SPEAK ENGLISH - a Monday re-run

SPEAK ENGLISH

CAN Y’ALL BE CONVERSATIN WITH ANY MORE STUPIDIDITY?

This week's Monday re-run is from August 2011.  Since this post "Conversating" has offically become a Webster's Dictionary accepted verb.  It is still unacceptable in Cranky's book! 

I be watchin reality TV shows lately an I be suprisedly exprised at how stupiditized some people be conversatin lately.

I know these people went to school at least through eighth grade. I know they can speak proper English. I know some slang and colloquialisms are acceptable and can add spice to the language, but HOLY CRAP, these people are over the top. OVER THE TOP, and I know they speak that way on purpose.

It is one thing to be ignorant. It is another to know better but choose to revel in your ignorance anyway. Nothing says “I’m stupid and I’m proud of it” like butchering the English language:

Whatever happened to the possessive “s?”

“My baby daddy.”

“I be going to my mom house.”

“If they not careful, I gone to kick they ass!” (Shouldn’t that be they’s ass?)

Do tenses matter? Do singular or plurals matter?

“Do it matter? Yes it do!”

“He be doing that shit alla time.”

“I had went to he house.”

“I be go over later.”

“He being coming over soon.”

Can y’all say y’all enough?

“Y’all better not be late or y’all going to be sorry, y’all.”

And shouldn’t y’all represent more than one? Apparently not.

“Y’all is late!”

Am, is, be, are; if you are going to use them, why not use them wrong?

I is; he am; you be; they is; he are…

Contractions? Hey, anything goes:

Am not = amen’t; go on = g’wan; have not = h’aint. Ain’t works for just about anything: he ain’t, we ain’t, they ain’t, you ain’t, y’all ain’t.

Some words do not need to be spoken with all their (they) letters and some words can just be left out.

“It cos fity cen.” (Sometimes “It costes fity cen.”)

“My boyfren”

“If I fin out you be lyin I gone go crazy on yo ass.”

“Whey you at?”

“Girl, yo be crazy.”

Why say you had something when you can say “I did had?”

“I did had me a drink.”

By all means make sure to give everything the colorful and descriptive adjective “mother fucking.” 

Why threaten to kick someone’s ass when you can kick:

“They mother fucking ass?”

When someone is wrong, they be:

“Mother fucking wrong.”

Apparently if you are really really tired, you are:

“Mother fucking tired.”

And these people did not just do something, they ACTUALLY did it.

“I was actually wearing a blue dress.”

“I actually woke up at nine o’clock.”

The only person on TV who ever calls these cretins out on their use of the English language is Judge Judy.

“Where were you that night?”

“Um..”

“Um is NOT AN ANSWER!”

“Were you drinking at the time?”

“Er..Yeah.”

“That would be YES!”

“Well your honor, we had been conversatin..”

“Hold on; you were WHAT?”

“Conversatin.”

“Conversatin? Byrd, what is conversatin?”

“I believe she is trying to say they were talking.”

“WHAT? Then say talking. I don’t know what conversatin is.”

I hate when people butcher the language on purpose; it is as if they are ashamed for others to think they have any education at all!

HOWEVER

I love Judge Judy.