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Sunday, December 2, 2012

Stupid Headlines 120212


Stupid Headlines 120212
Sunday! Time for the headlines of the week and my stupid, sophmoric and sometimes offensive comments.
 

Man Arrested After Telling Kids Santa Isn't Real – “Yes Virginia, there is a St. Dick!”

Photo of Titanic Iceberg Up for Sale – If you’re interested I’ve got a cup of water from the melted iceberg that sunk the Titanic, sure it’s real, I got it out of the Atlantic!

Chinese paper congratulates Kim Jong Un on being named ‘Sexiest Man Alive’ by the Onion- “The Onion?”  Is that a satirical paper?
 

You be the judge!
Doesn’t tighten my shorts, but then I’m a guy so…

All items in '12 Days of Christmas' now top $107K – I guess Mrs. Cranky is going to have to do without the “geese a laying” this year!

Kim Kardasian’s Skirt Causes Outrage – Don’t blame the messenger!

 

Two words Kim: Underwear and Stairmaster



Woman who thinks she has kidney infection is actually in labor – This is really not that hard to believe…I once thought I was in labor,  but it turned out to be a kidney infection.

Scientist claims to have sequenced ‘Bigfoot’ DNA If no one has taken a picture of Bigfoot in over 60 years of concentrated effort how the heck did this dude manage to get a swab in Bigfoot’s mouth?

College: Students Can’t Sell “Christmas” Trees Trees must be sold as “Holiday Trees.”

How about, “These Holiday Trees are especially suited for display on or before December 25, but they have no religious meaning whatsoever as that would interfere with the doctrine of separation of church and state, so these are in no way Christmas Trees they are Holiday Trees which will not be sold after December 25th because traditionally Holiday Trees do not sell very well after that date.

RT- This blog is in no way supported by any government institution so:
CHRISTMAS, CHRISTMAS, CHRISTMAS, JESUS, JESUS, JESUS, GOD, GOD, GOD

 
No Person Got Shot, Stabbed, Slashed, or Murdered in NYC Monday – I guess we need some more violence on TV.

5 Things You Should Know About Gay Conversion Therapy – It doesn’t work; It doesn’t work; It doesn’t work, It doesn’t work; What the frick do you think you are curing anyway? Oh…and It doesn’t work.

Dozens in New Jersey sickened by hazardous gas after train derailment – Come on! These people must have been from out of state.  Hazardous gas in New Jersey?  Have you ever driven through exit 13?
 

State to Eliminate “Bride” & “Groom” on Marriage CertificatesWashington State to replace them with Person A and Person B…anti-alphebetarians hold protest!

Judge rules atheist court case seeking removal of Jesus statue meant as World War II memorial near Montana ski resort can continue – Resort plans to rename likeness of Jesus with a ski helmet - FRED…wink, wink “We know it is really Jesus,” resort owner says.
 
Skiers surround statue of Fred (It’s really Jesus)

Harvard to welcome kinky sex club for students – Club will be called “The Scull and Boner Society.”

Vermont newspaper defends decision to hire sex offender as reporter- Paper claims no other candidate had his extensive knowledge of girl’s junior high volleyball.

 

AND A SPECIAL SUNDAY EDITION OF TODDLER TALK:

Toddler talk quiz for today from (whom else, Connor)

– “Menowa mik shit!”

14 comments:

  1. More good news for Kim Jong Un....He's been named the celebrity spokesperson for Supercuts.

    Toddler Talk Quiz..."The contractor is here." :)

    S

    ReplyDelete
  2. Toddler talk:
    "I don't want to mix it"
    (me no wanna mix it)

    This is a hard one. I'm probably way off but that's my best attempt. I'm picturing a toddler in front of a glass of chocolate milk or something, being told to mix in the chocolate syrup. I know my kids don't always like to mix it - they like the concentrated chocolate!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Yeesh. . . I guess I can never go to Australia now, if a small package can get you arrested. . .

    And jeez, those Harvard kids. . . they gotta have a club for kinky sex? Does the university provide the whips & chains? And what about kinky 'holiday' sex? Can they say "Jesus!" when they, uh, climax?

    ReplyDelete
  4. Re the picture of Kim Jong Un--Oh, baby, oh baby!!

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  5. oh my word! thanks for the raunchy laughs today! :)

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  6. Definitely some funny Sunday Headliners. Hopefully the guy who told the kids there isn't any Santa isn't set for execution. :)

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  7. Kim Kardasian has a lot more than just junk in her trunk. yikes. Kim Jong Un, oh baby, he's hot.....not. Plus his name sounds like a porn star name. Oops good thing I don't live in China. I could be decapitated for that one.

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  8. I do look forward to Stupid Headlines. Almost makes the end of the weekend okay. Almost.

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  9. I love stupid headline Sundays! You should never stop this post! :)

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  10. Kim is the family name... right?

    So Kardashian is related to Jong Un and the rest of those Kims over there in the Hermit Kingdom... right?

    That explains a lot.

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  11. I think that Kim Jong Un is one sexy guy! OMG---Sign me up for that Despot Sex Conversion Therapy.

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  12. Person A and Person B on a marriage certificate, so would person B still be the Bride?

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  13. These are so awesome. I had read the Kim Jong/Onion article in our local newspaper - it was hilarious!

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  14. As to the '5 Things You Should Know About Gay Conversion Therapy' I have it on eminent authority that it does work since an acquaintance of mine took the treatment.
    He relates this story of it:
    'I went to my doctor very concerned that I had an attraction to other men and I was unwilling to admit I was gay. The doctor told me about the treatment and said that it came in three levels, depending on the severity of the case. I agreed to undergo the first level treatment.
    My doctor asked me to remove my trousers and underwear as for a prostate examination. he then took a device somewhat similar to a baseball bat (in fact I'm convinced it was a baseball bat) and inserted it in my rectum before twisting it several times. "There now that should do the trick. See how it goes and if you feel the need come back for the second treatment."

    All went well for several weeks but again I started to feel the attraction to other men and went back for the second treatment.

    "This treatment is rather more severe," the doctor said and proceeded to wrap sandpaper around his device before repeating his earlier actions. Ouch!

    The second treatment was very effective and it was a couple of months before I worked up the courage to go back for the third treatment when my feelings returned.

    The doctor now wrapped that wire stuff around the baseball bat. You know that wire with spikes sticking out... The stuff to keep cows fenced in...

    That spiky steel wire...

    Oh! You've had the third treatment too!

    ReplyDelete

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