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Sunday, May 8, 2016

CRANKY WENT A CRUISIN


CRANKY WENT A CRUISIN

I know there are thousands of people asking, “Where’s Cranky?” No! Maybe hundreds of people asking, “Where’s Cranky?”  No? Well, in the words of Maxwell Smart, “Would you believe four?”

Well for those four, maybe five people, I’ve been away from the blogging world on a sea cruise to Bermuda.  Mrs. C booked this cruise for my 70th birthday.  I am not the biggest fan of cruises, but Mrs. C likes them and I can learn to enjoy.  It’s not like getting poked in the eye with a stick.

First I have to do a little bragging.  I am not in general a braggadocio kind of guy.  Actually maybe I am, I just seldom have anything to be braggadocio about.  Anyway, I am now 70 years old.  For some that still makes me a whippersnapper.   If you even know what a whippersnapper is, you are one of the “some.”  For others, 70 is friggin old.  I am not bragging about being 70, for that I am just grateful.  I am bragging at meeting my 70 year old challenge.

When I turned 60, I did 60 pushups for my son the physed teacher.  When I turned 65 I did 65 pushups for my son the physed teacher.  At 70 I did 70 pushups, but not in front of my son the physed teacher.  He asked, “Did you record it?”  I told him, “I’m 70 friggin years old, the pushups are easier than recording and posting so just take my word…why would I lie?”  Actually I did five extra, just in case I fast counted. As an added bonus I was also able to touch my toes without bending my knees for the first time in several decades.  If you don’t think that is a big deal, then you definitely are a whippersnapper, even if you have no idea what a whippersnapper is.

So that’s where I’ve been for seven days, cruising, eating, relaxing, and touching my toes.  More on the cruise later, for now there’s a hot tub in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean that is calling my name.

Passengers and crew

I’m back.

One thing I do like about cruising is people watching.  There is no end of material.  First I must say we have met many lovely interesting people.  Generally when I meet people I find something about them that I like.  I often say I like everybody I’ve ever met and I hate everyone else.  That pretty much holds true on this cruise, although I have met a few butt- heads.

Most of the buttheads are dudes, specifically old retired dudes; old retired dudes that once were reasonably important in their own little section of the universe.  Now they are just old retired dudes that seem to have to let everyone within earshot know how powerful and important they once were at “Acme Nuts, Bolts and Envelope Company Inc.” of Podunk, Nevada.

When these buttheads ask, “What did you do?” as they always do in an attempt to size up your importance to the survival of the planet I respond, “Hard time.”  That usually ends bull shit small talk.  Mrs. C does not call me Cranky for nothing.

I like watching the crew on the boat (I know…ship, that was just to wake up Uncle Skip).  The servers and cleaning people are always super friendly, “Good morning, have a nice day…”  I like watching them as the passengers go by; lots of faces and eye rolling.  I don’t blame them; they work really hard and remaining friendly after hearing the same old conversations day after day must be exhausting.  Also some passengers can be really demanding assholes.

This is only my second cruise, but I am seeing a trend.  Many if not most cruisers are very old and very fat.  It can take a lifetime moving around the ship as you are always stuck behind a scooter, wheelchair, or cane wielding passenger.   There are several levels of fat on the ship.  Fat men move like they are proud of their girth.  They move with confidence and treat their huge bellies like an old bull walrus.  That belly means power!  Some of these dudes still wear pants with a size 34 waist.  The pants are worn just above their hoo-ha and their belly flops down below their waist like a too loose shirt.  I call these guys the “no ass men” as they literally have no ass!

There is a lot of drinking on board.  That is fine, what I don’t get is the drinkers that have to let you know how much they drink and how drunk they are.  Listen, I like an occasional glass of wine, hell I used to be an out and out drunk.  Nothing wrong with it, but I don’t get why some believe it is cause for others to celebrate their inebriation.  All alcohol should carry a warning “Heavy drinking does not make you entertaining, it makes you annoying.”

A final observation is on the dancing skills of my generation.  There are some who can genuinely cut a rug (GIYP) but most are an embarrassment. 

If you want to make an old person stand up, just play “YMCA” by the Village People.  Old people will throw away their cane to do that alphabet arm waving thing every time.  If that doesn’t do it, just slap on “Sweet Caroline.”  When it comes to the “Wo wo wo”( which BTW is not part of the actual recording), it turns into a stretching and cardio exercise.  Finally the DJ’s of all old people events should never play Chubby Checker and “The Twist.”  OMG, do old people love to get up and show young people how to do the twist…like this is a complicated step to learn.  There is always at least one poor old guy that has to twist all the way to the floor…it never ends well…even for old dudes that can touch their toes.

You may notice that I have mostly just picked on old dudes.  I leave the ladies alone; they’ve gone through enough having to live with these old dudes.

Do you hear that bubbling? That’s the hot tub calling again.  It is time to move my fat gut, and big butt and relax a bit.  If anyone asks, today I think I’ll be an ex-CEO and brag about breaking up companies and firing tons of people so I could make scads of money. 

22 comments:

  1. I've met these old dudes on cruises before. You're spot on. And the women? That's a whole other story. They are just as annoying.

    I linked you to Silly Sunday.

    Have fun in the hot tub. Happy Mother's Day to Mrs. Cranky. ☺

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  2. I have never been on a cruise--mostly for the reasons you describe: other people are there. Whoops. A little cranky slipped out.

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  3. Just stick with "hard time." The best line I've read in the last two months.

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  4. Oh, I did take a raft trip down the Colorado River through the Grand Canyon. Does that count?

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  5. Totally hilarious! Laughed out loud throughout. We've never been cruising, but I guess I imagined it would be exactly how you described it!

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  6. Happy Birthday! You're still young at 70. I've never been on a cruise ship, but went deep sea fishing a few times, It was not my idea, I rather stay on land.

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  7. I have never cruised, and I'm married to someone who brings up the Titanic every time cruises are mentioned, so I guess I'll always be a virgin in that category! But I always imagine lots of fat people at all those buffets.

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  8. Happy Birthday Whipper
    Also Happy Cruis'n
    A friend just returned from a cruise and I asked her if they still
    got all gussied up forl dinner. She said it was quite casual all day. That
    was my favorite part, wearing all the rhinestones and sparkles. We used
    to hop on a cruise boat quite often because we lived barely an hour from
    the cape in Fl.

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  9. I LOVE cruises but I always eat too much!!

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  10. If i ever get to cruise again, i'll try to avoid either being annoying or hanging with anyone who is!

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  11. I've never been on a cruise...the eating part sounds right up my alley. I love people watching and always make up stories about the people I observe. Airports are great places for doing this: He is on his way to a job interview, she is getting on a flight to meet her boyfriend, he is here to pick up his Russian mail order bride, she is a secret agent on a mission... What kind of stories could you make up about old fat people on a cruise?

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  12. thanks for the glance into cruise life! laughing. loved 'hard time!' :)

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  13. When your blog went silent, I started to collect money to pay your ransom but since you are fine and living high on the hog, guess I'll just keep what I collected.
    Congrats on entering my decade. It is the new sixty ya know and I am really impressed with all those push ups.
    Cruising is really great fun. Keep enjoying.

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  14. Happy birthday, Cranky. Keep on bubbling along on that cruise. I think I can touch my knees without bending my toes. Congratulations to someone who's doing a lot better than me. 'Course I'm older.

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  15. I've been on several cruises and your descriptions of these old dudes are spit on, although seventy is sounding younger all the time.

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  16. What a great great post. Never been on a cruise, but this all rings true. They say the food is great on cruise ships, so not surprising there's a certain amount of paunch.

    When you turn 71 you only need to do 66 push-ups, because you've got credit in the push-up bank.

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  17. I've never been on a cruise, but reading this makes me want to go on one just to see old people do the twist. I remember seeing my mum do the twist many years ago, she was fat and I swear the fat was still jiggling a half hour after she sat down again :)
    I don't think I could do a push up, not even one and haven't touched my toes in years.

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  18. Thank goodness you're okay. Better than okay, it sounds like, with all the pushups! I was afraid a fight had broken out over that dropped gubba, and that you were recuperating from your injuries.

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  19. Seriously, 70 push ups?? I'm unclear that I could have done that some decades ago, and I'm 70 also.
    I've also been on two cruises, and my reactions are mixed. The first, a Carnival Line was not my cuppa at all, the last, in October, was on Regency Lines, which is a bit different, with no extra costs of any kind, and includes airfare.
    Glad you're ok.
    Cheers,
    Mike

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  20. Never been on a cruise, and not sure I ever will. Too many people. Most of them fat. Not that fat is a bad thing, I just don't want to be behind them. Or next to them. Or in front...never mind. Happy Mother's Day to Mrs. C. Have fun.
    Oh, and the push-ups are impressive.

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  21. Happy belated birthday! I did wonder where you were so yes I missed your posts. Sounded like a fun cruise with of course the most important thing, blog fodder!

    betty

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