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Tuesday, March 20, 2018

I Would Not be a Good Doctor

I Would Not be a Good Doctor
I came to the above titled conclusion while watching the TV show, “The Good Doctor.” I know what some of you are thinking,
“Crap Cranky, is that all you do, watch TV.” 
Well, pretty much yes.  I watch a lot of TV…sorry.  Probably another billion people in this country watch TV too, so yes. 
All those people who only watch the news and PBS can leave now, no need to tell me that TV is all crap, I get it, you’re better than me.
Pheew, are the TV snobs all gone now? OK, so:
“The Good Doctor” is about a talented surgeon intern who has a form of autism.  As a conservative, I could dismiss the show as another Hollywood attempt to indoctrinate the masses on the value of diversity, but I do know several people with autism who are extremely intelligent, productive citizens, so, message already received.
I was watching an episode the other day, and every damn thing that could go wrong in the operating room went wrong.  When an unexpected blood vessel suddenly bursts, the TV surgeon immediately jumps into action.
“Clamp…stat! give me 3 cc’s of orangatide!  No, you idiot, not me, give it to the patient, and call Dr. Glick, the patient will need a liver specialist, and a gromatologist, and get me a Junior Mint, they can be very refreshing you know.  Don’t just stand there, hurry, his life is at stake!”
Watching this episode, I realized that if I was that surgeon my response would more likely be,
“Crap the fucking blood vessel is bleeding all over the friggin place! Quick, do something to stop that bleeding and…ah…umm…stick something in him, you know that…what is it called, the orange stuff that does things and call someone…Shit, I need a drink!”
It is probably a good thing that I never went to Med School.  It would have been a waste of time and money.  I do not have the disposition to work well under stress.  That and I am lazy, only got a “C-” in biology 101, and blood freaks me out, so yeah, I would not have been a good doctor.
It is a good show though, just a few clicks to the left of PBS, and yes, I still call it clicks, don’t you?

Twelve Strings

Twelve Strings
I have been shopping lately for a twelve-string guitar.  I have enough trouble playing six strings, why would I want a twelve-string guitar?
Mrs. C loves twelve string guitars.  I don’t know what it is, but when we go to a concert and someone pulls out a twelve-string guitars she gets giddy with excitement.  Of course, she never listens to me play anyway, but it still makes me want to try.
Rick @ tells me they are not that difficult to play and they do produce a rich sound.  I tested one out tonight, and Rick is right, it was not that hard to play.  I only tried strumming chords, I think finger picking would be difficult, but I did like the feel.
So now I want one.  Do I need one? No.  Do I play well enough to use it professionally?  Not even close.  Can I play two guitars at once? No.  Then why get another guitar?
Because I want one!
I want one because just looking at one makes Mrs. C all gooey.  I want one because they are pretty.  I want one because they sound so nice and I can strum chords on it, so it would be fun to play. I want one because I don’t have many toys, I am too old to play with most toys, and even though they can be expensive…oh hell, I just want one.
The Guitar Store only had one guitar to try out.  It was a Martin and you can’t go wrong with a Martin, but I would like to try a few others for comfort and playability.  I guess I can wait and shop around a bit, but I am Jonesing for a new axe (that’s what musicians call their guitars…if you can’t play like a musician, at least talk like one.)
I do have a birthday coming in May.

Monday, March 19, 2018

A Cranky Complaint About Women

A Cranky Complaint About Women
A cranky re-run from March 2015

Don’t get all up in arms ladies; this is just a minor complaint.  It is more an observation than a complaint.

Actually it is a complaint.

Women (at least the women I have been married to, and that is a pretty good segment of the female population) will not answer a simple question from a man.  They prefer for the man to figure it out themselves.  It aggravates them that men will ask a silly question.  They will ignore, and or be evasive waiting for the man to figure out the answer themselves rather than simply saying, “yes” or “no.”

Yes or no! It hardly takes a breath; no effort, just yes or no.  Zero calories burned, no wasted time, just yes or no.  How friggin hard is that?

The other night Mrs. C was going downstairs and asked me if I wanted some water.  I said yes, preferably bottled if we had still had any.  The fridge water tastes kind of funky because we need to change the filter.

Mrs. C brought up a bottle of water.

“Is that a new bottle of water, or is it from the fridge?” Sometimes she will fill an empty bottle with water from the fridge.


“Is it from the fridge?”


“Is there any reason you can’t say yes it is from the fridge, or no it is a new bottle of water.”

“You should know.”

“I should know? How should I know, and why don’t you tell me anyway? Yes or no!  How hard is that?  This conversation could have been over minutes ago…meanwhile I still don’t know if it is from the fridge or not.”

“Because when you twist the cap, you will hear it break the seal and you will know that it is a new bottle of water and not from the fridge.”

“So we still have some bottled water?”

“Yes, a whole case of it, if you would only look!”

“Well that is 180 seconds of my life completely lost because you could just not bring yourself to say, “It is bottled water.”

“You’re a jerk!”

“Hell, it took you just as long to call me a jerk as it would have to just say “It’s bottled water!”


Sunday, March 18, 2018


it is time again for
I hope he chose the one time payout and not a 20 year distribution
This week’s stupid headlines and my stupider, sometimes sophomoric comments.
Woman sues restaurant alleging she was hurt by drag queen's breast – Beaten by boobs, rocked by rack, tagged by ta ta’s, mashed by melons, bashed by bags, harmed by hooters…that’s all my thirteen-year-old-self has got.
GAY CONVERSION THERAPIST FOUND GUILTY OF HAVING SEX WITH HIS MALE PATIENTS TO 'CURE' THEM – It could work, I think I may have made several women change teams in my day.
Skunks invade small New Mexico town – Must be an election coming soon.
MLB Prospect Cut By Team After Video Of Him Beating Girlfriend Surfaces – He couldn’t hit her curves.
Russian plane loses load of gold, platinum and diamonds – Accidentally dropped its cargo over Mar Largo, Florida.
Arm homeless with shotguns to reduce crime, US Senate hopeful says – What could possibly go wrong?
New Jersey church shocked after Jesus statue stolen 90 years ago is returned – Actually it was just borrowed.
Chicago students allegedly trash Walmart during National School Walkout protest - “They pounced on cars in the lot, vandalized two of the school buses parked there, threw Gatorade bottles at shoppers, smoke bombs, and we heard gun shots in the parking lot.”
Problem solved!
Second Top Nike Executive Departs Amid Complaints of Workplace Behavior – Apparently, they can not “Just do it” whenever they like.
O.J. Simpson has a lot to say about Donald Trump and Colin Kaepernick – Maybe it is me, but I’ve never been too interested in a murderer’s opinion of anyone.
Tinder sues dating app BumbleNot a stupid headline, I just want to hear the bailiff announce, “Next on the docket is the case Tinder vs. Bumble.”
Random company pays drunk’s $1500 Uber bill as a thank you for not drinking and driving – A slow week for good news, but I do have a soft spot in my heart for drunks.

Wednesday, March 14, 2018

When Tools Don’t Do Their Job

When Tools Don’t Do Their Job
This post was inspired by a comment from Bob @  who is a fellow cranky old man.  If the post sucks, go over to Bob’s site and complain to him.
What do you do when a tool to do a specific job is not efficient?  Do you keep trying or do you take care of the issue manually?  What am I talking about? How many times will I ask a question before I start this post?
I am talking about stupid stuff we do when a tool does not do what we expect it to do.
For instance, you are vacuuming a carpet and the machine will not pick up a gubba from the rug.  Do you run the vacuum over and over the offending fleck of unknown origin, or do you stop the machine and just pick it up with your hand?
Me too., I will go over and over that gubba, I will try and dislodge it with my foot, I will curse it, but I damn well refuse to pick it up by hand.
Leaf blowers piss me off.  Every fall the lawn people come around our townhouse and blow leaves in a pile with those noisy blowers.  They are very efficient, though I will sometimes watch a rogue leaf being chased all over the lawn.  That leaf will be blown into the pile dagnabbit, the lawn guy will not simply pick it up.
Did you ever mow the lawn with those old reel mowers?  This problem happens with the rotary types too, but not as common…a high stem weed will be rolled under the mower and not get grabbed by the cutting reel.  This used to happen to me all the time.  I could have just stopped the mower and ripped that weed by hand, but noooo, I would run over that damn stem again and again from different angles until it was grabbed in the reel and chopped like the mower was designed.
Have you ever had a leaf caught in your windshield wiper?  Of course, you have.  You jumped out at a stop sign and manually removed it didn’t you?  Of course not!  You ran that wiper at different speeds, hit the sprayer and sped the car up until that sucker got loose and was discarded.
If your car battery is dead, do you keep trying the key?  Me too.  If your TV remote battery is not working, do you pull out the batteries and clean the points, or spin it around a few times or simply put in new batteries?  Not until you press the buttons extra hard about a dozen times first.  Right? Me too.
If there is dried up egg on a plate, do you grab a sponge and rub it out, or do you insist on clearing it off with about 18 gallons of hot water from your sprayer?  Me too.
This one drives me crazy…the hair stuck to the bathroom sink.  Sure you could just pick it out by hand, but do you spend 20 minutes dousing it with water, splashing it with your hand and or slamming it with a cup of water trying to dislodge it and send it in a bathroom sink death spiral? Me too.
Why do we get stubborn when things don’t cooperate with our tools and just manually resolve the issue?
You have no idea? Neither do I.

Tuesday, March 13, 2018

A Cranky Observation

A Cranky Observation
Not so much a cranky observation as an observation by Cranky.
One of my favorite TV quiz shows is back.  Missing for several years, now back as new episodes and also in reruns is “Cash Cab.”
Do you watch?  You should, it is a rip. 

Comedian Ben Baily drives a cab and unsuspecting riders are invited to play the game.  They answer questions of increasing difficulty on the way to their destination.  They run up money for all correct answers, but if they miss three before they arrive at their stop, they get nothing and are kicked out of the cab on the spot.
Ben Baily is very funny, and the reactions of the riders are also funny, especially when they realize they have boarded “The Cash Cab.”
The questions are not incredibly difficult, but sadly with my sieve of a brain I don’t think I would ever reach my destination.  If they were multiple choice I would clean up, but most of the time I am like,
“Ooh ooh, the bald dude, the one with that show, the phycologist, his wife is named Robin, you know, we watch every day…damn, damn.”
“I’m sorry, time is up; it’s Dr. Phil.”
Anyway, my observations are about the differences of the old and young contestants.
The young passengers know all the internet crap and new stuff.  They suck at old stuff.
For instance, I’d be yelling, “How am I supposed to know what the hell ‘Snapchat’ is?” or “I can’t believe they never heard of ‘Camptown Racetrack’!”
At the end of every ride where the contestants do not get three wrong, they keep the money or get the chance at one more question to go for double or nothing.
Invariably, young contestants, most who look like they really can't afford to lose the money they just won, risk it anyway.  “Why not, go big or go home!” or “Let’s try, we had nothing when we got in the cab.”
The older contestants, many who look like they are dripping with money, never go for the final question.  “We’ll take the money, it would ruin a fun trip if we lost.” Or “I’m happy with what we won, I’ll just take the cash.”
That’s it, I have no snappy ending to this post, it was just an observation about a fun TV show.
Watch it, and don't be surprised if someday you are visiting NYC, you hop in a cab, lights go off, and you hear Ben holler, “You guys are in the Cash Cab!”

Monday, March 12, 2018


This re-run is from March 2012

Regulators believe there is a chance that electronic emissions from passenger devices could interfere with airline navigation instruments. There is no definitive proof that this is true, but if there is the remotest possibility that these devices could cause a disaster could you just TURN IT THE F OFF?  

Movie theaters and shows ask people to please be considerate of those around them and turn off cell phones and do not take pictures.  They ask very nicely.  They are very polite.  I would just like to request the teenagers at the theater who text and giggle all through the movie to their friends three rows back…er…ah…TURN IT THE F OFF!

To the dude in front of me on the Disney cruise theater, I know this is a once in a lifetime experience and you want to capture all those costumed cartoon characters on film, but my eyes keep getting drawn to the one inch screen of your phone camera when I could actually be watching the real show.  Could I ask you to please TURN IT THE F OFF!  

To the clown in the convertible with the audio turned up full blast.  I am assuming most of the people on the street are enjoying your fantastic taste in music (sic) but I kinda don’t like hearing about “Ho’ses blows and Bro’ses dose and Little Eva eats Ivy.” (“Mairzy Doats”- GIYP)  So I ask you please TURN IT THE F OFF.   

To the butt-head on the train who never learned his inside voice while talking on the cell phone.  I am trying to read, I really don’t need to hear all about your date last night and how f-ing cool you are.  Could you please TURN IT THE F OFF!  Oh and I’m pretty sure whoever you are talking to doesn’t have to guess where you are calling from, cell phones have been around for a while now! JERKWEED!

Hey biker dude on that huge Harley; why don’t you rev that puppy a few hundred times more at every stoplight.  I’m pretty sure that blonde on the corner is about to drop her pants and jump right behind your giant leather covered ass so you can ride off in the sunset to motel 6.  Otherwise could you please TURN IT THE F OFF!

To everyone who wants to show off their loud obnoxious toys in public, I am very impressed now could you please TURN IT THE F OFF!

Thank you.

Sunday, March 11, 2018

Stupid Headlines 031118

Stupid Headlines 031118

it is time again for
Is diarrhea a good mix with anything?


This week’s stupid headlines and my stupider, sometimes sophomoric comments.


Brain surgeons perform procedure on wrong patient – Clearly these brain surgeons were not rocket scientists.

Woman who thought she had kidney infection was in labor – Baby was named “Stone.”

College Warns Saying “God Bless You” is Islamophobic – If they stop saying “Allah Akbar” when they blow shit up, I’ll not say “God bless you” if they sneeze.  Actually, I firmly believe that 99.999% of Muslims would not be the least bit offended…maybe people in College think too much.

Terrifying laughter from Amazon's Alexa creeps out its users – Only if users are having funny but creepy thoughts.

Interior Dept. spending $139G to fix doors in Zinke’s office – Apparently the doors are attached to a Ferrari.

Man drives stolen car to court for stolen car charge – He pled not guilty by reason of stupidity.

Man arrested for calling 911 four times to complain about clam chowder – Apparently Connecticut has a three-call maximum to complain about clam chowder.

Pizza Hut’s new Pie Tops II shoes let you order pizza and pause live TV – I was hoping that this was just a joke, but no…it seems some people actually believe this is a good idea.

Drug charges dropped after suspect refuses to poop for 47 days in custody – What did he swallow, cocaine or cement?

Family accidentally eats 21-year-old Quaker Oats cereal they got from Walmart – This might explain the 47-day non-pooping suspect.

'Bachelor' Arie Luyendyk Jr. 'Banned' From Minnesota as Becca Kufrin's Home State Stands Behind Her – He needs to move to California for sanctuary.


Desperate Mother Duck Quacks For Attention After Her Ducklings Fall Into A Storm Drain – Who doesn’t like a good duck story?

Come Back Next Week

for more


Friday, March 9, 2018

Remain Seated Please

Remain Seated Please
A cranky opinion for
The following is the opinion of a cranky old man with a bug up a bad place.  There can be no opposing opinions because the behavior I am complaining about is indefensible.  Most readers will probably be guilty of this behavior, don’t be offended…ok, be offended, no skin off my teeth.
My trip to Atlanta last week renewed an old pet peeve.  When a plane lands, why does everyone get up, take out their bags from the overhead banging into other people and then stand all jammed up like sardines while the plane’s doors are still not open?
Do people think they may not get off the plane?  Trust me, they are not taking off again until everyone is off the plane.
Do people think they will get off the plane faster if they crowd the aisle?  I’m almost positive they are going nowhere until the passengers in the rows ahead of them leave.
I guess this phenomenon in stupidity shouldn’t bother me, except if the person next to you wants to join the lemmings, you have to get up and stand all hunched up for about 10 minutes going nowhere until the doors open and deplaning begins with all the other fools. 
I refuse to stand, I simply say “Sorry, I have a bad hip and have to stay seated until the line moves.” I do have a bit of arthritis in my hip, so it is not a total lie…actually it is a total lie.  So, I remain seated while my seat mate stands all hunched up waiting for the line to move.
This fear of not getting off the plane phobia also extends to trains.  When I commuted to NYC by train years ago, it would drive me crazy. 
Many days commuting home, I did not get on at the first stop.  Often the train was already full and I had to stand in the aisle.  That was not so bad, except when we were ten minutes from the next stop, people would leave their seat and jam the aisle so that I could not move, not even to get to the empty seat that these idiots just vacated.
I don’t get it people.  I know; you just need to stretch. I’ve heard that before…and I call bull crap!
Please everyone, remain seated until the doors are open and those seated ahead of you start to leave.  Trust me, you will get off, and even if you can push your way through and get off the plane faster, you will still have to wait for you luggage.
The preceding was the opinion of a cranky old man and not necessarily of management, Mrs. Cranky…actually Mrs. C is guilty of the same stupid behavior.

Can You Hear Me Now?

Can You Hear Me Now?


Sometimes I think Mrs. C is trying to get rid of me.  If I forget something or can’t think of a word, she is ready to put me away.  Currently she will not let go of me losing my hearing.
I am sure I do not hear as well as I once did, but I can hear just fine.  She thinks I can’t hear because she doesn’t realize man’s capability of tuning out their wives. 
I admit the whispering, low talk mumbling on TV shows bothers me, but I am not doing the whispering or mumbling.  I can hear them if I concentrate, but I don’t enjoy a show if I have to work hard and concentrate to hear the dialog.
I thought it was me (or Mrs. C was convincing me that it was me) until I realized that in the movie theater I can hear just fine.  In the theater the volume is turned up way loud, obviously so people can hear the low talk and dramatic whispering. 
So, it is not me!
Some of you are thinking,
“Oh Cranky, listen to your wife, old people never realize when their hearing is going.”
I beg to differ.  I have been deaf.  Years ago, as a very young person I had an ear wax buildup problem that had me slowly lose my hearing.  I did not realize it at first, but when you don’t hear a car honk warning, when people start to yell at you, when you answer the phone and no one is there, you are losing your hearing.  Been there, not there now.
Mrs. C just keeps looking for old person signs in everything.
Yesterday we received a “free offer” from an audio doctor for an appointment. 
Mrs. C was all over it.
“You need to go!”
“I heard you, I was just kidding.  I don’t need to go, I hear just fine.”
“You don’t, you turn the TV up to 16 when 14 is just fine.”
“So, I have to see an audio doctor because I hear the TV better at two clicks above you?”
“You always turn it up before you go to sleep.”
“Because I am sleeping on my side…one ear is muffled, and if I hear a low talk mumble, it keeps me awake trying to concentrate on what they are saying.”
“So, you need the TV to be extra loud to go to sleep?  That is ridiculous.”
“You eat pudding with a fork!”
“What does that have to do with anything?”
“Nothing, I just want to get off the subject.”
“You should see this doctor!”
“LA LA LA LA LA…I can’t hear you.”
“I heard that!”

Wednesday, March 7, 2018

Brotha Corupta

Brotha Corupta
Mrs. C, her sister Maryanne, and myself spent this weekend in Atlanta for a funeral.  My brother, the Judge, and his wife, Stewart, live in Atlanta, so we intruded on them in between wake and funeral.  Not the best of circumstances for a visit, but at least one positive out of a sad occasion.
Mrs. C’s sister felt as if we were staying at a bed and breakfast.  Their home is lovely, beautifully decorated, and Stewart makes sure everyone is fed and taken care of.
On the final night of our stay, my brother suggested watching a movie that had been nominated for several Oscars.  There was some hemming and hawing among we visitors.
The problem?
It was Monday night, the night of the three-hour finale of “The Bachelor.”
My brother and his wife are not typically fans of any TV, never mind “reality TV.” My brother is a big sports fan and they also watch movies on Netflix and probably the news, but they are not the type of viewers who would typically get hooked on Reality TV.
I had resigned myself to a movie, figuring we could watch the finale through the cable “On Demand” feature.  Mrs. C was prepared to suck it up as well.  Maryanne, who had only met my brother and his wife at our wedding, is not a shrinking violet…she expressed her opinion.
“Movie?  Tonight is the Bachelor finale! You can watch a movie anytime.”
She then went on to fill them in on the drama of one man taking many weeks to sort through 25 women to finally propose marriage to one of two finalists; and there was a hint of an historic and controversial ending.
Stewart, the sweetest southern lady that you would never want to get on the wrong side of, closed the deal.
“That sounds like such fun, we can watch a movie any old time.”
My brother reluctantly agreed.
We watched the show, and the Bachelor who had professed his love to both finalists, which is a no-no for the shows protocol, let the loser, Lauren, down very poorly and then picked, Becca, as his fiancé.  The show ended with everyone pretty much disliking the Bachelor. 
There was a catch that there would be more on the show Tuesday night.  The hint was that the Bachelor was going to break up with the winner and go back to the runner-up.
It is a riveting show if you are a somewhat shallow TV addicted person as myself.  I think the more sophisticated audience of my Brother and his wife watched just to be hospitable.
Tuesday night, Mrs. C and I were home watching the final episode from the bedroom.  Sure enough, the Bachelor broke up with Becca in the most uncomfortable 20 minutes in TV history, and he chose Lauren who had agreed to take him back.
The show then went live, and the Bachelor met up with Becca to answer some questions and add another ten minutes of really uncomfortable TV.
After Becca and the Bachelor met on the couch, I got a call from Atlanta.
“Joe, Stewart and I stepped out for a snack and we missed the meet up.  Did Becca and the Bachelor shake hands, hug, or just nod uncomfortably?”
“There was an awkward hug.”
“Thanks, I can’t believe we missed that, bye.”
My older brother taught me many of the things in life that a boy cannot learn elsewhere, he may have given me my first cigarette (or I stole one from him I don’t remember).
I think for the first time, I was the corruptor and not the corruptee.