THE CRANKY OLD MAN
Random thoughts and stuff from a cranky old man. Humor (maybe)and satire, mostly stuff from a confused head.
I intend for this blog to be non-political. If I offer a political statement, rebuttals are permitted, however this blog is not for the unsolicited political opinions of others and as such those comments will be deleted and not published.
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Tuesday, December 18, 2012
CHRISTMAS LETTERS - a Cranky re-run
This post is from my unpublished book
“I Used to be Stupid”.It seemed too
appropriate at this time of year to hold off until I raise the cash to publish
for the sixteen people who will buy the book.
Hey…Suldog does it!
It’s the day
after Thanksgiving and already I have received my first Christmas Letter.These letters are all the same and always
leave me depressed.
Mary and Bob have had another fantastic year.Bob made Vice President of his father’s accounting firm and it came with
a huge raise which enabled Mary and Bob to take two fabulous weeks in Tahiti,
which apparently everyone has just got to experience.
this year’s top Tupperware salesperson in the region and received an opaque
Cadillac Escalade as an award.
Maggie is all grown up and plans to spend the next six months touring Europe
before she begins her residency in pediatric surgery at Johns Hopkins.
opted for Stanford this fall, where he received a full athletic scholarship
after he was named all-state in soccer his senior year in High School.
Ralphie is a
sophomore in High School this year where he hopes to maintain his 4.2
average.He just loves his advanced
If that is
not enough I was just overjoyed to learn that their toy poodle Toto won a blue
ribbon at this year’s county fair for “sweetest pet”.I think Mary’s little knit doggy panties
helped steer the judge’s decision; apparently they were just too cute!
year has been pretty good, but this letter has once again made me feel like
shit!Thanks for the “Merry Christmas
and prosperous New Years wish” Mary and Bob.I may just celebrate with a dozen sleeping pills and a hot bath.
By the way,
I don’t even know who the HELL Mary and Bob are!!
Just once I
would like to receive a Christmas letter like this:
Holidays to all!
the entire Hosenpfeffer clan has had an eventful year. Tom started a new career
after being unemployed for eight months.After six weeks he has already been given a promotion to chief fry cook
in the 11-6 AM evening shift.We are all
I would also
like to announce that although I feared Tom has a drinking problem, this is not
the case.Tom has no problem drinking at
all; in fact he is quite good at it.
Bamby is a freshman in High school and I swear she is the most popular girl in
her class.She has a date almost every
night and on weekends she often goes out with three or more different boys.You would think her school work would suffer
for all that activity, but apparently all the time she spends with that nice
young Vice Principal after school is paying off.
doing very well in Football this year and might even get a scholarship to State
next fall.To think he was such a skinny
little boy until he started taking those vitamin shots twice a day.Now he is just so big and strong I hardly
recognize him.The sudden unfortunate
case of acne and strangely new Neanderthal-like eye brow also is hard to get
used to.He says it is just the
dropped out of college, but he is doing quite well in his own business.He is cleaning up selling little packs of
oregano.Apparently High School kids
just can’t get enough of it.I think
they put it on their pizza.
It has been
a good year for me as well.I was
elected president of the trailer park association and I am also chairperson of
the committee to clean up the park’s dog doo.Next year I hope to recruit other members to help me in the clean up.
dog doo we recently acquired a rescue pit bull.She is such a sweet girl, she just loves to have you rub her belly and
scratch behind her ears, but god help anyone who tries to mess with Tom Jr’s
it from the Hosenpfeffers; hope you all have a Merry Christmas, and a happy and
healthy New Year!