets because they won the lottery and believe this is the way life ought to be, or b) fly coach because they worked long and hard for their money and they aren't spending 2.5 times more than everyone else!

    Never understood the whole 1st class section on planes. As you said, they're all going to the same place. lol

  9. You, my friend, have suffered a tragic fate. Like you, I was once treated to a first-class flight and it ruined me for life because it was a wonderful experience and I'll never be able to do it again.

  10. ahhh, so Mrs Cranky was so sweet to show you the other side? Now you know what you're missing.

    shame that .....

  11. That was a great gift....I am not going to apologize for this but we work hard for the money and when we travel we like to do it in style and usually go first/business class you can never go back once you have f.class. Happy Birthday!

    PS. I never look away I was not raised to be an asshole

  12. Now that was one cool present. What a woman!! Still it might be super hard to go back to coach now that you have tasted the good life.

  13. Let's hope you never have to be rescued from an island in southeast Alaska in a four-seat water-landing float plane. It would make you envy those rich pricks flying coach.

  14. Glad you got to have the first class experience, even though you will miss it on your next flight. I recently heard a very funny comedy routine about the "poor parade" through first class back to coach but your post was just as funny.

  15. Wow! Good one Mrs. Cranky. She knows how to surprise you with a super great present. Kudos.

    Also Happy Birthday and many more. May you win a prize that makes you so rich you can ride in the front of the plane more often.

  16. Great idea, Mrs. Cranky!

    I usually fly Southwest. They don't have first class. They don't even have assigned seating.

    But they have personnel with a wicked sense of humor. They'll make you laugh at your arthritic hip.

  17. I flew economy from Adelaide SA to Perth WA last year and it was okay, but if I ever go again I'm saving more money so I can fly first class. For the space, never mind the rest of the attractions. I like more space.

  18. I've never flown first class because I've never won the lottery. I've traveled to London sardine class, and I agree with you, it's no fun.

  19. Maybe you should never have flown first class - you may be more in satisfied now than ever.
    Like you I've only flown first class once. It was certainly a whole different experience traveling. I'd never pay to go first class because it's ridiculously expensive, but if I was rich I'd definitely fly business class. Coach is worse than it used to be, so uncomfortable. Still, it's nice just to fly somewhere I guess!