Headlines 051312

Headlines 051312

I know it’s Mother’s Day, but it is also Sunday, time for Cranky’s silly headlines and my stupid, sophomoric and sometimes offensive comments.

Missouri woman admits plotting to kill her husband with her pastor – Poison…Gunshot…Push off a cliff…but death by Pastor?  What a horrible thought!

Fla. teacher arrested for sex with teen – So in Florida they arrest teachers in order to have sex with a teen?  Are handcuffs involved?
 
Female Breasts Are Bigger Than Ever, But Under Threat - I am ready to defend them…where do I sign up?

Dinosaurs 'gassed' themselves into extinction, British scientists say – So without Beano, there be no dinosaurs?

Secret Pork Recipe: Worth $1.8 Million? – Just what kind of pork are we talking about here?  The pig or the verb? 

Worker jumps into vat of acid to save colleague – Incredibly brave, or incredibly stupid…you make the call.

Red tape twister? Alabama county blocked from putting up signs directing people to tornado shelter – Tornados might rip up signs and make them a hazard.

CIA thwarts Al Qaeda underwear bomb plot near anniversary of bin Laden's death – Bastards! Now I’ll have to take off my shoes and my underwear before boarding a plane. 

Colorado lawmakers reach impasse on civil unions – This is a very tough subject.  I have been married three times; my first two were never civil!

Don't say 'obese'... you might upset fat people, councils have been warned

• Instead, they are people who need to 'achieve a healthier weight' – British Government also suggest not using the terms “Big Belly Blubber Butt,” “Porker,” “Fat Bastard,” “Bloated Disgusting Tub of Lard,” and “Pudgy.”

Alaska man plans year on uninhabited island – Wouldn’t living there make it inhabited?  I’m just sayin!

Lack of babies could mean the extinction of the Japanese people – First the Bald Eagle, then the Polar Bear, now the Japanese People…when will it end?

Marty K. has quadruple bypass, he is recovering nicely, is talking and is apparently still as cantankerous as ever! – This is really good news, Marty is my Fraternity Brother and fellow “Fisher with Frog.” Get well soon you old fart!!

 Marty K.