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Wednesday, March 14, 2012

THE BATHROOM SCALE

THE BATHROOM SCALE
The last time I went to the doctor I was surprised to find I had gained 15 pounds in just a few months.  I generally gain a few pounds in the winter, it is a genetic survival thing.  The extra weight in the winter protects me from extreme cold, and in case I get stranded in a blizzard I can live off my stored fat for days.

I generally gain about five pounds in preparation for potential winter related emergencies.  Gaining 15 pounds has me concerned.  Surviving a stranding in a blizzard is great, but popping a blood vessel because of approaching obesity is not a reasonable trade off.

My increase in weight should not have surprised me.  Normally putting on clothes that no longer fit is a red flag that you are gaining weight.  In my new occupation, doing nothing, I do not wear different clothes that often.  I have three pairs of comfort pants which, as they are worn often, tend to stretch with my increased girth.  The visit to the doctor’s scale was an eye opener.

I have since been trying to watch what I eat, and I think I have lost a few pounds.  To confirm this I could either try on a pair of pants that I haven’t worn for months, or test myself on our bathroom scale.

This is a scale that I did not know existed.  I found it pushed under a cabinet.  It was just what I needed to keep a check on my poundage.  I stepped on the scale and low and behold I have lost fifteen pounds since my visit to the doctor two weeks ago. 

Astounding!

It was astounding until I leaned on the scale a little to the left.  Oops!  I have gained 15 pounds from my doctor visit.  I leaned to the right and I was now 30 pounds less than when I was weighed at the doctor’s.  I found that with minor weight shifts on this scale I could vary my condition from morbidly obese to border-line anorexia.

I told Mrs. Cranky I was going to make an executive decision and buy a bathroom scale that actually works.

“What’s wrong with that scale?”

“Are you kidding?  It is only accurate to within 100 pounds!”

“Not if you know where to stand on it.  I just shift my weight until it stops where I want it.”

Mrs. Cranky is a smart lady.  She knows every popular song for the last 60 years and can tell you who sang it.  She can recite verbatim from about 50 different movies, is a PC trouble shooting master, and has a wealth of knowledge on a variety of topics. 
Somehow the logic train never stopped at her station.

I’m going to buy a new scale.     

7 comments:

  1. lol, good one. I've gained weight too and am accepting that it is part of middle agee. don't matter squat what we eat! I still get the tummy. Enjoy good meals, and frankly, I'd prefer the broken scale. thanks for linking up on our weds hop this week -- missed you last week, Cranky as I remember!

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  2. I gained 5 pounds over the holidays! I already lose it since the new years.

    Dan the Mountain Man
    danmtnman.blogspot.com

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  3. Bathroom scales suck they are never accurate and can have you starting the day actually happy or sad. I hate the f*ckin scale.

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  4. Definitely time to get a new one, you can send yours to me, I'm liking it already.

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  5. You should listen more to Mrs. Cranky. She sounds imminently sensible...

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  6. I like Mrs. Crankys way of thinking. You are a lucky man to have her around.

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  7. Haha, that's nice! I actually like how Mrs. Cranky thinks as well. I wonder if they ever used a digital bathroom scale, too. What do you guys think? What would possibly happen next?

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