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Thursday, July 28, 2011



The trouble with diets or any attempt at self improvement is people want to see you fail.  They won’t say they want you to fail, but they want you to fail.  If you lose weight your overweight friends fail.  If you quit smoking your smoking friends fail.  If you get your ass to the gym five days a week, your couch potato friends fail.
Nobody wants to be a failure, so they root for you to fail.

I recently went on a diet.  You can’t go on a diet without letting everyone know because someone is always trying to feed you bad stuff that you have to turn down.

For instance yesterday for breakfast I had one cup of oatmeal; no sugar.  For lunch I had a radish.  For dinner I had a piece of fish, 2 ounces of rice, some beets and an unsweetened ice tea.  I then went over to a neighbor’s house to celebrate his birthday.  “No thanks, I’m on a diet.”  I reply when offered that piece of birthday cake. 

“Come on, a little piece can’t hurt.”

“OK, but just a sliver.”

He cuts a piece that would choke a horse.  To be polite I eat the piece.

“Some diet” he taunts, “how about some more!”

He wants me to fail.

Once people know you are dieting they become part of the food patrol.  If I so much as eat a potato chip, mind you normally I eat them by the handful, someone will notice. 

“Hey, I thought you were on a diet?  Do you know how many calories are in that chip?”

“YES!  About 1000 FUCKING times less than what I used to shovel down my throat before I went on a diet!” (I might be extra cranky when dieting).

“Sure sure, I know, maybe you can start your diet again next week.”

That’s right, one freaking chip and they have you off your diet. 

They want you to fail.

Smokers want you to fail even more.  Just try to quit cigarettes.  To other smokers you are a traitor.  They constantly offer you a cigarette and let you know when they are going out for a smoke.

“Oh, that’s right, you’re quitting.  Good luck with that!”

If you backslide a little, so much as steal a puff; it is all over.

“I knew you couldn’t quit.” 

They want you to fail.

If I make plans to go to the gym my “friends” will do anything to keep me away. 

"You goin to the gym?  Come on, the game is on, we ordered pizza, the gym is going to be crowded, you look good fat, sweat is bad, you’ll pull a muscle again.  Just have a seat, you can work out tomorrow.” 

They want you to fail.

Well I don’t care; screw all these people that want me to fail.  I am going to start working out at the gym.  I plan to start just as soon as I lose some weight.  The problem is it is hard to diet if you are quitting smoking, so I need to work out to lose the weight, but I can’t work out because my wind is so bad from smoking.  So my plan is to diet, lose the weight, quit smoking and then start to work out, unless I put the weight back on from quitting smoking….

Screw it! I’ll take that second slice of cake….after I go out for a smoke.

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  1. Dear Cranky Old Man,

    Maybe you can advise. My husband has quit smoking, but doesn't seem to be making a song and dance about it, and I haven't mentioned it. He just stopped and has said only one or two times that it has been x days since his last smoke, or that he's thinking about using x as an excuse to have a fag.

    Should I encourage him by mentioning it, or should I just continue acting like I haven't noticed. I don't want to spook him, but I also don't want him to think I don't care.

    By the way, this post was funny and so true!

    Yours sincerely,


  2. A diet and exercise blog and you didn't even mention that you did 65push ups on your 65th birthday. That's my comment.

    PS- Shelly, let's not sign off with the word wife. I don't need anymore stepmothers. I like the one i've got.

  3. This post totally cracked me up and in the words of Homer Simpson (who may or may not be on a diet) "It's funny because it's true".

    Good luck in your weight loss quest. I suck at mine, so I make everyone around me feel really good about themselves all the time. x

  4. I stopped smoking. I wasn't smoking a lot, but I needed to stop. I just stopped, it killed me to do it, but I did it. I did slip up a few times to start with...I'd get really stressed over something and resort to a 'fag', but I've got past that. The craving is still there from time to time but I can ignore it now.

    The weight - now thats a different issue. I lost 2½ stones when I got rid of my now ex-husband. Now I want to get rid of annother 20lbs before S and I get married...Weird how relationships can do that to you.

    Haven't got the willpower for the gym - it's boring on your own and I have no-one to go with, so I am walking, every day I am going out for a brisk walk. ONly a couple of miles a day for now, but it is still more than I would normally do.

    I'm eating lots of salad, and veg and fruit. I'm avoiding bad stuff like there's no tomorrow.

    Last week I put weight on.....explain that? Life is tough sometimes - but we gotta keep perservering, well I have anyway, cos I still wnat to be here and going strong when I am in my 90's

  5. I am bad, I am patronizing, dictator, and I like making my friends feel bad giving them advices about how they should live their life. And guess what, I even quit smoking 4 years ago(I lost count when exactly) and lost as well all my extra kilos(did the Montignac diet, I am a meat eater, I will actually kill someone if I should stay on veggies). I have troubles with finishing things I start so they can feel better there cause I keep failing on my tries.
    Your post is funny and true, I remember my mom always bugging me to loose weight and in the next hour offering me at least 2 types of meals I like.


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