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Friday, December 27, 2013




Christmas is over this year, I love that holiday, but I won’t miss what comes with Christmas…perfume commercials.

Is it per/fume, or par/fum?  I don’t get it; some commercials are hawking perfume and some parfum.  I think it is just the price, I think parfum costs more than perfume.  Mrs. Cranky says parfum is a fancy way of saying toilet water.  Shit, I think any name would sound fancier than toilet water.

What I don’t understand about these commercials is they don’t seem to try and sell the smell.  Several commercials simply show some slutty looking skinny model doing that high stepping horsey “My shit don’t stink” model walk.  Why would I want to buy that parfum?

They need a caption:

“My shit don’t stink, but my parfum sure do!”

Another commercial has a bunch of sailors in an ocean race.  They are sweating and being sprayed with salt water.  Mmmm…I have been sailing, I have gotten sweaty and been covered with salt water spray.

It ain’t sexy.

Most of the commercials are for perfumes named after famous sluts.  Did they actually create these products?  Do they spend hours experimenting with different scents until they find the one that would be their signature scent?  Why would I care what Kim or Paris likes?

I think they get paid millions for smelling a couple of scents and saying, “I like this one the best…I guess.”

 I’ve got a caption for these perfumes:

“If you want to score, smell like a whore!”

Next year I think I will market my own brand.  I’m going to buy up gallons of whatever crap one of these loser bimbos can’t unload this year and bottle it with my own label:
“Ocean air, a touch of sweat, a hint of ripe diaper, and an inkling of old man”


For that stalker in your life


  1. “Ocean air, a touch of sweat, a hint of ripe diaper, and an inkling of old man”

    You have captured the essence of advertising, Joe. "Sell the sizzle, not the steak." :)


  2. Jim and I were talking the other night about par/fume commercials and how we just didn't understand them at all. Of course, most par/fume gives me a migraine so I stay away from all that kind of stuff.

  3. a sentiment after my own heart. have always wanted to market 'fertilizer in a can'- a potpourri of manure in a beer can, just for all those scent lovers out there. 'essence du farm' if you will, with an extra hint of hay.

  4. C'mon; you can't smile when Elizabeth Taylor throws her diamonds into the card game.

  5. Every tune I hear it referred to as toilet water I am reminded of a birthday card I saw once:

    On the cover -
    "I was going to get you some toilet water for your birthday..."

    On the inside -
    "...but the lid kept falling on my head."

  6. Can I preorder a gallon or two for Bud?

  7. I knew that a vase costing more than fifty bucks is a vaaaaaz, but i didn't know price determined the spelling of parfum. Someday I'm gonna be real smart.

  8. If perfume for women is meant to attract men, why is there no bacon-scented version?

    If you'll go into the perfume business next year, please make this for women. I'll be happy with just 1% of the proceeds for giving you the idea.

    After that we'll talk about mouse-flavored cat food.

  9. I was horrified when my husband got me Victoria Beckham perfume last year - until I tried it and it smells lovely. I've had heaps of compliments on it too, so I guess Ms Beckham really knows her stuff.

  10. Instead of a classy parfum, maybe you could come out with your own line of dude candles, like those bacon and sawdust and cut grass and new car kinds of smells.

  11. I was given perfume for Christmas, a total of six bottles and three tubes of perfumed lotion.

    I don't wear perfume....

  12. The ingredients of your new scent sound perfect. I suppose you could also call it Sons of a Beach.