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Tuesday, December 4, 2012

HEAVEN or HELL - another Cranky re-run


As I get older and I realize my time above ground is limited, I reflect on my life and wonder….am I going to Heaven or Hell?

The problem is I don’t really know what the rules are.  Sure the major religions all claim they know the rules, but do they? And, does God take sides?  Surely if I lead a good life I won’t be sent to Hell just because I did not face Mecca and say “Ooga booga” six times a day, or just because I ate pork.

Who goes to Hell?  I gotta think Hitler went to Hell.  Who goes to Heaven?  Surely Mother Theresa is in Heaven.  What about those in between?  What are the rules? 

I guess if the rules were hard and fast, those who go over the line would know there was no turning back and just keep on sinning. 

I think God wants us to have the chance for a do-over.  Catholics believe in the do-over in the form of “confession.”  Is that really fair?  Could Hitler have merely gone to confession and got a pass?

“Bless me Father for I have sinned.”

“What are your sins my son?”

“I killed nine million people Father.”

“Oh my, that is bad...Were they Jews?”

“Yes Father.”

“Well then, say 150,000 Hail Mary’s...and stop killing Jews.”

“Yes Father and thank you.”

I know I have not led a perfect life, but I am no Hitler, I think I should not go to Hell.  Then again I am no Mother Theresa, should I go to Heaven?  There must be some compromise.  The gap is too large, the consequences too dire for this to be a pass/fail system.

“What is it Saint Pete, up or down?”

“Hmmm Joe you look pretty good…wait….I see you egg bombed Mrs. Krances House when you were ten….I’m sorry, you are going down.”

“With Hitler?”

“Yes, sorry, it was a close call.  Say hello to Saddam and George Carlin.”

“George Carlin? But he was so funny?”

“Yes, but it was that seven words thing.  It was another close call.”

There must be an in-between.  Mother Theresa deserves steak and lobster, Hitler deserves dog shit.  I think I should at least get “The Olive Garden” and pasta with Asiago cheese.  

I think maybe the in-betweeners have to do some time in Hell and then go to Heaven, but not first class Heaven.  Maybe I could do two weeks in “Toys are Us” on Christmas Eve and then make tourist class Heaven.

Whatever the requirements, a “C” average or above, pass/fail, or a quota system, it is probably too late for me to make any major changes.  I plan to try not to be mean, not kill anyone and hope I can plead a case with the life I’ve led so far.

And I thought final exams in college were important.

I will be off for four days on vacation at Disney World.  Mrs. Cranky and our friend love all things not so much.  I will be spending lots of time at the pool with my Nook.


  1. I heard they have some great beer gardens at hell on earth world! Happiest place in the world my

  2. Cranky, I laughed all the way to the end. Man, you know the rules already. Get your house in order and you can join the parade of saints; it's never too late. Unless, you are not really repentant!

  3. Somewhere between heaven and hell? Ummm...wouldn't that be New Jersey?

    Disney thanks. Too many kids there, and Cranky Old Men. :)


  4. Oh Lord, have mercy. . .

    I consider who God is, and then I consider who I am. . . and then I think, Oh Lord, have mercy. . .

    I read something interesting once, I think from CS Lewis - "Heaven is for those who say to God, 'Thy will be done'; Hell is for those to whom God says, 'Thy will be done'". . .

  5. Hilarious posting! I guess if you're right and there is an "in between" hoping they have a pizza joint! :) Hope ya have a great vacation too!

  6. My big worry is what I'll do if I get to the Pearly Gates and Saint Peter looks like a mosquito. I'd be in big trouble--I've squished a lot of mosquitoes.

  7. 'Course, just between you and me, "less evil than Hitler" is setting the bar kinda low. . .

    An' if Carlin is in trouble (I don't know one way or the other, but, you know, if he is), I'd guess it'd have less to do with the 'Seven Words' thing, than with the 'There is No F---ing God!' bits of his later years. . . 'Course, I'm not God either, an' I'll let him keep His own counsel on such matters. . .

    I mean, I've got enough to think about with my own eternal destiny, let alone someone else's. . .


  8. There'd better be dogs & po\izza in heaven or I'm not going!!

  9. I meant PIZZA--I must be hungry!

  10. I love this Cranky. I've wondered the same things at times. I'm pretty average as well.

    Have a fabulous day. :)

  11. I love this! "It was that seven words thing." ha ha ha ha ha!!!! "Toys R Us on Christmas Eve." ha ha ha ha ha!!!! Saw your link on Sandee's page when she posted her "Heaven or Hell" post. Hope you don't mind that I stopped by. I hope your vacation in Disney World leaned more towards Heaven than Hell, lol.