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Thursday, January 10, 2013

Divorce Settlement


Divorce Settlement

Back in 1992, after my first divorce, there came a time when we had to settle who got what from the house.  We really didn’t have that much to settle, but of course there were fights over what we did have. 

Money was split 50/50 including my retirement account.  The house was to be sold and profits split 50/50.  Upstairs stuff was mine; most of the downstairs stuff was hers, except for things from family or things with special significance.

The “except” caused problems.  Somehow the silver gravy boat from my Aunt was a “Kent” gravy boat, not a “Hagy” gravy boat, and since I did not even know that, it should not be mine. 

I know!

Anyway, when it came time to take her furniture and divide up the “excepts,” the Ex showed up with movers and a policeman because apparently I was so out of control she feared for her life (and perhaps she enjoyed the drama.)

As she went through the first floor claiming everything from Welshes Grape Jelly tumblers to plastic spoons, the officer sidled over to me and asked in a whisper, “Does she get your balls too?”

I am sure the Ex wondered why the officer and I were in laughing after I responded, “If she  wanted them, we wouldn’t be getting divorced!”

When she and the movers were done, on the way out, she surveyed the somewhat naked house and just before she left I will never forget her last words to me.  As she reached out and grabbed a standing lamp next to the front entrance, she said, “And this lamp is mine too.”  She then left slamming the door behind her.

The day after our divorce was final, the Ex married her “Lover” or “friend,” (I never have figured out that relationship) and moved to England.  Sometime later I got a call from a neighbor who was frantic because much of the stuff my ex-wife took from the house was in their garage while the Ex was in the UK.  That was a problem I refused to deal with. 

Not my stuff, not my problem, sorry. 

Much of the furniture has ended up with my daughter so I am glad for that.  I have no idea who has the gravy boat.  Seems to me it should have gone to my cousin Lynn who introduced us in the first place, and she was a “Kent.”

There were still some things in dispute which I eventually packed up and sent to her in the UK as she was going into hysterics about how much those things meant to her.  It cost me $600 just to ship them to England.  Six months after I shipped them I got a call from the UK.  The boxes of stuff were at the airport and were never picked up.

Not my stuff, not my problem, sorry.

Anyway, I did get to keep my balls.   

17 comments:

  1. I have to go through a divorce suit and decided to hire Marshall Davis Brown TX as my lawyer. He did a great job and made the process very smooth.

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  2. That's a great line: If she wanted my (balls) we wouldn't be getting divorced. I can always think of great things to say but not at the right time.

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  3. All I know about divorce is you don't go into the process with an F--- it attitude

    Even when you concede everything they want they're not happy

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  4. I am SO glad I never went through that divorce crap! When my young niece & her husband were dividing their stuff, they argued about who should get a pair of scissors. Love the "balls" line!!

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  5. Your comment to the officer had me choking on my oatmeal this morning. So funny!

    On another note, I have to stop eating while reading your blog. Or else one day they'll find my body slumped over the computer keyboard with a Cranky Old Man blog post displayed on the computer screen. Then won't you feel awful? I can see it on the news now...
    "Local woman, mother of 10, found dead in her home. She was found lying on her computer keyboard, apparently choked to death on her morning cereal due to laughing at New Jersey Blogger "Cranky Old Man" which was displayed on her computer screen at the time she was found. The title of the blog post: 'Stupid Headlines' -- such a tragedy, but at least she died laughing."

    You'd feel awful, right? To be sort of the cause of my untimely death? But admit it - all those new hits you'd be getting on your blog? the hundreds of copies of Maybe It's Just Me! being sold by the minute? Oh yea, you'd be silently thanking me for the publicity :)

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  6. Power games.
    Taking the fun out of romance for millenia.

    I love that the officer and yourself bonded while the Drama Queen swoofed about in her own world. :-)

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  7. It just dawned on me that this post isn't fair to my ex-wife who does not have the opportunity to respond....screw it, finally the last word...get your own damn BLOG biotch!

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  8. I married for the first time when I was really young (20) and we got a divorce five years later. I just gave him everything, the lawyer cost $1000 and we split it $500 each. It was so amicable that we're still friends 11 years later (and he still lives in that house lol)

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  9. Divorce sucks bad. Mine was a royal pain. Oddly enough I got to keep my balls too. He preferred the other womans junk. He got screwed on that deal though so I guess I won in the end as I've been happily remarried for almost 6 years now

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  10. My ex got the lot. Not only did she get the house and the furniture but she also got 3/4 of my pension lump sum. 11 years later, when I retired from teaching I found that meant 3/4 of the pension I had accrued for the last (separated) 11 years also. That REALLY hurt.

    The only thing that I did get out of it was that I did get out of it and that was worth getting screwed financially.

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  11. Well somewhere along the way I've lost one of mine. they claimed it was cancer, but I've always had my suspicions!
    Carolyne deserved that being a Kent that she was!

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  12. The line you gave that policeman is priceless. (How could she possible have wanted to give up someone with a sense of humor like that???) Sounds like you're well rid of her. Then again, she did provide you fodder for a funny post.

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  13. Oh dear! Excellent situation re: the retention of your balls. She sounds, um, a bit of a nightmare. Yeah if.she want to respond, get blogging sister, the interwebs are free for all!!

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  14. Dang, that was one nasty split. At least you lived to fight another day. Or maybe you fought to live another day. :)

    S

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  15. Wy is divorce so,expensive? Because it's worth it. JK

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  16. Your ex-wife actually sounds a lot like my brother's soon-to-be ex. He was all for an amicable settlement, especially since they have kids to think about. And from the first few discussions, it seemed that she was too. Imagine our surprise when she comes with a proposed divorce settlement as thick as a phone book during another meeting. My brother got a great lawyer though and she isn't getting anything more than what's necessary. Obviously, there's no glory in being a drama queen. Glad you kept your balls, Joe. Ha!

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