YOU MAY BE GUILTY IF….
It seems to me that juries today are not very good at recognizing when someone is guilty of a crime. Juries use a standard of “must be guilty beyond any shadow of a doubt.” The standard is “guilty beyond a REASONABLE doubt.” In order to help future juries reach correct conclusions I am offering CRANKY’S CRITERIA FOR A GUILTY VERDICT, or you may be guilty if:
YOU MAY BE GUILTY IF:
You wear baggy pants and your underwear are showing.
You wear a hat with the peek turned over to your ear.
You pronounce “police” as Po’leese. If you pronounce the plural of police is Po’leeses you are definitely guilty.
Your eyes are constantly at half mast.
You have “crazy” bug eyes.
You wait one month before reporting your three-year-old daughter missing.
You plead “I ain’t do nothin” instead of “Not guilty.”
Your alibi is you were too drunk to remember.
You “Was at my mom house at the time.”
You decided to leave the country at the spur of the moment in a white bronco; you left buckets of the victim’s blood all over your house, driveway, and gloves, or you wear Bruno Magli shoes and a hoodie.
I believe if judges would read these criteria of guilt to all juries our justice system would be vastly improved.