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Saturday, July 2, 2011

BADGES? I DON'T NEED NO STINKING BADGES!

BADGES? I DON’T NEED NO STINKING BADGES!

I am down on the Jersey Shore for a two week vacation.  What’s that you say?  How can I be on vacation when I am retired?  I am tired of doing nothing, so I am on vacation from doing nothing!  Hey; if you work for 40 years you get to take a vacation from doing nothing!

Anyway, Mrs. Cranky, (she wasn’t cranky until she met me) teenage future cranky, and I are at the beach.  We are renting the basement apartment of my wife’s aunt’s (who is loaded with future blog stories) beach house (hmmm a double possessive; is that correct?).  It is a nice setup, and very reasonably priced for a two week stay.  The nicest thing about this rental is that it comes with six all-season beach passes.

Free beach passes may not seem like a big deal, but a weekly pass costs $30.  The three of us for two weeks would cost $180 for passes.  Up against a typical 2 week rental price of $4000 to $7000 this does not seem like much, but we are seldom all on the beach at the same time.  Naturally being a little on the thrifty side I usually only buy 2 passes. 

This starts the beach-pass-checker dodge game, especially when guests drop by for an afternoon visit.  Watch for the teenagers in the yellow bathing suits.  These are the checkers.  When you spot a checker, someone has to go in the water.  The designated badge dodger or dodgers must swim until they get the all clear signal.  “Look, is that a dolphin?”  When the dodgers see a group of sun bathers standing eyes shielded from the sun staring out to sea in search of the non-existent dolphin, they can come in from the water.

Suggestion-SHARK!! Is not a very good all-clear signal.

When the beach pass checker sneaks up on you always be prepared to show last year’s badge.  “What 2010? Damn I guess I left this year’s badge back at the house”   Other excuses:

Always bring four dollars to the beach.  A daily pass costs $5.  “Gee, I’m a buck short, can I catch you later?”

“Oh, I’m just visiting; my badge is on my chair two beaches over.”

“Sure, it’s right here….ah….damn, did I change my shirt.  The badge is on my other shirt back at the house.  Some kid dripped ice cream on it and I had to change.”

“The passes are on the chair over….hey someone stole my chair.  Did you see anyone with a blue chair with two badges on it?”

These excuses work, but now you have to spend the next two weeks at the beach wearing a fake beard and a long haired toupee.

I guess when you pay several thousand dollars to come to the beach you should spend the extra $60 a person to enjoy the beach guilt free.  The problem is I save all year for a beach house and I always forget to account for the beach passes.

Ok, I am just a cheap bastard.  Plus I am pretty sure those badge checkers are the same teenagers who egg bombed my house last Halloween; about 5 feet 7 inches, long hair, acne, and a strange low to high pitched voice inflection I’d know those kids anywhere! 

Badges? I don’t need no stinking badges!
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5 comments:

  1. Hi Mr.Cranky,

    Having to have a beach pass seems really harsh! And slightly crazy. You shouldn't have to pay to enjoy the beach D: I guess the money goes to maintainance, but they should pay those teenagers to do litter-picking instead. Probably serves them right if they egged your house :P

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  2. sometimes u get one of the hot girls checkin 4 badges and if ur good lookin they let u go. but most of the time they dont care cuz 1 ur already on the beach and 2 what r they goin to do kick u off?

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  3. Stumbled on your blog and loved this post!
    It does sound ridiculous to ask you to have a pass to use the beach, but I applaud you for the excuses!
    All 3 of you could also go for a quick swim as well!
    Nice post!

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  4. Passes for the beach! - thats really shocking and something I don't think I have come across before - mind you over here I don't suppose the beaches are worthy of warranting a badge to use them!

    Keep enjoying the holiday.

    Lou :-)

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  5. North Wildwood has free beaches. The only free beaches in NJ, I'm just saying. Beach badges are soo freaking annoying.

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