CHRISTMAS SMELLS
Christmas is
over this year, I love that holiday, but I won’t miss what comes with Christmas…perfume
commercials.
Is it
per/fume, or par/fum? I don’t get it;
some commercials are hawking perfume and some parfum. I think it is just the price, I think parfum
costs more than perfume. Mrs. Cranky
says parfum is a fancy way of saying toilet water. Shit, I think any name would sound fancier
than toilet water.
What I don’t
understand about these commercials is they don’t seem to try and sell the
smell. Several commercials simply show
some slutty looking skinny model doing that high stepping horsey “My shit don’t
stink” model walk. Why would I want to
buy that parfum?
They need a
caption:
“My shit don’t stink,
but my parfum sure do!”
Another
commercial has a bunch of sailors in an ocean race. They are sweating and being sprayed with salt
water. Mmmm…I have been sailing, I have
gotten sweaty and been covered with salt water spray.
It ain’t
sexy.
Most of the
commercials are for perfumes named after famous sluts. Did they actually create these products? Do they spend hours
experimenting with different scents until they find the one that would be
their signature scent? Why would I
care what Kim or Paris likes?
I think they get
paid millions for smelling a couple of scents and saying, “I like this one the
best…I guess.”
I’ve got a caption for these perfumes:
“If you want to score,
smell like a whore!”
Next year I
think I will market my own brand. I’m going
to buy up gallons of whatever crap one of these loser bimbos can’t unload this
year and bottle it with my own label:
Ewww-De-Grandpaw
For that stalker in
your life
“Ocean air, a touch of sweat, a hint of ripe diaper, and an inkling of old man”
ReplyDeleteYou have captured the essence of advertising, Joe. "Sell the sizzle, not the steak." :)
S
ha ha. brutal honesty in a bottle.
ReplyDeleteJim and I were talking the other night about par/fume commercials and how we just didn't understand them at all. Of course, most par/fume gives me a migraine so I stay away from all that kind of stuff.
ReplyDeletea sentiment after my own heart. have always wanted to market 'fertilizer in a can'- a potpourri of manure in a beer can, just for all those scent lovers out there. 'essence du farm' if you will, with an extra hint of hay.
ReplyDeleteC'mon; you can't smile when Elizabeth Taylor throws her diamonds into the card game.
ReplyDeleteEvery tune I hear it referred to as toilet water I am reminded of a birthday card I saw once:
ReplyDeleteOn the cover -
"I was going to get you some toilet water for your birthday..."
On the inside -
"...but the lid kept falling on my head."
Can I preorder a gallon or two for Bud?
ReplyDeleteI knew that a vase costing more than fifty bucks is a vaaaaaz, but i didn't know price determined the spelling of parfum. Someday I'm gonna be real smart.
ReplyDeleteIf perfume for women is meant to attract men, why is there no bacon-scented version?
ReplyDeleteIf you'll go into the perfume business next year, please make this for women. I'll be happy with just 1% of the proceeds for giving you the idea.
After that we'll talk about mouse-flavored cat food.
I was horrified when my husband got me Victoria Beckham perfume last year - until I tried it and it smells lovely. I've had heaps of compliments on it too, so I guess Ms Beckham really knows her stuff.
ReplyDeleteInstead of a classy parfum, maybe you could come out with your own line of dude candles, like those bacon and sawdust and cut grass and new car kinds of smells.
ReplyDeleteI was given perfume for Christmas, a total of six bottles and three tubes of perfumed lotion.
ReplyDeleteI don't wear perfume....
The ingredients of your new scent sound perfect. I suppose you could also call it Sons of a Beach.
ReplyDelete