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Wednesday, December 28, 2011



As I get older and I realize my time above ground is limited, I reflect on my life and wonder….am I going to Heaven or Hell?
The problem is I don’t really know what the rules are.  Sure the major religions all claim they know the rules, but do they? And, does God take sides?  Surely if I lead a good life I won’t be sent to Hell just because I did not face Mecca and say “Ooga booga” six times a day, or just because I ate pork.

Who goes to Hell?  I gotta think Hitler went to Hell.  Who goes to Heaven?  Surely Mother Theresa is in Heaven.  What about those in between?  What are the rules? 

I guess if the rules were hard and fast, those who go over the line would know there was no turning back and just keep on sinning. 

I think God wants us to have the chance for a do-over.  Catholics believe in the do-over in the form of “confession.”  Is that really fair?  Could Hitler have merely gone to confession and got a pass?

“Bless me Father for I have sinned.”

“What are your sins my son?”

“I killed nine million people Father.”

“Oh my, that is bad.  Were they Jews?”

“Yes Father.”

“Well then, say 150,000 Hail Mary’s and stop killing Jews.”

“Yes Father and thank you.”

I know I have not led a perfect life, but I am no Hitler, I think I should not go to Hell.  Then again I am no Mother Theresa, should I go to Heaven?  There must be some compromise.  The gap is too large, the consequences too dire for this to be a pass/fail system.

“What is it Saint Pete, up or down?”

“Hmmm Joe you look pretty good…wait….I see you egg bombed Mrs. Krances House when you were ten….I’m sorry, you are going down.”

“With Hitler?”

“Yes, sorry, it was a close call.  Say hello to Saddam and George Carlin.”

“George Carlin?  He was so funny.”

“Yes, but that seven words thing.  It was another close call.”

There must be an in-between.  Mother Theresa deserves steak and lobster, Hitler deserves dog shit.  I think I should at least get “The Olive Garden” and pasta with Asiago cheese.  

I think maybe the in-betweeners have to do some time in Hell and then go to Heaven, but not first class Heaven.  Maybe I could do two weeks in “Toys are Us” on Christmas Eve and then make tourist class Heaven.

Whatever the requirements, a “C” average or above, pass/fail, or a quota system, it is probably too late for me to make any major changes.  I plan to try not to be mean, not kill anyone and hope I can plead a case with the life I’ve led so far.

And I thought final exams in college were important.


  1. Ok Cranky, some details. Confession isn't like that. You have to REPENT and truly change your ways. Not just say "I'm sorry." Also, Catholics believe in Purgatory as a place to fine-tune tings before Heaven. Makes sense since we are all flawed and nothing but perfection belongs in Heaven. Some people think Earth is Purgatory. I don't know. I am Catholic and I still have my doubts about all this stuff.

  2. A C average ... that's very good!! Hell might be more fun, no?I love your blog - and I am adding you to my "real" list of blogs I follow - damn good stuff!!

  3. Great post Cranky and who's to say really? God is all loving and forgiving, yet according to some priests, ministers and clergy- you should be afraid, very afraid of Him. Oh and please send a check for a large amount made out to Me if you want to see the Pearly Gates. LOL!

  4. So *you're* the one who egg bombed my house???????? From Mrs Krance