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Monday, June 16, 2014

SOCCER NEEDS TO BE CHANGED - a cranky re-run

This re-run is from July 2011.  The 2014 World Cup starts for the USA today
and I will be watching even without these changes.
I just finished watching the USA beat France in the women’s World Cup semi-finals.  This was an exciting game, and I am almost becoming a soccer fan.  To complete the transition and turn myself and most of the USA into genuine soccer fans there needs to be some fundamental changes to this sport.

1.     The name should officially be changed from football to Soccer.  The “real” game of football involves pads, and 300 pound men hitting each other.  Every single play in the real FOOTBALL involves what would be at least 22 fouls in soccer.

2.    There is not enough scoring in soccer.  Americans cannot deal with 2-1 as a final score, or a team running out the clock after scoring a goal in the first minute of a game.

To add scoring:

A.       The off-sides penalty needs to be eliminated.  No one in this country understands this rule anyway, it causes too much controversy and it reduces scoring.

B.        Enlarge the size of the goal.  When was the goal size determined, 200 years ago?  Players are bigger.  Make the goal bigger.  I suggest adding one yard (that’s right, yard not meter) to the height and two yards to the width of the goal.  Let’s see some scoring from thirty yards out!

3.     Fouls should be limited to kicking a player above the knee, tackling from behind, and grabbing with the hands.  Faking an injury to draw a foul is annoying.  Players who go down and seem to be hurt must get up and limp for three minute of play or be ejected for faking.  Players guilty of a hand ball must wear hand-cuffs for five minutes. 

4.    Card colors for fouls are confusing.  They need to be replaced by two signs:  “That’s One” and “You’re Outta Here!”  

5.    Players should wear leather protective head gear.  I am tired of saying “Damn that’s gotta hurt!”

6.    Throw-ins should not require a sissy two handed over-head delivery.

7.  Add time-outs, five per half.  Two per team and one TV time-out.  I hate having to go to the bathroom and missing a goal. 

8.    Finally, what the fuck is with the clock?  Why run for 90 minutes and then tack on stoppage time?  If play requires stoppage time….STOP THE FLIPPING CLOCK!!  Why do we have to guess?  And for Christmas sake START AT 90 MINUTES and run to ZERO!  What other sport’s clock starts at ZERO?  I want to know how much time is left without doing the math.

Just make these few simple changes and SOCCER will become a popular sport in the USA. 

What the hell does the rest of the world know?



    The offsides rule in soccer is, IMVHO, the main reason it has never gained success here. Remove that one rule and scoring will increase by a couple of goals a game.

  2. No, no, NO Joe - I can't agree - it's FOOTBALL plain and simple (that padded up stuff is something else entirely - not sure what but it's NOT football!) - I'm with you on the clock thing though, extra time is SO stressful!

  3. Amen Brother Joe! I'd take it a step further and suggest the rest of the world adopt our football. On second thought, they probably couldn't because they'd have a hard time finding guys big enough to play in the line. And since they have been raised from birth playing a game that penalizes the use of hands, it would be hard to find receivers, their upper flippers being so under-developed. 'Course, they could probably kick field goals from 80 yards out but where's the excitement in that? And finding someone able to throw an 60 yard (yard, not meter!) spiral....ha!....good luck. I guess the rest of the world will just have to continue to be amazed by our magnificent game. :)


  4. since i don't watch soccer, i'll have to take your word for these irritations. :) however, as for your first point in american football being the real football, i heartily disagree. soccer uses FEET. football rarely ever does!

  5. I know nothing about soccer. So if you say so.

  6. I totally agree. My addition would be to get rid of the person standing in front of the net to keep the ball from going in. That's called goaltending in basketball and the offended team is awarded two points.

    But I'm agreeing with TexWisGirl about the name. Maybe we should re-name our football concussion ball.

  7. I don't watch any sports so what do I know. I know you are smart so I'm going to take your word on all these suggestions.

    Have a fabulous day. :)

  8. I don't know much about old rules of Soccer, but if no one is getting hurt, there is no reason not to try new rules, eh?

  9. I like that handcuff suggestion.

  10. we only call it soccer 'cause of a bunch of wanker Brits who coined the word. football is a far better term for soccer and American football is poorly named at best. I mean, the kicking is almost obsolete in this day and age. You sure you wouldn't prefer something more apropos like Crunch? or maybe Concuss? Then again, maybe we should just go with the version we had growing up and call it Kill the Guy with The Ball! Oh wait, that's gonna drive the PC police nuts.

    So much the better.


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