HEADLINES 040312

HEADLINES  040112 040212 040312

You think I would forget my weekly Headlines Post?  It is a day 2 days late, but here are my silly Headlines for the week and my stupid, sophomoric and occasionally offensive comments:

U.S. Rep. Brad Miller: ‘If Duke was playing the Taliban, I’d have to pull for the Taliban’ – The Taliban would definably be the underdogs since their 6’5” center was put on permanent disability by the Navy Seals.

New York City bans mention of dinosaurs, dancing, birthdays and more on student tests – If there were 15 kids at a birthday party and Barney the dinosaur danced with eight of them how many….oh I can’t use that…sorry.

'Aggressive' parents force cancellation of Colorado town's Easter Egg hunt – See what happens when they keep score.

Bride Postpones Wedding So Pet Lizard George Can Get Chemotherapy - Thought long and hard on this one but…I got nothing (A Whoop-Tee-Doo will be rewarded to anyone with a clever comment.)

Russian hopefuls wrestle for Olympic Gold – I think they should earn the gold like every other countries athletes.   

More cowbell! Vermonters planning world’s largest cowbell ensemble- Wow! And people thought Woodstock was wild.

Americans angry with Obama over gas prices – They also want lower prices on coffee, orange juice and movie tickets.  “What the hell did we elect the guy for?”

Apollo 11 Booster Found by Amazon's Jeff Bezos – Soon to be offered on-line: 2 for $39.99

An eagle, fox and two cats hang out peacefully on Alaska woman’s porch- So the eagle turns to the fox and says. “Even though I think you’re foxy and those two look like cool cats, I don’t think this place is for the birds so I'm gonna fly.”  (OK, that’s lame, submit a better one and win a Whoop-Tee-Doo)

Canada to pull the penny from circulation – They’ll have to find it first!

California woman blames McDonald's for forcing her into prostitution- “You want arise with that?”  Woman also sues Mayor McSleeze and Ronald McPimp.  

Related Stories: For a good time call “Wendy’s” / Lowest prices at Way Too “Friendly’s” / Cum into “Jack-in-the-Box” (that one is a little too crude sorry...it's the Tourettes)

Kashmir activist sentenced to 2 years in Virginia – Originally was sentenced to 2 years in New Jersey, but he got the lesser sentence by accepting a plea.

Mother faces contempt, jail for baptizing children – A quick sprinkle is recommended; a three minute dunk might be misinterpreted by the law.

William Ayers: 'I get up every morning thinking ... today I'm gonna end capitalism' – “But then I get a headache trying to figure out how to price all that shit.”