This blog is now sugar FREE, fat FREE, gluten FREE, all ORGANIC and all NATURAL!!

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

YOUTH SPORTS COACHES – cont. from yesterday

YOUTH SPORTS COACHES – cont. from yesterday

Sam Shapasshole

The last time I ever failed to step backward fast enough resulted in my coaching AA Little League baseball.  These were eight and nine year old children.  Few could hit the ball or throw worth a hoot.  Some could catch a fly ball. 

RT - Apparently there is a portion of a child’s brain which allows them to properly judge the closing distance of an object in motion.  This part of the brain does not fully develop for most children until the age of nine-and-one-half.  This is why most eight year olds try and catch a ball by sticking their glove out and turning their head away.  Most kids really should not start to play baseball until age ten.

My first duty as coach was to choose a team of fourteen kids from a list of 120 children of whom I knew maybe 20.  I then called the parents to notify them their child was on my team.

My very first call was to the father of my second to last pick, Sam Shapasshole (name slightly modified to protect anyone named Shapirole).  When I told Sam’s dad his son was on my AA team he went ballistic.  WHAT? Sam is 10 he should be in AAA!! (Sam was close to ten but he was in fact nine).  YOU do something right now to get him in the right league!!"

I calmly directed him to the league president to straighten out his issue.

Sam ended up on my team.

That season:

Sam did not like his uniform number.  Mommy and daddy (both short fat loud annoying pieces of shit) were not happy.

Sam’s pants were too big.  (Mommy and daddy had picked them out.)

Sam lost his hat.  (Three times.)

Sam wanted to pitch.

Sam didn’t want to pitch

Sam could not wear his hat correctly (brim facing forward.  My only rule.)

I was informed that Sam was A.D.D. so I needed to treat him special!! (Thirteen other kids on the team were daydreamers with a short attention span…oh they were NINE YEAR OLD BOYS!)

Sam lost our catcher’s mitt which cost me $75.  (He refused to catch…don’t ask.)

Sam’s parents left the game and did not pick him up for 15 minutes after the game was over.  (It was OK; I had nothing better to do!)

After the last game of the season, Sam’s dad offered me two tickets he got free from work to that day’s Yankee game.  I said I might be interested.  He then told me he only wanted $30 apiece for them.  It was at that point that I told him, “You know what…Go Fuck yourself!”

(Well I wanted to tell him that)

The next year at the AAA championship game (I was just a spectator) Sam’s dad got thrown off the field by the league president for taunting the umpire, a twelve year old kid. 

(What class!)

He also ran for Mayor of the town that year.  He received 8 votes.

The next time you read about insensitive over-zealous horrible parents who coach youth sports please think of Mr. Shapasshole.

(Name slightly modified to protect anyone named Shapirole)

Note: If anyone named Shapasshole wants to sue me for slander I have about 150 witnesses to the above behavior. 

You are a turd!

(I have no witnesses that you are a turd, sue me for that.)



  1. You certainly have been tested out there on the playing field. It's a wonder anyone volunteers to coach these days.

  2. I have heard similar horror stories from a friend who coached boys hockey........

    You may get a star in your crown, but please do step back faster from now on.

  3. Thx Lo, but just to be clear, I was never a very good coach.

    Tomorrow's post is dedicated to two very good youth coaches.


  4. Still and all you deserve a medal, Cranky! (Ho, ho, ho -- 8 votes!!)

  5. The parents are the worst in every sport or hobby the little ones choose to do. If the kids try- it wasn't good enough, if the coaches step in, they are blamed for something. Rare it is, to see the parents sit back, smile, enjoy the game and ask if the kid had fun. It is not about fun. Not to the parents.

    When I played sports, I was the kid getting threatened to be thrown out by umpires for questioning their calls, telling the coach to pull their damn daughter because she sucks as a pitcher and a few other things I won't mention. Benched once or twice, but I was one of the best players they had. Not just my opinion either. Play hard or go the fuck home!

    Looking forward to tomorrows post. I had a few coaches who ROCKED it in a big way. Love them for it!

  6. Problem is, if we ban parents from attending they will discourage their kids participation.

    IMHO, Far better for the sporting committee to ask the parents to attend a 'please explain' board meeting and ban the kids participation until they do attend.

  7. That's the second time this week I've seen the word @$$#0LE used in a blog (or comment). At least this time it wasn't referring to me.

  8. My husband, the Scoutmaster (also a volunteer position) has some great stories as well.