HOW I WILL SPEND 950 MILLION DOLLARS
I fully expect to win the 1.5 billion dollar lottery tonight. That will be, I am told, almost 950 million dollars after taxes. Having that much money is quite a responsibility, so I need to plan early how I will spend it.
First I will put 1 million dollars into ten different banks for safe keeping.
Next I will invest 25 million in the stock market.
Third I will buy a large house in Hawaii.
Fourth I will give all my children, step children and grandchildren 1 million dollars.
Fifth I will give Bobby Billinsby a quarter, after I spit on it. You know why Bobby!
Sixth I will give all nephews and my niece, who still call me Uncle Joe 1 million dollars, those who just call me Joe will only get $500,000.
Seventh I will set up a trust fund to send left handed high school boys who are lousy spellers but do not have any marks on their permanent record to college.
This will leave me with approximately 900 million dollars with which I have no idea what to do.
Just thinking of what to do with the extra 900 million is giving me a headache.
What to do, what to do? Nine hundred million dollars, that is a lot of responsibility. People will be knocking on my Hawaiian door, right handed high school kids will claim to be left-handed, my relatives will all become lazy and everyone else will hate me.
Screw it, I can’t take the pressure. I’m not buying a ticket. I’m going to wait till the lottery drops down to a manageable 10 million dollar winnings.
I probably wouldn’t have won anyway.